The Stillness Between

June Round-Up Challenge

By Bakerj
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“Will I see you at dinner?”

I didn’t answer.  She could take my silence any way she wanted.  I was done. 

The door closed.  My jaw clenched and unclenched.  I didn’t need anyone from some institution.  My sight would return soon.  But did Pa listen?  No.  And I got blindsided.  Blindsided… what a joke.

My fingers trembled before tightening around each other.  Could I blame Pa?  Why wouldn’t he send for a teacher?  Everyone must be tired of telling me where the food on my plate was.  And what the hell use was a rancher who couldn’t even see to ride his horse? 

I ran my hands over the arms of my chair.  The worn, polished wood was a little too familiar under my fingertips.  After a month of sitting here, I knew every groove and curve, every dent as intimately as I had known some women.  I closed my eyes and conjured up those faces.  Was the pleasure of watching a beautiful woman cross the street gone for good?

Dragging in breath, I caught the lingering scent of lavender water.  I smelled it when I walked in the door with Jamie.  All the warning I got, and then.  My stomach clenched.  Bad enough that Pa, Hoss, and Jamie got to see that display.  But a stranger?  Was this what you’re turning into, Joe Cartwright?  A frightened crybaby?

I was afraid.  Not just of the dark I saw now, but the one coming.  When Jamie described the day to me, I could see it.  Right down to the white, fluffy clouds.  How long before I couldn’t remember what a blue sky looked like, or Hoss, or Pa?  How long before everything became just darkness? 

My hands closed around the chair arms, propelling me upright as I stumbled toward the window.  The windowpane met my palms, warm under my skin from the sunlight beating down on it.  My fingers ran over the pane, down the painted frame to the sill.  I leaned forward, closed my eyes, and pressed my cheek against the glass, feeling the warmth.  God… how I wanted to see that sun. 

I pushed away and straightened, rolling my shoulders back.  This wasn’t forever.  Something deep inside me told me so.  Gut instinct?  I didn’t know, but I did know that I would see again.  Why couldn’t everyone else trust that?

What about Miss Dobbs?  I heard her again, apologizing and talking about the work she had been hoping for.  My insides shriveled at the way I had spoken to that poor lady.  Heck.  I sure owed her an apology.  I didn’t need her, but after all, she’d only done as she’d been asked and traveled a ways to do it.   

The knock at the door interrupted my thinking.  I knew who it was.  I’d recognize that pounding anywhere.

“Come on in, Hoss.”

The door was thrust open, and my brother’s anger filled the room.  “Well, you sure got your way.”

“I told Pa I didn’t want anyone here, but he sent for her anyway.  He thinks this is permanent, doesn’t  he?” 

“Now, you hold your horses.  Of course, Pa don’t think that.  None of us do.  But dang it, Joseph, you can’t sit around brooding over it.  You think it was easy for Pa to write to that dadblamed institute?  I can tell you, it weren’t.  Y’know why he did it?  ‘Cause he figured it might help you get out of this room and find something else to think about other than fretting about your sight.

“And as for that little lady.  She traveled all the way from San Francisco to help you.  You know that ain’t a fun trip, and for a lady alone, it ain’t no picnic.  An’ you don’t hardly let her take off her hat before you put her right back on that stagecoach.” 

Abrupt footsteps took Hoss from the door to the window and back.  The chair he grabbed thudded on the wood as he settled into it.  I decided to let him talk since I wasn’t sure being blind would protect me from a pummeling. 

“I understand the shock.  And I don’t blame you for what happened downstairs.  But Miss Dobbs told us what you said.  Now, she weren’t blaming you either.  She’s too much of a lady for that.  But there ain’t no way to sugarcoat it, Joseph.  Listening to her refuse Pa’s offer to stay a few days ’cause she doesn’t wanna upset you made me downright ashamed.”

The silence stretched.  It looked like I was finally getting my chance to say something.  “Would it make a difference if I told you I know I behaved badly?”

The breath Big Brother let out was a relief.  I could almost feel his shoulders drop.  “Glad to hear it.  It’s about time you started acting civil.”  A familiar big hand dropped onto my shoulder.  “I knew you didn’t mean it.”

My hand found my brother’s.  “Thanks.  But I can’t use the fact my sight hasn’t returned yet as an excuse for bad manners.”

Hoss’s goofy grin echoed in his voice.  “You ain’t wrong there.”  I fought down the shiver of panic when he withdrew his hand.  “I’ll come fetch you for supper?”

I could still smile.  “Thanks.  And don’t worry, Miss Dobbs will find me a changed man.  I’ll find a way to make it up to her.”

“I know you will.”

The silence closed in, swamping the room.  Somehow, having Hoss nearby lessened the darkness.  But I’d keep my promise and make amends.  Hoss was right.  Sitting around worrying didn’t achieve a damn thing.  If I learned to fend for myself, maybe I could be useful.  Even if only for a week or so until my sight returned, it would be worth it.  Over dinner, I’d find a way to bring it up.

And I couldn’t leave the lady with that first impression I had given her.  After all, as the charmer of the family, I had a reputation to protect. 

~ The End ~

Author Note: Episode Referenced – The Stillness Within written by Suzanne Clauserr

A big thanks to Pat for always saying this episode was missing something here.