Learning to Live Again

by smp4ever

BONG! BONG! BONG! The grandfather clock struck 3! How many more sleepless nights or nights of thrashing about in bed could I endure? I was tired of waking up on sweat drenched sheets. The circles under my eyes were getting deeper and darker. Drinking, crying, riding Cooch, talking to Pa…nothing seemed to help. When and how would peace come to me? I was losing my battle with finding reasons to live.

I had to get away. I needed to get away, away from the memories, away from so much loss, pain, and sadness that surrounded me here. The concerned look on my father’s face was becoming a constant. Leaving would be hard on Pa but I knew he’d understand. Heck, he was the one who kept suggesting I take an extended vacation. He saw how I had thrown myself into my work and said I earned time off. Finally, I made up my mind. I’d pack my bags and be on my way tomorrow morning.

Standing by the front door, Pa and I looked deeply into each other’s eyes. Both of us understood the depth of love we had for one another just in that single look. The tears welled up in our eyes. Then Pa grabbed me and wrapped his strong arms around me. It was in those arms that I had always found my comfort and my safe place. The child within wished I could stay there forever inhaling Pa’s Bay Rum aftershave and aromatic pipe tobacco.  We slowly broke our embrace, sniffed, and wiped away our tears. After giving each other a half- hearted smile, I picked up my bags.

“Make sure you keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing,” Pa said.

“I don’t know where this journey will take me. I just know I have to get away.”

“I know, Son. You don’t have to explain.”

“You’ll hear from me, Pa. I promise. 

I’m not taking the buckboard after all. It’s just going to be me and Cochise. I’ll unpack the suitcases in the barn and shove what I need in my saddlebags.”

“Ok, Son. I’ll take care of the suitcases later.”

“Thanks, Pa, and you take care of yourself!”

 I turned and headed out the door. Pa didn’t follow. He knew better. Besides strong arms, Pa had the greatest inner strength of anyone I’d ever known. 

I’m sure Pa was praying for me inside that door. I hoped God would hear his prayers.

After riding since sunup this morning, I stopped. The sound of a gentle flowing stream beckoned me, and I knew it was a good place to set up camp. Boy, was I tired and sore from being in the saddle far too many hours. I stripped down and meandered over to the stream with Cooch. While he drank his fill, I jumped into the water to wash off hours of dust and dirt. The stream was very cold as my male organ discovered, but refreshing. It gave me sufficient vigor to get my campfire going and to make coffee. I only had enough energy left to eat a little beef jerky and hardtack. After stoking the fire to make sure uninvited four legged guests stayed away, I settled down on my blanket with my saddle under my head. I looked up into the night sky; my eyes fixed on the twinkling lights. It was mesmerizing! Each star seemed to wink at me. One star in particular appeared so bright! I swore I could hear Hoss’s voice. 

“Hey, Joe. What’s happened to my adventurous, daredevil little brother? You got us into more trouble with your harebrained schemes. Should I remind you of the time you decided to be Joe Cartwright, Detective? I snapped the reins when you yelled at me to follow the would-be bank robbers. Next thing I knew I was flying through the air and landed on my belly on the ground. The horses weren’t hooked up to the wagon! You also had me put my ear against the wrong door. A six turned upside down is a 9!  Remember? Thanks to your little blunder, I got punched in the nose by a woman bigger than me!

How about another time when Pa made you the boss? You forced me to help you rob the bank. Pa almost had to sell the Ponderosa to get out of that fix. I won’t even bring up the matter of the mules! 

In both those madcap adventures, Pa pressed charges and had us jailed. I recall that I got most of the bruises,too! 

Gosh, we did have fun though, plus in the end, we saved the day! 

Joe, it’s time for you to get that spunk back! You can do it, Little Brother! Get on with living!”

Another twinkling star winked at me. The words sounded so sweet and were injected with a light-heartedness.

“Hello, My Mud Pie Eater!” 

“Laura?”  

“Taking a plunge into the pond when you tried to get the snow star flower for me was so Joe Cartwright. You acted without concern for your own well being. All you wanted to do was please me and make me happy. Building a fire in the cabin and getting a blanket to put around my rain soaked body was part of your charm and sweetness. However, I did have to ask you to turn around while I removed my dress. 

Get that impulsive, throw caution to the wind, caring, and sweet Joe back. You can do it, My Darling!” 

Another and another and another star burned extra brightly. Each one winked at me in its own extraordinary way.  I knew who these three stars were. Julia, Amy, and Sally were special women in my life to whom I had given my heart. 

“You were so young and had an indomitable spirit. When you walked into Julia’s Palace and came to my aid, I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist you. You awakened a sensation inside of me that I thought had died. Even though I tried to push you away, my heart belonged to you.”

Next, Amy’s voice could be heard. 

“Oh Joe, you were my first love. I recited Shakespeare to you, but your words, to my ears, were much more eloquent. Your lips were so soft and tender. I was ready to run away with you and marry. I know I said it could never be, a Cartwright and a Bishop, but my heart told me differently.”

“My dear Joe,” Sally said. “When you came into the bank and told me about the ring, my heart skipped a beat. That news made me so excited, the same way you always made me feel. I remember how my knees buckled the first time you kissed me on the lips. No one had ever had an effect on me like you. Also, Daddy loved the thought of you being his son-in-law. I hope my Bible, which my father gave you, is bringing you comfort.”

In unison my three angels reminded me that I made them feel alive and loved. 

Amy and Julia were so grateful. 

“You came to our defense and risked your own life trying to protect us!”

“For me, Joe, you got justice.” Sally said. “You pursued Horace until he admitted his guilt.”

“What a hero you were to all of us! We know you will always carry us in your heart. Loving you and you loving us filled our lives with so much happiness. You need to take our love and let it fill you with joy again. We believe in you, Joe! Now, get back into the game of life! We’re watching over you!”

This star is different. It’s the first star I ever remember. 

“Mama?” 

“Oui, Mon Petit Amour. You were so active inside me. Your little feet kicked me constantly and probably bruised my insides! After you were born, you were like a locomotive, constantly in motion! Papa and I could never keep up with our laughing, mischievous, happy, little boy. A true, free-spirited toddler, you loved to run around naked. Papa would have to scoop you up when you’d try to escape out the front door. He’d blow raspberries on your belly and then deposit my giggling, little boy back into my arms so I could get you dressed. You were a handful! The poor chickens were terrorized by you chasing after them and trying to grab them. When Papa and I would take you riding on our horses, you were fearless. Your little voice would yell, “Faster, faster!” Loving life was how we described you.

Mon Petit, find that rambunctious, exuberant little boy in you, and get that fire burning again!” 

One last twinkling star winked at me. I knew it was Alice. 

“Your smile melted my heart. Oh Joe, what little time we had together as husband and wife brought me more happiness and satisfaction than I had ever known. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other! Being late for dinner at your Pa’s house several times wasn’t only my fault! You were a very willing participant! Joe, your capacity to love is so great. Your little baby boy and I want you to stop wasting time. Remember Joe, even one day wasted is one less day of living. Live for all of us. Make us proud.

Forever!”

Joe woke up with a start!

 Was that a dream? 

Either way, it didn’t matter. For the first time in a long time, Joe felt very different from the way he had been feeling. He couldn’t explain it. He just knew it was time to get back among the living. 

His first stop brought him to Folsom, a town outside of Sacramento. A circus had come to perform. Joe got settled at the hotel. Remembering the promise he made to his father, he went to the telegraph office to send a telegram letting Pa know he was okay. Then he strolled over to where the trapeze artists were practicing their acrobatic acts. Joe enjoyed watching them fly through the air. Suddenly, one of the trapezists slipped! Thankfully, he fell into the netting, but unfortunately, he banged his wrist on the pole. Joe could hear the crack and ran over to see if he could help. 

“Is there something I can do?”  

A voice from behind Joe yelled, “Yes Sir. Put on these fleshings and take Omar’s place.” 

“What? Omar? You mean the guy who just fell? Are you kidding me? Oh no, not me!”

 “Young Man, I’m not kidding. Didn’t you just ask if you could help? You look strong and very athletic. I can tell you’re very agile, too!” 

“Yes, but, but… me… up there? I didn’t mean that type of help!”

“Don’t worry! Nothing fancy. We’ll show you what you have to do!”

 “And what the heck are fleshings?” Joe asked. 

“It’s this tight, skin colored clothing. Now hurry and change! There’s no time to waste!” 

Joe’s heart started racing and he could feel the redness from blushing creeping up to his cheeks and forehead. Sweat was dripping down his back and Joe could feel his armpits begin to perspire. Just the thought of being that far off the ground sent shivers up Joe’s spine!

“Listen Mister. I’m really sorry. I just don’t think I can do this!” 

Joe turned and began to walk away, but something made him stop. Was it the voices he had heard? Perhaps this was the opportunity he needed to start living again. Joe laughed to himself and thought, or die falling! He turned back to the man and hesitantly took the clothing from him. A few minutes later, Joe appeared in the fleshings. Wow, am I packed inside these tights! There’s not much left to the imagination! If only Pa could see me now! Second thought, not a good idea!

“Here I am!” Joe said to the trainer.

The man told Joe to start out by swinging back and forth on the trapeze. Joe grabbed the fly bar, closed his eyes, said a silent prayer, and jumped off the high pedestal board. Joe was flying through the air!  As he did, his confidence increased. This is exhilarating! Joe took to it like a bee to honey. The trainer knew Joe’s upper body strength would support the daring maneuvers he was about to introduce. Joe was ready! Adrenaline was pumping and his aerial act moved to another level. Joe completed a flip and also did a split! His only concern was that his tights didn’t split, too! 

It was time for his first performance. After getting over the embarrassment in his fleshings, Joe pushed his shoulders back and strutted his stuff over to the ladder. He shimmied up and planted his feet firmly on the platform. Joe took a deep breath and leaped off the board! Letting go had significant meaning for Joe. His momentum accelerated. Joe was flying forward and made the connection to the other side. The muscles in his arms and shoulders enabled him to control his movements with such grace and finesse.  He was having the time of his life! Success! Joe performed nightly to the whooping and hollering of men, women, and children.  He certainly had a lot to be proud of, in more ways than one! 

After a few weeks, Omar had healed, so Joe told his new friends it was time for him to move on. They hated to see Joe go. The carnival family had really grown to love him. Also, crowds were the largest the circus had ever had. Perhaps, one reason was because no one filled out fleshings like Joe did! 

After looking at his map, Joe decided to head south. He journeyed to Rosarito Beach, a little south of Tijuana. There was only one hotel in town so Joe checked in and got settled. The room was clean and comfortable and that’s what Joe needed to be. He went to the bathhouse, peeled off his dusty, offensive clothing and soaked in the tub. It felt so good to relax. A shave and clean clothes reinvigorated Joe. He returned to the hotel and headed to the cantina. Joe was ready for some fun. He ordered a tequila, then another, and another, and was enjoying the Mexican music. It was lively and upbeat. He was tapping his foot to the beat. Without warning Joe was whisked onto the dance floor to join some men doing the zapateado. Joe was stomping his feet to the rhythm of the music and keeping up quite nicely with the other men. Everyone was cheering on the Americano! Joe had so much fun. Out of breath, he stumbled back to his seat. A young senorita strolled over to sit with the sweaty, new performer. Joe’s lively performance aroused her. The young lady lusted for the new zapateado dancer. Joe felt a long-lost, familiar twitching in his pants. He willingly followed her upstairs that night. Whether it was the tequila, the enticing look of the senorita, need, or all of the above, Joe’s animal instincts kicked in. Lying naked with their bodies pressed hard against each other, Joe came to life! It was a night of hot, steamy sex that exploded in an orgasm like Joe had never experienced!

He stayed in Mexico for several more weeks enjoying the people, fiestas, and customs and culture. Joe spent some of that time at the ocean. He had fun splashing playfully in the water and jumping waves with families and their children. The little boy in Joe manifested itself and he reverted back to the days of that innocent, happy, carefree child. The adults and the children alike enjoyed Joe’s company. 

He was also fond of the solitude he found taking long walks along the beach. Breathing in sea air and hearing waves crashing on the beach, cleared Joe’s head. Serenity and peace had finally returned to Joe. He knew that life could and would be good again. 

With happiness that had eluded Joe for so long now reinfused into him, Joe decided it was time to return home. His body, mind, spirit, and soul had begun to be restored, renewed, and refreshed. He knew he would never fully heal, for the pain of grief would always be part of his life. However, Joe felt he could navigate through this grief. His fractured heart was now replaced with a warm feeling in that same heart. Thinking of all the special people whom he had loved and lost didn’t make Joe feel as sad as he had felt. This was the magic of their love. It turned his tears mostly into smiles. Joe knew he was not alone anymore. He understood that all of those brilliantly shining stars walked beside him everyday. 

There was so much more life to live, so many new adventures to experience, and perhaps, one day, a new love to meet and create a life together. Pa would certainly like having some little Cartwrights running around!

Thinking about his father, Joe couldn’t wait to go home and tell Pa of his many escapades. Well, perhaps it would be more prudent not to share all of them!

Before heading out, Joe looked up to the heavens and said, Thank you for helping me learn to live again! I love you all and will hold you in my heart forever. Until we meet again.

The End

Author’s notes:

My mother passed away on June 22, 2022 and my husband, Michael passed away October 22, 2023 after 40 years of marriage. Loss is very painful, especially when you’ve been blessed to have experienced such real and strong love. You realize you have no control over what has happened. What you do have control over is how to choose to live the rest of your life. Like Joe, I’m learning to live with grief and learning how to live again. It is a process. I’m working on taking the pain and turning it into joy for myself and for others. Besides the support and love of my family and friends, another thing that has helped me tremendously has been becoming a member of Just Joe. The camaraderie and interaction with fellow Joe lovers has been a positive force. This experience has given me the encouragement and motivation to write. Learning to Live Again is my first attempt at writing fanfiction. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Special thanks to June Baker and Pat Grubb for sharing weekly writing tips and for their support and confidence building.

As an aside, when I was dating my husband-to-be, my knees actually did buckle the first time he kissed me on the lips! I let Sally from Justice have that same experience!

The term ‘blowing raspberries’ has been in use since at least 1890 so I took a little poetic license!

Episode Referenced: 

Bank Run written by NB Stone, Jr.

Joe Cartwright, Detective written by William F. Claxton, Michael Landon

The Storm written by Denne Bart Petitclerc

The Julia Bulette Story written by Al C. Ward 

The Truckee Strip written by Herman Groves

Justice written by Richard Wendley

Marie, My Love written by Anne Howard Bailey, Anthony LawrenceForever written by Michael Landon