The Demons Within

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Growing up on the Ponderosa has been both a blessing and a curse.  Scenery and scents are second to none.  Lake Tahoe sparkles like diamonds under the azure sky.  Snowcapped mountains rise up on all sides of the lake.  Ponderosa Pines and Sugar Pines seem to touch the sky.  The scent of the trees fills the air with a fragrance so intoxicating you always want more. 

However, cruelties occur daily.  I’m surrounded by death, destruction, and evil. 

How many men have I killed now?  How many have tried to kill me? 

Snowstorms, flashfloods, infernal heat, and drought can kill in an instant, some of them without warning.  Men getting trampled in stampedes, bitten by rattlers, or buried in a mine cave-in are some of the many dangers encountered on a daily basis. 

Bad seems to outweigh the good anymore. I’m tired.  I feel as though my mind and body need to get away.  I know Pa is worried about me.  I see it in his face.  I can’t even hide my demons that are dragging me down to the netherworld.  I look in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes.  I know I look like a zombie.  Past bad deeds are catching up to me.  All the death I’ve caused is beckoning me, calling me.  I must run away from myself.  I would sell my soul to the devil to stop feeling like I’m being crushed by all the tombstones I’ve created.

Pa tries to get me to attend church services again.  He encourages me to pray with him. I can’t. I’ve stopped believing.  I am that lost soul, the lost sheep I learned about so long ago.  I feel like I’m lost forever.

Traveling without direction for weeks, I seek shelter from a chilly, spring rainstorm. I find an old, abandoned, boarded up house. 

Pulling the boards that are nailed across the front door, I enter the musty and dusty house.  A coughing fit grips me.  Caught in spider webs, I flail my arms around to displace the webbing that has enveloped me.  I make my way through the entrance hall and light a match.  I see a fireplace and a log box.  Wood has been left in the box and I’m able to start a fire.  The dancing flames create eerie shadows on the walls but their warmth drives the dampness from my bones.  I find a lamp and light it since day has turned into night.  The setting of the house matches my mood, dark and cold. 

I take out the last of the beef jerky.  The meal doesn’t improve my bad disposition. Sleep will be my escape. 

Pa always said, “Everything will seem better in the morning.” 

Pa, has he forgiven me for leaving without even a note?  Will he understand?

I fall into a fitful and restless sleep. 

Morning light has broken through the boards covering the windows.  I am not refreshed.  Looking around I spot a mirror.  I feel a strange attraction drawing me towards it. 

What’s happening? 

I can’t help myself from getting closer to this looking glass.  I see my reflection.  My heart pounds out of control.  The faces of all the people I’ve killed or hurt stare at me. Terror seizes me but I’m paralyzed and cannot move or speak.  A decrepit hand reaches out from the glass and draws me in. Instinctively, I fight this magnetic pull. Then a sweet voice speaks tenderly, “Come, Joseph.  Come find solace through the mirror.  Find forgiveness from these wretched souls and receive everlasting peace.”

How delightful that sounds…peace, forgiveness.  This is what I seek. 

The decrepit hand transforms into one that has long slender fingers and smooth skin.  It takes hold of mine to pull me through to the other side of this looking glass.  The physical touch gives me a tingling, wonderful sensation that I’ve never felt before.  How glorious!  This euphoric feeling is more powerful than fear or any other emotion I’ve ever experienced.  I succumb to the desire, and I pass through the mirror.  The creature is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, as is the scenery before me.  It’s so tranquil and breathtaking.

Once on the other side, we travel deeper and deeper into this unfamiliar place.  The beautiful flowers and trees turn into fiery pits.  Profuse sweat begins to stream out of every pore of my body.  The stunning  woman transforms into the devil.  His sinister laugh sends chills down my spine even though sweat is pouring out of me. 

 “NO!’ I scream! 

Horror engulfs me.  Eyes of the dead burn into my skin and my soul.  I’m surrounded by my victims.  They suck the air from my lungs as they encircle me.  Closer and closer they come, more than sixty of them including the Indians and Comencheros I killed in battles. 

Did I really kill or cause the death of that many men in the past fourteen years?

The smell is choking me.  My senses are being assaulted by all that is evil.  I force myself to look into their devilish eyes but the terror I feel is so powerful.  I shut my eyes as if this act will shut out the horror.

They chant, “Your soul is ours.  Revenge is sweet!”

My soul? No, I can’t let this happen!

Although my body continues to weaken, I compel myself to face the malevolence that is before me. 

I see the Hode brothers.  The two of them had tried to shoot me in the back after I gave them fair warning.  I had to shoot them.  

“Jessop, you tried to rape Amy.  I killed you in an attempt to protect her and save my life.”

There’s Thunder Man.  He killed Anne and Mrs. Gibson.  He would have blown me up if I hadn’t shot and killed him. 

As I confronted each of these many evil people, I realized all of the killings were justified.  There was no wrong doing on my part.  My eyes were finally opened! 

I had to find a way back through the mirror before it was too late. 

Which way?  How do I break through this circle of death and return to the other side of the looking glass? 

I pray aloud, “Dear heavenly Father, send your angels to help me.  Forgive me for my past transgressions!”

Loud moans and gasps fill the chamber hearing me invoke God’s name.  The circle opens allowing me to escape from their clutches.  The evil ones gnash their teeth and slink away.

A voice, Hoss’s voice? 

Big Brother is that you?  Help me!  Please help me find my way back. 

More voices.  Sweet and loving.  The ladies I loved.  My angels!

“Joe, follow our voices.  We will lead you to the mirror.  Run, you have far to go!  Hurry before the mirror closes!”

I’m refreshed.  I feel their love.  I’m giddy with excitement.  I follow their voices as I charge through the darkness.  I see the light.  It shines more brightly.  My angels pull me through the mirror just before it closes.  I briefly see their beautiful, loving smiles.  Then they are gone.  With a grateful heart, I burst through the door and reunite with Cochise.

We hasten away from this demonic place and head in the direction of home.  Home, where trees touch the sky and fill your nostrils with the scent of pine.  Home, where water sparkles like diamonds and mountains rise all around Lake Tahoe. Home, where Pa and my family love me and are awaiting my return. 

I have been to hell and back. I have learned I am a good and decent person.  No more doubts or guilt.  I don’t like killing people but sometimes there’s no choice.  I know I’m forgiven and I forgive myself. 

I look forward to attending church services again.

“Thank you, God.  Thank you for the love I’ve had in my life and for the love and support I continue to experience.”

The ranch comes into sight! 

“Pa, I’m home!”

The End

Episode Referenced

The Spitfire  directed by William D. Faralla

The Truckee Strip  directed by Christian Nyby

Thunder Man directed by Lewis Allen