Revelations and Unspoken Secrets

by

Beppina

“What the hell,” his eldest shouted through the solid wood front door.

“I did what Pa told me,” his youngest shouted back.

“That’s not what Charlie told me. Pa told you not to attempt riding that stallion yet!”

“I wasn’t gonna ride him, I just wanted to get him used to me. Pa said I could!”

“Enough you two,” Ben Cartwright bellowed as he pushed open the front door. “I could hear you from the barn. What’s the shouting about? Adam, would you mind explaining?”

“Ask him,” came the sharp retort.

“I’m asking you…”

Adam rolled his eyes heavenward, then scowled at the youth.

“I told him to keep away from the new stallion. But no, the kid here had to go and disobey me and almost got trampled.”

“Joseph?”

“I was trying to get the horse over to the rail. You said I could get to know him. I wasn’t in danger, only Big Brother here decided to interrupt and started shouting at me. The horse spooked and reared up.”

“You were almost in the corral.”

The younger and smaller of the two stood his ground and glared up into his brother’s face. “I was on the rail, Adam. I’m not that stupid you know!”

Adam stood towering above his youngest brother, his expression was of anger and disdain; his breathing was short and fast, and his eyes mere slits as he glared down into the flashing green eyes before him.

“I have my doubts on that count,” came the reply.

“Enough!” Ben shouted a second time. “Why must you two always argue? I can’t leave you for an hour before you start. God, give me strength.”

“You know what he’s like, Pa, never listens to me,” Adam whined.

“Cause you always get on at me for no reason,” the younger brother responded.

“No reason,” Adam flared again, “If I had a dollar for every time I had cause to pull you up, I’d be a rich man!”

“Joseph, were you going into the corral with that stallion?” Ben fixed his eyes on his youngest son.

“No, sir.” The boy changed his demeanour to face his father. “You said not to and he’s still too wild for me to try. And my shoulder’s still sore.”

“Any excuse,” Adam muttered under his breath.

“It’s not an excuse! Anyhow if’n you hadn’t knocked me outta the loft I wouldn’t have put it out!” Joe rounded against his brother again.

“That will do both of you. Adam, go and finish whatever you were doing earlier. Joe, go and see to Buck for me, please. Then ask one of the hands to rub him down.”

“Yes, sir,” Joe replied and turned to leave the room.`

“Spoilt brat!” Adam declared. “He gets away with murder.”

Joe spun around. “What d’you call me?”

“I said you’re a spoilt brat! It’s high time you grew up and pulled your weight around here, instead of me ‘n Hoss doing the bulk of the work.”

“I do my share brother. Just ’cause you don’t give me any responsibility for big jobs doesn’t mean I don’t work as hard as you two!”

Ben stood watching and listening to their grievances. Joe was like a smaller bantam cock challenging the much bigger cock of the roost as he built up to a temper explosion and Adam was egging him on.

“You don’t know the meaning of the word work, ” Adam spat. “When I was your age…”

“I know, I know, how many times have you told me? You were running things single-handed for Pa,” Joe answered and stepped back to confront Adam.

“Joe, go see to Buck. Now,” Ben intervened and pushed Joe towards the door.

“Adam. What’s got into you?” Adam Cartwright turned to face his father,

“Do you want to know the truth, Pa?” Ben nodded as he stepped across to his desk and leaned back on the corner.

“Well?”

Adam recounted his litany of complaints against Joe. He grumbled that the boy was often the last to breakfast and how he could dodge some of the less appealing jobs with ease. Adam also complained about how Joe twisted Ben around his little finger to get his way. While he, Adam, had to take responsibility for his every action.

Ben conceded yes, he did give Joe more leeway with his behaviour but couldn’t agree that the boy didn’t pull his weight where the work was concerned.

“Don’t forget your brother is still young, just fifteen. Do you think you might be a little jealous of him because he has more freedom than you had at this age?”

Adam stood square to his father, hands wedged deep in his pockets.

“Jealous, of that spoilt kid, I don’t think so. But that’s just it, Pa, he isn’t my brother, is he? Don’t you think it’s time he was told the truth? I try to make allowances for him, ’cause he’s my brother, but I’m finding it hard to think of him like that.”

“I have no intention of telling Joseph anything, ever…” Ben started, though stopped as Joe walked back into the room.

“Tell me what, Pa?”

“Nothing son,” Ben continued. “Just something Adam and I were discussing.” Joe looked from his father to his brother. Both were looking cross and hot under the collar. Ben’s eyebrows were bunched together in a stern frown, a sure sign something was seriously amiss.

“Sure, don’t look like nothing to me,” Joe ventured. Being smaller than Ben or Adam, the youth stood up as tall as he could manage. He was not tall enough to stare eye to eye with either of them, so he had to make do with a slight tilt of his head to hold eye contact.

“I suppose it’s about me as usual.”

“I told you…” Ben started but was swiftly interrupted by a truly angry and still-smouldering Adam.

“It’s always about you. Ever since you were born, it’s been about you!”

Joe looked confused at this outburst. The young man acknowledged that he and Adam often argued and, at times, had come to blows. But, to Joe, the age difference and their differing temperaments were the cause of their fights. Joe loved his older brothers and would die for them. He thought the bad feelings were part and parcel of being brothers and sibling rivalry. Adam, on the other hand, had a different point of view!

“I can’t remember a time when it’s not been Joe this and Little Joe that,” Adam spat. “Spoilt, indulged and selfish, I think that sums you up quite well.”

“Adam, now that will do.” Ben interrupted, moving from his desk.

“No, it won’t. I’ve sat on this for years now. I’ve just about had enough of him and his ways.”

“Well, I’ve had enough of you too, brother — constantly harp…” Joe’s fists clenched and unclenched as he fought to control his anger.

“You are not my brother. You never have been, and you never will be!” Adam declared at volume. The words flew like bullets aimed directly at Joe.

“What d’you mean? Pa, what’s he talkin’ about?” Joe reacted instantly, looking at his father and then his brother, with his eyes wide and questioning, his world turned upside down at Adam’s words. “This can’t be true?’ his mind and stomach churned in fear. The feeling of nausea washed over him.

“Nothing Joe, Adam I don’t think …”

“Why don’t you tell him? It’s time he knew the truth.”

“Knew what, what are you on about, what truth?”

Ben stood lost for words at Adam’s outburst. Joe looked from one to the other. His heart was beating hard like a drum in his chest; his face showed his disbelief in Adam’s statement.

“You are not my brother, or Hoss’s. Pa isn’t your father! You are someone’s bastard. God only knows whose!”

Joe stepped back. His face was white with shock. His mouth formed a perfect ‘O’. His heart beat wildly at the flash of adrenaline now coursing through him.

“You’re a liar. Pa, tell me that’s not true. You are my Pa ain’t you?” Tears filled his eyes, threatening to spill down his cheeks.

“It’s true Joe, every word he said is true!” Ben looked into his youngest’s pale face. His heart broke at the information he must now share with this boy. Information he had hoped he would never have to divulge.

Joe turned to face Adam, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’ve done to make you hate me.” His voice was a whisper, and with that, he ran from the room without his jacket or hat.

“Joseph,” Ben shouted after the fleeing youth. “Let me explain!”

“Let him go, he’ll be back before too long,” Adam sighed. “I’m going upstairs for some peace and quiet!”

“I hope you’re proud of yourself. I’m going to find Joe!” Ben shouted at Adam’s back as he stomped up the stairs.

He left the room in time to see Joe gallop out of the yard like the devil was on his tail. Grabbing the blue jacket and black hat, Ben hurried out to get Buck saddled, ready to search for his youngest.

Upstairs, Hoss stood on the landing waiting for his older brother. He had heard the whole conversation and had a few words to say. Adam rounded the corner to the first-floor hall and almost bumped into Hoss’ bulky body wedged across his bedroom door.

“Hi brother,” Adam greeted. “I guess you heard most of that!”

“Couldn’t miss it. Why the heck did you do that, Adam? Joe’s still only a kid. I thought we’d put all that behind us fifteen years ago. He’s our brother, our family. Why did you go sayin’ that to him?”

Adam shook his head, “I’m tired and going to bed. Good night, Hoss.” With that, he pushed past his brother, entered his bedroom, and shut the door. Hoss stood staring after Adam. He had never known his older brother to behave in such a manner. Sure, Joe and Adam had butted heads on more than one occasion, but he was sure that Adam loved their younger brother as much as he did. This sudden revelation to the youngest member was unwarranted and unnecessary. Hoss shook his head; he knew there would be repercussions, none of which would be good.

Ben rode towards Lake Tahoe, his mind working overtime as he planned his explanation. He had a good idea of where he would find his youngest son if the boy acted true to his nature. It was just a twenty-minute ride in daylight, but now with the darkening sky and more cautious riding, it would take a little longer. Ben picked his way to the small promontory overlooking the lake; he trusted Buck to find his way in the restricted light. Worried eyes searched the dim shadows for the distinctive black and white Pinto that Joe rode. The horse was soon spotted ground tied and nibbling at some grass just before the rise to the plateau. Cochise whinnied on seeing his stable mate and turned as Ben and Buck drew alongside. Leaving both horses grazing side by side, Ben made his way up to the grassy knoll. He reached the top and let his gaze sweep the area. Difficult as it was to see, Ben soon spotted the small shape crouched by the grass-covered mound. The father moved across to the crouched figure, his son remained still, unaware of the presence behind him. The boy jumped in surprise at the weight of the large hand as it rested on his shoulder. Ben felt how cold the youth was to the touch.

“Put this on, Son,” Ben handed his boy the blue jacket. “It’s too cold out here now.”

Instinctively, the boy reached up to his father’s shirt front and turned his face into Ben’s chest, his hand gripping the leather vest.

“Pa,” the whispered name, “I’m sorry I ran off.”

“Hush now, Joseph. Let’s go home and I will explain everything.” Ben pulled the jacket around the youth’s shoulders and plopped the hat on his head.

 Joe sighed as the evening’s revelation returned to his mind. Tears filled his eyes at the memory of Adam’s words. How could he not be Ben Cartwright’s son? Every memory was of his family on the Ponderosa, of always being loved. He sniffed back the unshed tears, he was determined not to cry. Joe rubbed his hand under his nose, his mind still telling him it was all a lie.

“Pa,” he whispered. “Tell me the truth, please?”

“Don’t you want to go home first?” Ben asked.

“No! I need to know the truth. Please, I want you to tell me the whole story.”

Ben sighed, wishing this moment had never arisen and silently cursing Adam for revealing the secret he had tried so hard to keep from his youngest son.

Letting the two horses make their way back towards the house, Ben began to tell Joe the story of his birth fifteen years earlier.

“Before you were born, your mother and I tried for a child, many times. Marie lost four babies early in the pregnancy. We thought we were never to have a child of our own. We were coming home from old Mr Johnson’s place, do you remember him? It was an awful day in late October. Wind, rain, cold, even snow in the air. Nothing like the normal weather we get at that time of year. Thankfully, we had left Adam and Hoss at home with Hop Sing. We were most of the way back to the house when your mother spotted something in the road. It looked like a pile of old rags. Of course, we stopped. Marie wouldn’t let me drive on even though she was soaked through. I got down to clear whatever it was out of the way. When I pulled at the rags I saw it was a child.”

Joe frowned, his forehead wrinkling at the thought, “What was a kid doing on the road in bad weather?”

“It was a girl. A very pregnant young girl of about thirteen years.”

Joe shook his head in disbelief. He could easily remember the girls from school at thirteen, all giggly and pigtails.

“I got her onto the buggy, then we bought her home. We dried the child off, warmed her up, and into bed.”

“What was her name?”

“We never did find out. When the girl finally woke up we managed to get her to have some broth. We asked her questions, but after eating, she refused to tell us anything that could identify her or where she was from. Marie sat with the girl trying to comfort her. Mama got a little information from her but nothing much. We guessed the girl was about eight months along. The child didn’t even know there was a baby on the way. She had been kept as a slave by a gang of prospectors or trappers, we never found out who. They repeatedly raped and abused her. Then, when the baby was close to being born, they threw her out.”

Joe chewed hard on his lips as his father recounted the tragic tale. He couldn’t imagine anyone doing something so cruel to the girl, especially one expecting a baby.

“ Marie tried everything to get her to tell us more, but the girl clammed up again. We did what we could to help her, but she was so weak and undernourished that we didn’t think she would make it. We couldn’t understand how the girl ended up on the Ponderosa, but she refused to tell us anything more. After a few hours, it became obvious that labour had started and that the baby wasn’t too far from being born. Marie helped her as much as she could but because the girl was so weak the birth was long and drawn out. Eventually, we could see she couldn’t deliver the child and was becoming increasingly weak and fading. When she could speak between pushes she begged Marie to save the baby. Well, you know your Mama, she tried her best to save the girl and the baby, but she was too frail. The baby did make it to see the light of day, but sadly the girl had a rupture and bled out before we could do anything.”

 Joe was shocked at this information. He could not imagine how that young girl had felt. Was she afraid and knew the child could be the death of her? Did she even want the unplanned baby?

“That was me?”

“Yes, that was you. Marie delivered you, wrapped you in a towel and handed you straight to me. Her hands were the first to hold you during and after your birth. She named you Joseph at that moment. There was never any doubt that you were going to be her son. We thought you were probably three weeks early. It was a miracle you survived the birth. That poor girl had no idea what was happening. Her body just wasn’t ready for the trauma and pain of giving birth. You were so tiny. We weren’t sure if you would survive. Those first few weeks were desperately hard, Marie spent every waking hour with you. When he first saw you, Hoss called you his “Little Joe” and was always at her side to help. Adam quickly became an expert at getting you to sleep when you were screaming the house down!”

“What happened to my…my…mother?”

“Marie cleaned her up and we dressed her in a fresh nightgown. We buried her here on the ranch.”

“Where? Where is she?”

“We laid her to rest where your Mama is now. When you talk to Mama you’re also talking to her.”

Joe closed his eyes and swallowed hard at the lump filling his throat. All this time he had never been told about his natural mother. Who was his father? What had his mother felt knowing there was to be a child? Unbidden, tears squeezed through the long dark lashes. He rubbed a hand across his eyes, his mind in turmoil.  Maria was his Mama, but now she wasn’t. His mother was a little girl he would never know.

Joe nudged his pony around until their knees touched. In the closing darkness, he looked up, “Do I look like her?”

“She was petite and had curly hair like yours. But honestly, you look more like Marie than anyone else.”

“Thank you for helping her, and saving me,” Joe whispered, his voice breaking with emotion.

Ben reached across to place his hand on his son’s arm.

“You’ve been everything I ever wanted you to be, Joseph, if not more. I couldn’t love you any more than I do. You are my son, and I would kill anyone who said otherwise!”

In the now-darkened evening, Ben could see the nod of acknowledgement from his boy.

Back at the ranch house, Adam had risen from his bed. Sleep had evaded him as his conscience pricked about how he had treated the younger boy. After an hour of tossing and turning, he decided to rise, dress, and take a ride. Perhaps he could clear his head of the anger and resentment he felt. Adam pulled on his black jeans and matching shirt, grabbed his thick yellow jacket, and picked up his boots. Like a ghost, he went downstairs, out of the house and across to the barn. There he dropped onto a hay bale to pull the boots on. Hoss’s mount, Chubby, was missing.

“Probably gone to find Pa,” he mused as he stood to saddle Sport. Minutes later he found himself on the trail away from the house and into the deepening darkness.

Hoss had ridden towards the lakeside plateau, his gut telling him that’s where Little Joe would have gone. He hadn’t been riding for many minutes when he saw the two shadowy figures approaching from the lake. Hoss didn’t need bright lights to identify the riders; the white of Cochise was clear in the moonlight, as was the obvious difference in size of the riders.

“Hey, Pa, Joe,” he called out, “I was just comin’ to find you.”

“Hey yourself big brother.”

“Hoss,” Ben greeted. “We’re just coming home.”

“Good. I was gettin’ a bit worried,” Hoss replied turning his mount into line with his father and brother. “Everything ok?”

“Things are a little clearer,” Ben answered, as he urged his horse forward and closer to home.

 A short while later, the three rode into the yard. One of the hands ran across from the bunkhouse to take the mounts.

“What are you doing about at this time, Judd?” Ben asked as he handed Buck’s reins across.

“I heard you go out, Boss. I thought you might need someone up when you got back. Mr Adam’s out too, Sport’s not in the barn. I guess he left after you. D’you want me to do his chores in the morning?”

“If you would Judd, thank you. I wonder where Adam’s gone?”

Joe blanched at his eldest brother’s name, passed Cochise’s rein to Judd, and hurried into the house and up to his room. He was pleased Adam wasn’t about. He didn’t think he could face another argument with the oldest brother.

“Where you all bin?” Hop Sing’s raised voice sang out from the dining room. “Adam not here, Littl’ Joe runnin’ in house, Hoss out too, much foolishness in Cartwright house.”

“We’re here now Hop Sing, and starving. Is it too late for something to eat?” Ben requested of their faithful, though sometimes crotchety, cook housekeeper.

A stream of Chinese floated out after the cook returned to the kitchen, and then a frustrated comment in broken English followed.” Hop Sing fix dinner, no one here for dinner. Now Hop Sing fix dinner again, you eat this time!”

“Yes, Hop Sing. Thank you, Hop Sing.” Ben placated as Hoss slid into his place ready to prove he was hungry.

“Joe, get down here,” Ben shouted up the stairs. “Now!”

The youth appeared at the top of the staircase and then reluctantly stepped down to join his father at the dining room table.

“I’m not hungry,” he complained as he sat at his father’s left hand.

“Joseph, you’ve, we’ve been out in the cold, you will eat something. Then you’ll get up to bed for a few hours. I don’t want you coming down with a cold or worse!”

Hoss passed the dish of mashed potatoes across to his brother. Joe scooped a spoonful onto the plate, followed by a slice of beef and a chunk of warm bread. Ben frowned at the lack of quantity of food Joe had taken and gave the boy one of his ‘You will do as I say’ looks. A few more potatoes, another slice of beef, and some carrots and peas made their way to his plate. Ben poured coffee for them all while he outlined the plans for the following day with Hoss. As there were no urgent tasks for them to fulfil he decided on a day of taking it easy and catching up on their missed sleep. Joe willingly accepted his father’s instructions. He wasn’t feeling too good. The evening’s revelations had given him a bad headache and the prospect of an extra hour or so of sleep was more than appealing.

“Get some sleep, Joe,” Hoss told him. “You’re lookin’ a bit pale ‘n peaky.”

Joe raised his eyebrows at Hoss’s comment, “I’m goin’ big brother, I’m goin’.”

Once in the privacy of his room, Joe stripped off, placed his clothes over a chair, and washed his face with the cold water in the basin. The youth shivered, then yawned and thought, albeit briefly, of climbing into bed as he was, naked, but changed his mind as another shiver and sneeze caught him unaware. The oversized nightshirt swamped his slender body. It almost reached the floor, with the sleeves dropping past his wrists. He grinned as he caught sight of himself in the mirror. He looked like a schoolboy of twelve or thirteen rather than his fifteen-year-old self.

“Guess I need to get some new nightwear that fits.”

Hop Sing rarely threw clothes away. If he could repair or alter garments to fit, he would. Joe was often the recipient of Hoss’ cut-down nightshirts, not that Joe minded, by the time he got them the fabric was soft and cosy. Within minutes of climbing into bed, he fell into a deep slumber, just the top of his curly head visible above the crisp white sheet and multi-coloured Indian blanket.

It wasn’t a peaceful restful sleep, but one filled with dreams of a faceless girl running from dirty violent men. Or of Marie side by side with the child in the dark, damp earth of the grave.

Ben left Hoss sat at the table finishing the remains of the beef and his coffee.

“Be with you in a minute Pa, I don’t want to upset Hop Sing.” Ben nodded as he left to check his mount and speak to the yard hand.

“Hi, Pa,” a familiar voice broke the silence of the barn. “I just got back, I need to speak with you if you’ve got a minute?”

Adam stepped from the shadows by Sport’s stall into the soft lantern light.

“I wondered where you were,” Ben indicated a couple of hay bales for Adam to sit beside him. “Well?”

“I owe you an apology, Pa. I was wrong in saying what I did and hurting Joe like that. I’m deeply sorry for saying it, I regret it more than I can explain!”

“I think Joe needs your apology more than I do, Adam. His whole world has crumbled with your revelation, I had hoped he would never know about his birth.”

“I know. I’ve been thinking all evening. Trying to rationalise why the kid annoys me so. I know he’s not a bad kid, but he just seems to get under my skin and for no real reason. I think I need to get away for a while. Things are not working out for me here. I need to prove myself to myself. In the process, I’m hurting Joe, without knowing why.”

Ben frowned. “I don’t think you need to leave. I don’t want you to leave. But it is your choice, your decision, what you do. You’re a grown man, old enough to know what you want.”

“I want to talk to Joe. Put things right with him. Explain it if I can!”

“Your brother’s sleeping, you can speak to him in the morning. Hop Sing will get you some food if you haven’t eaten yet.”

“I’ll just get a coffee with Hoss, that’ll be fine.”

Ben nodded in agreement and patted his oldest boy on the shoulder. “Things need to be fixed son,” he suggested as they walked into the house.

“Brother…” Hoss greeted, pouring a cup of steaming coffee for Adam, then another for himself. “Well?”

“Long story Hoss, I need to speak with the kid. Try and explain things, I guess.”

Hoss nodded in agreement. “Sure do Adam, broke the boy you did. When did you forget that we are family an’ family don’t hurt each other like you did.!”

Adam looked across to the stairs and drank the remains of his coffee, “Guess I’d best go eat some humble pie.”

He rose and mounted the stairs to their respective bedrooms. He tapped gently on Joe’s open door, but the youth never moved. Silently Adam entered the room, then sat at his brother’s bedside. All that was visible was the mop of curly hair against the white pillowslip and an errant foot hanging out from under the blanket. Gently he pushed the cold foot back under cover into the warm bed. He smiled down at the sleeping form. Joe was still a boy; all arms and legs, no fat, just like a young colt and at times just as difficult to handle. Adam smiled at the dark hair that fell in disarray across the boy’s forehead. The longer hair was a frequent cause of disagreements with their father, although it seemed like Joe was winning that particular battle.

“I’m sorry Joe,” he whispered. “I should not have told you those things. I lied when I said I didn’t love you. I remember the day you were born, and Mama held you out to me to hold. You were so tiny. Pa could hold you in one hand. I was so scared I would hurt you.” Joe stirred, mumbled something incomprehensible and then sighed as he returned to sleep. Adam’s hand caressed the now-exposed cheek. “Still no sign of a beard little brother, aren’t you the lucky one!” Adam watched his brother for a long moment, then scratched at his chin and ran a hand through his hair. “How am I going to tell you I’m leaving? I have to go but will you understand? I doubt it knowing you. I’ve got other things to do; other places to see. I’m frustrated here. It’s always the same; chores, cattle, horses, dealing with the lumber, going into town and seeing the same folk all the time. I’m bored with the routine I guess. I want to find a wife, who doesn’t know me or about the ranch and money. I can’t be Ben Cartwright’s eldest boy forever. I want to be Adam Cartwright; the designer of houses and ships, office buildings and many other things. You and Hoss love this life. You were born to it. I don’t think either of you will ever leave here. This is your life Joe, not mine. I want you to become the man you are destined to be, if I stay that may not happen. I don’t want you in my shadow forever. Will you understand that?”

Joe turned to his side, bright eyes open, fixing on his brother. “Please don’t leave, I don’t want you to go.”

“Joe.”

“I heard everything Adam, you don’t have to go.”

“You need Pa more than you need me little brother, believe me, you’ll be fine. Pa will always put you right.”

Joe turned his face away, not wanting his brother to see his sadness.

“You’ll go, forget us, never come back. I know.”

“That will never happen, believe me.”

“When do you plan on going?”

“I thought next Monday.”

“Oh. So soon?”

Adam nodded.

“Have you told Pa and Hoss yet?”

“Pa knows, just not when. I think Hoss knows without me tellin’ him.”

Joe shifted in bed and turned to face the wall, away from his brother.

“Hmm, okay. Joe, we’re good now, yes?”

“We were good as soon as Pa told me everything, Adam.”

“Try to sleep. I expect Pa’ll be up later.”

“Whatever.” Joe finished the conversation by pulling the blanket high over his shoulder. He then closed his eyes in the hope he could return to sleep.

“Good night, Joe,” Adam patted Joe’s shoulder and left the room, the door ajar. The youth listened as Adam’s footsteps sounded down the hall and stairs, and then he could hear the voices drift up as Ben and Hoss asked how he was.

Joe turned his face into the pillow and struggled to contain the tears that threatened to fall. In his mind, he could only see how he was the cause of his mother’s death and now his brother’s departure from the Ponderosa. How could his life be worth the pain he had caused the rest of his family?

“I’ve told Joe I’m leaving,” Adam sat in the blue armchair alongside the hearth. “I think he’s okay, but he isn’t happy about it.”

“D’ya think you’re doin’ the right thing?” Hoss asked, sitting on the edge of the table. “I reckon we can work through it.”

“I’ve decided, Hoss, I’m not changing my mind!”

“So, you’ve decided to leave Monday?” Ben spoke. “Have you made any other plans, where you’re aiming for, money, supplies, or work?”

” Reckon I’ll go south, maybe get to San Francisco then find some work or get a ship, I haven’t planned that far ahead.”

The following morning Joe was up with the larks. He did his and Adam’s chores before anyone else appeared and was starting on Hoss’s when his bigger brother pushed his way into the barn.

“Hey, Short Shanks. What you doin’ up this early, couldn’t you sleep?”

“Morning brother, nah, just woke up and couldn’t settle so come down to get a good start on the day.”

Hoss raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You, not sleep! That’s a new one, you feelin’ okay?”

“Ha ha,” came the retort as Joe began the long brush strokes on Chubb’s coat.

“Joe, can I ask ya, how do you feel, you know, with Adam leavin’?”

Joe’s brush strokes stopped for a couple of seconds, then began with more vigour.

“Don’t want him to go, but he’s made his mind up, so I guess we have to live with it.”

“Guess so…hey, you’re gonna brush all of Chubb’s coat away brushing that hard!”

The big horse leaned into Joe as he ran his hand down the flank. “Nah, ole Chubb’s here likes a firm hand, don’t cha boy?”

Grooming completed, and the barn chores done to Joe and Hoss’s satisfaction, the brothers strolled across to the house. Their appetites were ready for one of Hop Sing’s superb breakfasts.

Adam and his father sat waiting for the brothers to appear. Hop Sing carried plates of bacon and eggs from the kitchen with fresh coffee and toast, homemade butter, and jams.

“Boys almost too late for breakfast,” he announced. “Now sit and eat while food is hot!”

Ben gave his youngest sons knowing looks and grinned as Hop Sing departed to his kitchen.

“Let’s not disappoint Hop Sing boys, food’s getting cold!” Then began the ritual of passing around the dishes until they had a plateful of piping hot food. An upcoming roundup and drive were under discussion.

“It’ll be much easier when they build the railroad and add a spur here,” Adam ventured. “You can just drive ’em down to the stock pens, load ’em up and that’s the job done. It’ll save on hands and time, and the bonus is, the cattle won’t be losing any fat on such a short journey.”

“Depends when they get it started, son,” Ben voiced. “It would be nice if it were this year rather than ten years.”

“Well, it won’t affect you, will it?” Joe threw across at Adam. “You won’t be here to deal with it!”

“Joseph,” Ben spoke sharply. “That will do.”

“But it’s true, Pa. After Monday nothing will bother Adam cause he’s goin’ on a trip, to who knows where for who knows how long!”

“You’re excused, Joe, there’s work waiting to be done.” With only a few words, Joe was dismissed from the table and sent on his way. Ben’s planned easy day was swiftly abandoned as he took steps to keep his boys apart. One day of upset was enough. Perhaps a good, hard day’s work would help.

At a trot, Hoss followed Joe to the barn, “Hey, wait up Short Shanks, we’re workin’ together this morning, or you forgotten already?”

“Uh…sorry Hoss, nah, come on let’s go find those strays, keep me outta the way for a few hours.” Joe saddled Cochise, pulled a new lasso from the hook on the wall, then led his mount out into the sunshine. Moments later, Hoss, leading Chubb, followed him out.

“Dang it, Joe, we’ve not got any lunch, I hope Hop Sing has made up some food for later. I’ll go see him.”

As he said the words, the kitchen door flew open, and the little Chinese man appeared, calling out, “Hoss, Little Joe, you wait, Hop Sing have lunch now.” He ran across to the mounted brothers.

“Thank ya, Hop Sing, I would have plumb starved without this!” Hoss announced, tucking the two small sacks into his saddle bag.

The little Chinese man frowned and shook his head, thinking, ‘As if I would let my boys go off to work without their lunch?’ as he disappeared back into his kitchen.

“Joe’s right you know, Pa,” Ben and Adam remained seated at the dining table. “Many things will happen that won’t affect me so I shouldn’t pass comment.”

“You’re still part of the family son, even if you’re away from it. Joe’s still coming to terms with everything. You know how he gets at times trying to process stuff.”

Adam nodded. “True.”

“You can take one of the pack mules with supplies. Are you taking Sport or one of the other horses?”

“I’m going to leave Sport. I don’t want to sell him if I decide on getting a ship out. Thank you for the offer of a remuda mount. If I sell it I’ll send you the money, and whatever I get for the mule.”

“I’ll have Joe look after Sport. He’s well able to control him. It might make things easier for him, you know. The responsibility of your horse.”

“Thank you, Pa. That’s a weight off my mind. I thought I’d give you a hand getting the ledgers up to date before I go. Shall we do that this morning, or have you something else you would rather get done?”

“Good idea, son, we’re pretty much up to date now so it’ll only take a couple of hours.” With that, they sat at Ben’s desk and began their bookkeeping.

Hoss and Joe had a very productive morning. They located and retrieved several strayed cattle from the creeks and dry river beds; others from hidden rock gullies and a few hiding among the bushes and undergrowth. By the time the sun was overhead, Hoss had made his way to meet Joe under the shade of a large pine tree. He knew Joe wouldn’t be too long as it had been a long time since breakfast, and Hoss was sure Joe would be just as hungry as himself. True enough, ten minutes after he’d arrived, Joe rode in from the opposite direction.

Both unsaddled their mounts and ground-tied them in the shade. While one built a fire ring, the other went to get some fresh water for coffee and the horses.

“How many did you get?” Hoss asked between mouthfuls of roast beef sandwiches. “I routed out twenty.”

“Eighteen, jeez they get in some awkward places,” Joe complained. “Don’t think they’ve got a brain between ’em!”

Hoss chuckled at his brother’s grousing. “You’re right. Any more food in that sack? I’m starving.”

They sat in comfortable silence while they ate and leaned back against the tree as bees buzzed busily around them, dancing from dandelion to daisy and back again. The air was filled with the scent of grass and meadow flowers as bird song drifted down from the upper branches.

“I’m not goin’ to see Adam off on Monday!” Joe announced, breaking their silence.

“Why not?” Hoss questioned. Joe just shook his head as he looked away.

“You gotta talk to him, Joe, before he goes. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

“I’ll talk to him before he goes, I’ve still got time, it’s Thursday today so plenty of time.”

They had finished eating, and there were still more cattle to be found. The coffee dregs were poured over the fire and dust kicked over it to be sure it was out. They cleared any rubbish they’d made, went and sorted their business, saddled up and rode away.

“Meet you back here later? ” Hoss suggested. “I’ll fire off a couple of rounds to let you know I’m here.”

“Have you taken the strays back to the main herd?”

“Yep, you?”

“Uh hu, see ya later then…”

Two weary, dusty cowboys returned to the Ponderosa ranch house that evening. The first task was to groom and feed their horses, then settle them for the night before crossing to the house for a wash, change of clothes and eat.

Most nights dinner would last an hour or more, but tonight was different. Joe couldn’t stop yawning. Ben watched him trying to eat and yawn at the same time. The boy did look very tired and seemed to be sneezing more frequently. Dark circles were showing under his green eyes, a frown across his forehead, and he had no enthusiasm for the food. Ben watched him push it around the plate but barely ate anything. He could easily recall earlier times when his youngest was a small child, just how challenging mealtimes could be.

“Joseph,” Ben spoke. “Either eat your dinner or go to bed. You look exhausted.”

“I am tired, Pa. Will you apologise to Hop Sing for me please?”

“Yes, of course. Now go on, get yourself to bed!”

Joe climbed the stairs and made his way to his bedroom. His boots were soon under the bed, his jeans on the chair by the dresser, and the rest of his clothes followed suit. His clean night shirt slipped over his head, yet another of Hoss’s old ones, and he slid into bed. Within minutes, Joe was deep in the arms of Morpheus and sound asleep.

“How’s he been today, Hoss?” Ben asked as he drank his wine.

“Fine, Pa, Joe’s worked hard today, not said much but he’s been okay.”

“Makes a change,” Adam voiced sarcastically.

“Hey!” Hoss exclaimed. “That ain’t fair, Little Joe found as many cows as me, and he had to get wet ‘n dirty with a couple of ’em.”

“I repeat makes a change. You know how he likes to skive off on these jobs.”

“Adam, that’s uncalled for. Hoss said he’s been fine, looking at how tired he is I don’t doubt it.”

“I thought you and Joe had sorted things out?” Hoss questioned. “Obviously not, from where I’m sittin’.”

“I’m just wondering how much you two will let him get away with when I’m  gone!”

Ben glared at his eldest son, “What makes you think he will get away with anything, Adam?”

“Yeah,” Hoss chimed in. “Joe does his jobs, he just does them different to you. Ain’t nuthin’ wrong with that.”

“Yeah, he does them. But how often does one of us have to redo or check he’s done it correctly?”

“You’re not being fair, Adam,” Ben cut into his son’s complaint. “He’s not done anything wrong recently, well, nothing that I can think of.”

“You both always make excuses for the kid!” Adam’s voice grew louder. “It’s time he grew up and took responsibility for his actions. Not fixing the gate to the corral the other week and all the horses getting out. Not finishing the fence line and ‘mislaying’ some tools. How many other examples shall I give you?”

“Okay, point taken. But…”

“No buts Pa, you know I’m justified. I’m just wondering what it’ll take for you to deal with him.”

“That is my problem to deal with, Adam. I am his father, not you. So kindly leave that in my hands. As Joe said earlier, you won’t be here after Monday so let me worry about it, not you! Now, subject closed!”

Hoss glared across the table at his brother, “You sure have got a grudge against the boy, ain’t you?”

The chair scraped back as Hoss bid his father goodnight and threw another dark look at Adam before mounting the stairs. In turn, Adam moved from the dining table. He poured himself a large brandy, raised it in a toast to Ben then climbed the stairs to his room.

Ben crossed to his office, with a long, deep sigh, he pulled his chair out and sat behind the imposing oak desk. He removed a set of keys from the bottom drawer and twisted around to the large floor-mounted grey safe. Inserting the key, he spun the dial left and right. On hearing the telltale click, Ben removed another locked container and placed it on the polished surface. Finding the correct key, he opened the box. Within it lay numerous papers the concerned father leafed through until he found the specific item he sought.

Carefully, he placed the parchment on his blotter and opened it. He ran his fingers across the lines of script, lingering on his late wife’s signature. It stated Joseph Francis Cartwright was his and Marie’s son. It gave his date and place of birth and the names of his father and mother. There was no mention of the child that had given birth to the boy.

“Oh, my dear,” Ben murmured. “I’ve had to tell our boy the truth about his birth. I wish you were here to help me and help Joseph deal with this. Should I have told him before? I just wanted to protect him, and now, I don’t know what to do for the best.” In despair, he dropped his head into his hands and gazed at the document lying before him.

“Pa,” a soft voice emerged from the darkened room. Only firelight lit the space now as shadows danced around the corners. “Pa?”

Ben looked to see his youngest son standing on the landing, clad in his long nightshirt and barefoot.

“Joseph, what are you doing up? Come and sit by the fire before you get too cold,” Ben moved across to the fireside and poked at the still-burning logs. Joe sat on the table, his feet on the hearth and his arms hugging his knees.

“Couldn’t you sleep, son?”

There was a slight shake of his head, “Why is Adam so against me now?” the boy asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t think he knows either.”

“I…I want things to be as they were before.”

“So do I, son, but that is impossible now. We have to wait for Adam to find what he’s looking for and hopefully, he will return to us.”

The boy nodded, “I hope he comes home soon though.”

“I’ve got something to show you, stay there,” Ben crossed to the desk, picked up the handwritten document and his old family bible and returned to the fireside.

“This is a paper your Mama and I drew up. Would you like to see it?”

Ben placed it on the table, putting an apple on each corner to secure it flat. Joe moved around, better to see the writing as Ben lit another lamp, bringing it over to illuminate the table.

“We did this just after you were born. Your Mama wanted everything in writing as soon as possible, she didn’t want any chance of you being taken away from us.”

Joe slowly read the beautifully scripted cursive writing. Everything his father had told him was here in black and white with his Ben’s legal wax seal. He looked up into his father’s face.

“Now read this,” he opened the Bible to the back flyleaf. There were a lot of entries, going back years. Many generations were listed in scratchy handwriting. But halfway down was his father’s bold and ornate penmanship. There he could read of his family’s history. Written beneath his parents’ names were his name, date and place of birth. He was recorded in the Family Bible. His place in the Cartwright family was assured.

“Thank you, Pa.” His three words showed his gratitude and love for the man who was his father and hero.

“Do you think you can sleep now?”

With a small smile and a nod of his head, Joe rose from the table. “Good night, Pa.”

“You too, son, now sleep well.”

Ben returned to his desk, rolled the document up and returned it to its safe place. A short while later another set of footsteps descended the stairs. Ben looked up as Adam walked across the room to him. He was still in day clothes, not having bothered to change.

“You having trouble sleeping too, son?” he asked as Adam stopped at the desk.

“Guess so,” Adam slid his backside onto the corner.

“Can I help?”

“No, I don’t think so. It’s just me. I feel guilty for hurting the kid again. I can’t help myself. It seems everything he says or does is gettin’ to me. I don’t know why.”

“You know he doesn’t want you to leave?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m not changing my mind. It’ll be better for us all. A bit of space for a while.”

“This is always your home, Adam. You can come back here anytime you want, you know that.”

“Thanks for that, Pa. I’m leaving at first light tomorrow. It’ll be better that way, no more arguments. Tell Joe I’m sorry for everything, and that I do love him. Likewise for Hoss. I’ll miss them both but it’s for the best.”

Ben moved around the desk to his eldest son. He wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

“I’ll tell them. I will miss you, son. I love you and wish you well. Travel safe and make sure you write to us regularly.”

Adam pulled away, “Bye, Pa.” He turned slowly and walked up to his bedroom. Closing the door, he finished his packing in silence. He felt he was suffocating with everything that had been said over the last few days. He didn’t doubt he loved his family but now felt the time was right to branch out on his own. And before there was irreparable damage done to his family.               

Ben watched him mount the stairs, his heart aching at the thought of his firstborn leaving home under these circumstances. But then he considered that Adam was twenty-seven, nearly twenty-eight years old, and he had been at his side since birth. Surely it was now time for him to strike out on his own. Maybe he would finally find the right woman and get married. And eventually, have a family. With that thought, he doused the light, made the log fire safe, and climbed the stairs to the sanctity of his bedroom. Tonight, he would mull over the day’s events and contemplate how they would go forward as a family without Adam at his side. However, his biggest concern now was the effect on Joseph and the repercussions that would surely follow with these latest revelations.

Ben climbed into bed. He pulled the pillows into shape and laid back, his hands linked behind his head. Whatever happened, however it played out with Joe, they would get through this. They were a loving family with strong and deep bonds. This would not break them.

                       The End.

29.09.24