The Root Of All Evil

CHAPTER ONE

Joe

The club plowed into my gut before I’d fully opened the door.  Doubling over, I staggered back.  Given no time to recover, the next blow sent me to my knees.  I coughed and gasped for air.  My brain fogged with sparks, but I managed to see three pairs of boots entering the cabin.  One of them was expensive, polished, and shiny.

“Miles!” Helen exclaimed.

My head snapped up.  Casper!  Terror takes my breath this time.  The need to protect Helen overrode the agony.  I tried to stand.  The size twelve boot of one of Casper’s thugs shoved me back down as I demanded, “Stay away from her!”

My scrambled attempt to rise again halted when Helen danced toward her husband.  I watched the kiss they exchanged and followed his hands as they trailed down her arms and up her back, pulling her closer.  My mussed brain struggled to understand what I was witnessing. 

When they broke apart, her words stunned me: “What took you so long?

“Your letter needed to reach me, and then I had to get here.”

“I couldn’t have stood it much longer.  You’ve no idea the squalor I’ve had to endure.”

“My poor love.”  He kissed her again, adding, “I’ve brought a gift for you.”

Her squeal of delight made me flinch.  This can’t be real.  “Helen.  Don’t.  You don’t have to pretend to him anymore.”

Those big innocent eyes were turned toward me.  The warmth and love had gone, replaced by mockery and coldness.  She leaned down and took my chin between her slender fingers.  “Don’t you understand?  I love my husband very much.”

“What?”

“Poor, Joe.  So stupid.  But I did enjoy our nights together.”

Behind her, Casper’s face solidified into harsh lines.  I groaned.  That remark had done me no favors.  Taking her arm, he moved Helen to the door.

“Go wait in the carriage for me.”

Her words were a sensuous murmur, “Don’t be long.”

“Don’t go!” I begged.  How pathetic was I?  She didn’t even look back.

Casper squatted in front of me.  The look of pity in his eyes made me cringe.

“Why?”

He looked surprised at the question.  “Money.  You’d be amazed what the threat of revealing a man’s son is a cuckold gets me.  Favors, a man’s silence, a better price on machinery, land … or timber.”

“Timber?  You did this for the timber?”

“Timber is money, boy.”

“But, you’re rich.”

“And I’ll be richer still.”

“You mean you whore out your wife f- ?”

Fingers yanked back my head, cutting off my words. 

“You’ve proved to be quite a nuisance, and now you’ll get a valuable lesson in keeping your hands off what doesn’t belong to you.” 

“Go to Hell!”

He chuckled at my defiance.  Why wouldn’t he?  All the aces were in his hand.  Before stepping through the door, he turned to the two heavies and instructed, “Don’t kill him.”

*****

Casper’s men knew their business.  They hadn’t killed me.  The piece of broken mirror revealed my face.  I winced and wiped the blood from my mouth and chin.  My other hand wouldn’t stop shaking, and the wrist looked broken.  Straightening up was a joke, and taking a breath hurt like hell.  Busted ribs seemed likely.

My guests had gone.  I wished I could say I held my own, but that would be a lie.  Casper’s thugs had taken me apart.  I touched my swelling eye.  Blood had run and dried into the other from the gash on my forehead, and the cuts on my chin and cheeks weren’t pretty.

The mirror got tossed back amongst the debris before I looked around the cabin.  The place was trashed.  I moved broken bits of table and chairs aside to get to the kitchen.  While I searched for a tin bowl and cloth, my boots crunched over the crockery we’d eaten off and the smashed jars that had held sugar and flour meant for pancakes.  I found what I needed.  But the water barrel lay in pieces, and I headed outside to the well.

Every part of me hurt.  I’d have bruises on top of bruises where they’d pounded every inch of me.  I staggered out the door.  A spasm of pain jarred through me when I stopped in my tracks — the cattle I’d brought back only hours before lay dead.  Punish me, sure, but why kill poor dumb animals? 

Oh God, the others!  I dropped the bowl and stumbled to the fence.  The rough wood of the rail digs into my palm.  I scanned the field and spotted the horses, cow, and calf at the bottom of the pasture, safe and sound.  My knees gave out.  I lowered myself to the ground and flopped my head back against the post.  I tasted the dirt they’d ground into my face.  Casper got his way.  I’d learned a valuable lesson, but humiliation’s a hard pill to swallow.  No man likes to know he’s behaved like a fool over a woman. 

Thoughts of Helen rushed me.  I doubled over.  Emotions twisted my chest into an agony worse than the damaged ribs.  I’d betrayed everyone and everything for a pretty face.  Helen was right.  Stupid didn’t even begin to cover it.  I’d thrown my whole life away, and now it’s too late. 

Laying there, the memories of the past weeks rose up to taunt me.  Why did I let it happen?

*****

CHAPTER TWO

Joe

Why do life-changing events occur when you least expect them?  It was just another supply run, and I waited outside for Hoss to pay.  While he gabbed with the storekeeper, I passed the time checking out the ladies who were enticing customers in at the saloon down the street.  Their skirts hitched high enough to display their ankles and get my eighteen-year-old pulse racing.  Even so, the passing coach caught my attention.  It wasn’t a public one but a fancy private vehicle.  The sculpted muscular lines of the four matching bays pulling it called to me.  I wandered over. 

I didn’t take much notice of the occupants until she appeared.  A small hand in a lavender glove first, then a slim foot encased in brown boots.  The elegant traveling outfit fitted her in the right places.  I crossed my arms and whistled at the view. 

Thanks to her hat, I couldn’t see her face until she turned.  The loveliness hit me like a punch.  Adam talked in his highfalutin way about Venus and other beauties, but none came close to this fairy goddess.  I stared, mouth open, watching her float into the hotel on her father’s arm, and whistled again.  That’s one gal I’d like to meet.  I could start by finding out their names.  A hand on my shoulder interrupted my mission.

“Will you come on?  I like to get home before supper.  What’re you doing anyways?”

“Just admiring the horses.”

Hoss grunted and turned away.  Abandoning my intention to pry the name of his new guests out of the International’s concierge, I followed.  I wondered why I didn’t tell Hoss about the girl.  I told him everything, but this time I tucked the knowledge and image of her beauty away to savor alone.

*****

CHAPTER THREE

The manager of The International made it his business to bow Miles Casper into the best suite they had to offer.  Once sure his guest was satisfied, he withdrew, leaving the man to enjoy the opulence of his surroundings.

The young woman discarded her traveling coat and sank gracefully onto the settee.

Casper smiled at her and asked, “A glass of champagne, my love?”

Receiving a nod, he glanced at the man who’d entered with them.  He needn’t have bothered.  His efficient secretary was already dispensing the wine.  Miles made himself comfortable on the sofa beside the lady.

Accepting the glass of wine, she yawned.  “So this is Virginia City.  What a loud, vulgar place.”

“Yes, but it’s built on a mountain of silver, which makes it very attractive.”

They had just finished the wine when a knock took his secretary across the room to answer the door. 

Casper smiled.  “That will be Evans with his report.”  

The lady glided up.  “I’ll leave you men to your business.  Consuela should have my bath ready by now.”

Catching her hand, Casper kissed it and watched her retreat to the bedroom with admiring eyes before adjusting his focus to the matters at hand.

She’d shed her traveling dress in favor of an elegant gown of rich royal blue silk and let down her brown tresses by the time she returned.  The visitor and secretary had gone.

“So, who is it to be?” she asked.

“Joseph.  Adam was my initial target, but Evan’s report had me rethink.  He’s too old.  Little Joe, however, is the youngest.  A hot-head.  Impulsive and romantic.  Plus, Ben Cartwright would move heaven and earth to protect the boy.”

“How old is he?”

“Eighteen.”

“Oh, Lord!  Not another inexperienced fumbler?  I hope he’s at least good-looking?”

“Does it matter?”  A frown disturbed Casper’s features.  His fingers caught her chin.  He let them slide down to encompass her slim neck.  “I let you do this because you enjoy yourself, but let’s not go too far.”

She laughed and moved his hand.  “Of course not.  But the last one was such an ugly toad.  Besides, it’s more of a challenge if they’re attractive.”

“Then you’re in luck.  Joseph is both experienced and handsome.”

The lady lifted an eyebrow.  “This might be fun after all.  Tell me more.”

*****

Chapter Four

Joe

My mind was still on the mysterious angel at breakfast the next day, and I paid scant attention to Pa going on about the visitor due for dinner.  A new mine owner who’s interested in buying timber.  Miles Casper’s a big wheel with his fingers in lots of pies and more money than Midas. 

“So be on time.  I want to make a good impression.  You hear me, Joseph.”

My sixth sense for danger kicked me alert at the use of my full name.  I dazzled Pa with a smile.  “Sure.  No problem.”

*****

Gathered in front of the fireplace, washed, primped, and preened, we awaited our guest.  I tried not to let my anticipation of a dull evening ahead show.  I give Hoss a wink at Pa’s fussing over the dining table.  When we heard the buggy, we moved across the great room to greet our guests. 

My smile doubled in size when the enchantress materialized, gliding in on her father’s arm.  I tried to contain the eagerness exploding inside me, but when Pa introduced us and her gaze fell on me, everyone else in the room faded away. 

I shook Casper’s hand.  I was paying him no attention until he squeezed so tight I almost yelped.  When I met his eyes, the challenge in them was unmistakable.  It was all I could do not to massage my mangled fingers once he let go.  What was with this guy?  Was that his idea of one-upmanship?  His smile mocked me.  Misgiving crawled up my spine.  Something felt out of place. 

“May I introduce my wife, Helen.”

The shock glazed the smile to my face.  He may as well have ripped out my heart and stomped on it.

Unaware of my distress, Pa asked, “We’re very pleased to meet you, Mrs. Casper.  Have you been married long?”

“Four years,” Casper replied for her.

Four years, good lord!  She looked younger than me.  The idea of this lovely creature married to a man almost Pa’s age made me shudder.  It wasn’t unusual for girls to marry at fifteen.  In the Utah territory, they could marry even earlier.  But the knowledge she was forever out of reach crushed something so incredible it had me drawing a breath to suppress the sudden pain in my chest.

*****

Somehow, I made it through dinner.  Pa’s gaze flicked my way a few times, and since I didn’t need an inquisition later about why I was so quiet, I pulled myself together and joined the conversation.

We transferred to the seating around the fireplace.  I got to pass a brandy to Mrs. Casper (God, that title stuck in my throat).  When her fingers brushed my hand, a jolt hit me so hard I almost dropped the glass. 

I retreated to my seat on the fireplace, trying to understand what had happened.  That touch was no accident.  I glanced her way.  She saw me looking, and the sweetest, shyest smile fluttered in response.  My heart reduced to a puddle at her feet.  The thought, ‘She’s married,’ smashed my brain, and I adjusted my collar in the rising heat, forcing myself to focus on the conversation.

“The silver mine’s my latest acquisition.  It needs more attention than I realized and will keep me busy over the next few weeks.  Not much fun for you, my dear,” Casper added, patting the divine Helen’s knee.

I swallowed hard as I imagined her abandoned, alone, and forlorn in her hotel room, like a beauty from a fairytale locked at the top of a castle turret. 

“I have an idea, Ben.  Would one of your sons show Helen around?  I’m told the countryside here is a feast for any artist, and Helen loves to sketch.”

“Of course, they’d be happy to entertain Mrs. Casper if she’d like.”

My heart stopped when those lavender eyes turned toward me.  The soft bow of a mouth curved into a luscious smile, and she lisped the words, “What about you, Little Joe?”

I stammered over my reply.  Cursing myself, I took a breath so I could carry on,  “What I mean is, I would be delighted.”

The gleam in her eyes sent me to heaven.

I tossed and turned all night like a kid on Christmas Eve.  Before the excitement could climb out of control, I reminded myself Helen was a married woman.  But, heck, what harm could it do to look?

*****

CHAPTER FIVE

The following two days were a haze.  We soon lost the formality.  I asked her to drop the Mr. Cartwright, and she returned the favor.  Soon we’re chatting and laughing like old friends. 

I showed Helen the best views.  I’m only interested in one, and I was more than content to lie on my stomach chewing on grass stalks while I admired her.  I loved watching Helen.  The way the sun caught and lit her chestnut hair with auburn streaks of fire.  The way she pouted those full, pink lips when she couldn’t quite capture what she was trying to draw.  The way her dress dipped at her chest, just enough to give a teasing glimpse of what lay beneath.  I enjoyed her like a thirsty man taking a cold drink of water and dreamed she was my girl.

Those dreams took on a different hue at night.  I’d wake, soaked in sweat, still caught in the eroticism.  Guilt prodded me, but I pushed it aside.  Dreams can’t do any harm.  But they can linger. I’m still caught in their enticing web at breakfast, enraptured by the fantasy of her yielding body against mine and those lips-

“You all right?”  I started at Pa’s words spilling my coffee.  Pa frowned while I dabbed up the mess.  “You’ve been distracted all through breakfast.  Is something wrong?”

“No, Sir.  Sorry.  I’m just deciding where to take Helen.”

“Helen?”

“Yeah.  Mrs. Casper’s asked me to call her Helen.”

“I see.  Well, all right, but you remember, she’s a married woman.  Mind your manners.”

I smiled, but a shiver crossed my heart.  “Sure, Pa, always.

*****

Helen sketched, and I stared at the vista.  The tall pines stretched away as far as the eye could see to the snow-capped mountains in the distance.  My gaze soon returned to her, and I smiled at the slight furrow in her brow and the way she bit the tip of her lip when she wrestled with a tricky part of her drawing.  Goddammit!  How could God have played me such a dirty trick?  Bringing me the woman of my dreams, but have her married?  I shred a handful of grass.  It’s true what they say.  Life could be a bitch. 

I couldn’t stand it anymore.  Pushing upright, I brushed the dirt from my butt.  “We’d better be going.”

My head swam when those eyes gazed at me.  “So soon?”

Feeling guilty, I flushed.  Being around her was becoming unbearable.  “We’ve got a long way to go.”

She tucked her sketchbook and pencil back in the bag and stood.  When she stumbled on the slope, I leaped forward and caught her. Our eyes locked.  She tilted her head and offered her lips as if she knew my dreams.  My heart began to race.  Inches from mine, her enticing mouth made it easy.  The kiss set off an explosion in my brain, but a glimmer of common sense doused the sparks.  I broke away and stepped back.

“I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Don’t apologize.  I wanted you to kiss me.”

I’m rooted to the spot.  Does she feel the same?  So what?  She’s married.

She took a step toward me.  “Little Joe.”

I jolted away, and she halted.  For a moment, she stared at me.  Then she turned away and returned to the buggy.  We don’t talk on the ride back.  The guilt of the kiss weighed on me.  Not because it was wrong, but because I enjoyed it so much.  Thoughts of kissing her again stirred me in a way I knew was sinful.  My dreams don’t feel so innocent anymore.

I pulled up in front of the hotel, but her hand moved to my thigh before I could jump down. 

“Please forgive me.” 

Those large eyes beseeched and melted my heart.  It took every ounce of restraint I had not to take her in my arms. 

“It’s fine,” I managed.

Her slender fingers squeezed around my leg.  I hastened to climb out before I reacted to the touch or whipped up the horse to take us somewhere we could be alone.  I helped her down. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Sure,” I told her.

Her hand lingered in mine a moment longer than it should before she left me standing alone.

****

Despite what I’d said, I knew I needed to stay away from Helen, for both our sakes.  I’d no right to think of her in any other way than married.  But her kiss and hand on my thigh taunted my senses.  Damn!  I adjusted my pants and forced myself to think of something else.  This had to stop.

After supper, Hoss and I launched into a game of chess.  I timed my moment to raise my suggestion.  “Pa.  D’you think Adam or Hoss could step in and escort Mrs. Casper?”

“Why?”

I shrugged with an air of disinterest.  “I feel bad I’ve missed so many chores, and there’s that string of horses to break- ”

Adam cuts in, “It might surprise you to know I’m more than capable of handling the job.  I was breaking horses before you were in trousers, remember?”

I ignored him and pressed my plea.  “I just think there are more important things I could be doing.”

Hoss laughed.  “I never thought I’d see the day you didn’t want to spend time with a pretty gal.”

“Mrs. Casper is a married woman.”  Pa’s reprove was mild but clear. 

“Oh, sure.  Sorry. Just funning.”

“Let’s not fun about such things.” 

I kept my head down, grateful Pa’s attention was on Hoss and not me and my tell-tale flush.  If Pa disapproved of Hoss’s mild joke, what would he do if he found out I’d kissed her?

Adam continued his objections.  “He’s already delayed signing our contract because of other matters.  We don’t need him distracted by having to entertain his wife.  Sorry if the task’s boring you, but you’ll have to grin and bear it.”

I shot Adam a black look before turning back to Pa.  “I’d really like to swap.”

“Has something happened between you and Mrs. Casper?”

The direct question startles me.  I yelp, “No, Sir.”

“Good.  Adam’s right.  Keeping Mrs. Casper entertained is a great help.  Besides, she asked you personally.  To suddenly stop might offend.”  Pa smiled and pointed his pipe at me, “You keep on.  You’re doing a fine job.”

My heart sank.  I returned the smile with a feeble one of my own.  I’d blown my chance to come clean.  Adam smirked like the proverbial cat who got the cream.  Little did we know the repercussions that overriding my request would bring.

*****

CHAPTER SIX

“What would you like to do today?” I asked when I helped Helen into the buggy.  I’d spent the night setting myself straight, and I’m confident I’m back in control.

“Anywhere is fine.”  

What a joke my thoughts of being in control were. The drive was torture.  I’m aware of every part of her next to me.  The rise and fall of her chest, the way she licked her lips, and her knee or arm brushing mine at bumps in the road.  I closed my eyes and prayed for strength. 

We arrived at a bluff overlooking the lake.  I picked it because of the view, not because it wasn’t secluded.  I helped her out and set her feather-light frame down. Inches from me, her presence is overwhelming.  Long fingers dug into my flesh. 

“Oh, Little Joe.  I know it’s wrong, but I can’t stop thinking about you.   Please say you feel the same.”

My heart bursts with joy.  I pulled her into an embrace.  “I never dreamed I’d find someone like you.”

I took the lips she offered, devouring them with my own.  I should walk away.  No, run!  But I don’t.  Instead, I’m everything Adam says I am.  The dumb-ass kid who lets his emotions ride his common sense, but for that one bliss-filled moment, I don’t care about decency, her marriage, or her husband.

Her whispered words thrilled but broke my heart.  “I wish I’d met you first.”

It was a day as innocent as it was wrong.  The meadow grass around us smelled sweet while we sat on the blanket and talked.  The happiness of having her next to me, holding her, made me giddy.  We did no more than kiss and cuddle, although Helen’s lips against my ear whispered her desire to become one.  But a sacred vow before God binds her.  I won’t compromise her completely.

Taking her back to Casper was Hell.  I watched her walk inside like a man going to the gallows, seeing his loved ones for the last time.

*****

I trembled during the drive home.  I’d done the unthinkable.  Coveted and kissed another man’s wife and became a dirty sinner.  The kind my family despised. The kind who burned in Hell.  My hands began to shake when I neared home.  Sin like this couldn’t be hidden.  I might as well have it carved across my forehead.  Pa, everyone, would know what I’d done the moment I walked through the door. 

Except they don’t. 

Nobody pointed an accusing finger.  No one screamed, “Sinner.”  Nothing changed.  Except everything had.  What the hell am I doing?  Where was this going to end?

*****

CHAPTER SEVEN

Hoss

“You all right?”

Little brother jumped, and I mean jumped.  I walked into the barn to see him standing there, staring at the harness like he didn’t know what to do with it. But I hadn’t meant to scare him.  

“Gosh, darn it, Hoss!  You trying to give a fella a heart attack creeping up on him like that?”

“I weren’t creeping.  You were wool-gathering.”  I chuckled at the look he flung me.  Good job it wasn’t his fist.  “What you thinking about anyways?”

“Nuthin’.”

I frowned when I noticed the dark circles under his eyes.  Joe hasn’t been doing much lately except escorting Mrs. Casper, so I wondered why he looked so wrung out.  “You feeling okay?”

“What?  Course I am!”

“Just asking.  No need to take my head off.”

“Sorry.”

I grinned.  How does Little Joe always look like a kicked pup when he apologizes, making you feel guilty for taking him to task in the first place?

“Lemme help with that.”

The frown returned as I watched him drive out.  I hoped he wasn’t getting into another scrape.  What that could be, I’d no idea.  I shrugged it off and went to work.

*****

Joe

“I love you so much,” Helen whispered.

Her hand rested on my cheek before it curved around my neck, pulling me down to meet her soft lips.  I don’t resist.  Instead, I let the excitement pulse through me.  I’m losing myself.  There were no yesterday’s or tomorrows, just today and Helen.  My day lit up when I saw her and darkened when I watched her walk back to her husband.  Life was meaningless until we were together, and the longing was almost unbearable.  My desire was becoming too much.  I fought the urge to take our fondling to its ultimate conclusion and broke away. 

“We shouldn’t do this.”

“Is it so wrong for me to want you?”  Her fingers tightened, holding me there.  “Don’t hate me for that.”

“I don’t.”  She pressed her lips into my neck.  They left a hot trail of passion when they made their way to mine.  This time I didn’t stop.  Her mouth opened, and my tongue answered the invitation.  Her lithe body entwined against mine, exciting every part of me.  When her hand caressed my swelling groin, I groaned.  “We have to stop.”

Her nails dug into my arms.  “No!  Don’t stop!”

Startled, I pushed away.  For a moment, I saw someone else before me.  Could I be wrong about Helen?  Was this some kind of game to her?  The look vanished.  She turned away to pull up her chemise and began to hook up her corset.  “I thought you loved me.”

“I do.  That’s why we can’t … I won’t do that to you.  I have that much decency left in me.”

“If I don’t care, why should you?”

Goddam!  She made it hard.  Did I want Helen?  Damn right, I did.  Every night, I gave in to her urging.  Tore the clothes from her body and sank deep inside her.  It was glorious, powerful, even savage.  But it was only in my dreams.  I grabbed my shirt and stood, holding my hand out to help her up.  “Yes, you do.  C’mon.  Let’s get you back.”

*****

Sweeping into the bedroom, Helen tore the expensive Parisian creation from her head and hurled it to the floor.  From his seat, her husband watched her display of temper.   “Something troubling you?”

“Joseph Cartwright!  I thought I had him, but Sir Galahad held me off again!”  Dropping onto the bed, she grabbed a pillow to cover her face and let rip a scream while drumming her heels.  Finished venting her spleen, she tossed the pillow aside and complained, “All he can do is talk about not besmirching my honor.” 

“How tedious.  I’ve no wish to press you, my love, but I do need that timber.”

“Anyone else would have given in by now.  I could slap him and his wretched honor.  I suppose we should have known.  After all, he wanted to marry that whore of his.”

Miles moved to the bed and joined his wife.  “The late Miss Bulette knew what she was doing.”

“And so do I!  He’s completely in love with me, you know.”

“Naturally.”

“Damn him!  So stuffed full of ideals.”  Falling silent, Miles watched his wife.  After a moment, she bit the tip of her fingernail.  He recognized the familiar move and smiled.  Almost to herself, Helen continued, “Yes … stuffed full of romantic notions and a kind heart.  All he wants is to protect me.”

“I believe a plan is forming.”

“I always find a way.”

“And that is why I love you.”

“I know just how to break our dear Little Joe, and the best part is we can have some fun in preparation.”  Helen hoisted up her skirts and rolled over to straddle Casper.  Leaning down, she kissed her husband before adding, “And Miles, make it rough.”

“Just the way you like it.”

She giggled.  “You know me so well.”

*****

Chapter Eight

Joe

Despite every sinew and thought being focused on Helen, the tension in the house finally broke through my obsession.  When Hoss missed another chance to take my piece, I looked up from the checkerboard.  Adam stared at the book he wasn’t reading, and Pa gazed into his brandy glass.

“What’s going on?  You all look like you’ve lost a fortune and found a dime.”

Lifting out of his lethargy, Pa grimaced.  “Sorry.  It’s this timber deal.”

“What about it?”

Adam replied, “Casper still hasn’t signed.” 

My heartbeat quickened.  “Do you know why?”

Pa put his hand up in a placating gesture.  “He’ll sign.  He’s just busy right now.”

“You know how much we need this.”  Adam ran a hand through his hair.  “It’s my fault.  If I hadn’t suggested building the mill and taking out that loan.”

“It was sound thinking, and I agreed with you,” Pa told him.

I forced myself to ask, “What if he doesn’t sign?”

The appalled look on their faces destroyed my happiness like blight. 

“Why would he do that?”

I looked at Hoss.  “I don’t know.  I’m just asking.”

“Of course, he’ll sign,” Pa assured us.

“He’d better,” Adam retorted. 

“How much trouble would we be in?”

“Nothing we can’t handle.”

“C’mon, Pa.  How much?”

Pa flicked a look at Adam.  He knew Older Brother would blame himself for any cutbacks.  “We’d have to tighten our belts for a while.  Put off the improvements we planned and buying the new breeding stock.  We’ll get through it.  Even if Casper doesn’t sign, we’ll be all right.  But he will.”

Sleep proved elusive.  My family’s words shattered my idyll.  I’d not just been a fool.  I’d been a selfish fool.  I’d taken advantage of Helen’s feelings and risked damaging my home.  Worse, my resistance to Helen’s urging was breaking down.  Something had to give.

*****

To say what I had to, I needed distance.  I stood away from her.  I’d reached my decision and didn’t want to drag this out and hurt Helen any longer.  The breeze brought her perfume to me.  The intoxication of the scent filled my senses, making me giddy.

“We have to stop seeing each other.  I’m sorry.  It’s my fault.  I was wrong.  I should never have come between you and your marriage.”

“Is that what you think?  Joe, my marriage was destroyed on my wedding day.  He never loved me.  To him, I’m a trophy.  He owns me, controls me.  He tells me where to go, what to do, say, wear, and if I fall short of his standards ….”

Her words trailed off, but I had to know where they were going.  “What?”

“He beats me.”

Shock rooted me to the spot driving every other thought away.  “He hurts you?”

“When I disappoint him.  Yes.”  The idea appalled me.  How could she disappoint anyone?  “It’s better on business trips.  He curbs himself since he doesn’t want anyone to see the bruises, but last night I upset him.”

She pulled up her sleeve.  The ugly, vivid marks stood out stark against her milky white skin.  Everything else went out of my mind.  I rushed to her side.  On my knees, I took her arm and caressed the bruises with my fingertips. 

“I’d like to beat his brains out.”

“This is nothing compared to- ”  She broke off and averted her head. 

“Tell me.”

“I can’t.” 

Her tears removed none of her beauty.  She took my breath away.  But I had to know everything.  I begged, “Please.”

“A year ago, I fell pregnant.  It made me so happy.  But Miles didn’t feel the same.  He seemed almost angry about the pregnancy.”  When she faltered, I wrapped my hands around hers and tried to give her the strength to carry on.  “I did something stupid.  Miles flew into a rage.  He beat me … and … I lost my baby.  Oh, Joe, my baby!”

I pulled her close, holding tight while the sobs quivered through her.  The suffering she’d endured horrified me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted you to love me for me, not out of pity.”

Her bravery shamed me.  I felt like an ass, getting cold feet because of a contract.  Money counted for nothing compared to what we felt for each other.

“You have to leave him.”

“How can I?  I have no means of my own.”

“Be my wife.  Marry me.”

“No!”  She pulled away.  “I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.  You’re saying this because you’re feeling sorry for me.  You don’t mean it.”

“Of course I do!  I love you.”

“Prove it.”

It was a challenge and a demand.  To answer it would mean stepping across that line into the place I swore I’d never go.  But I wanted her.  The blood pounding in my veins sparked every nerve until they sang and vibrated with my desire.  “If we do this ….”

“I’ll know you’ll never leave me.”

That was all I needed.  She’d be mine today and always.

*****

Sweeping the stray hairs away from Helen’s face, I gazed into her beautiful eyes.

“Pa’s gonna love you.  When we get home- ”

“I have to go back first.”

“No.  He’s never going to lay a finger on you again.”

Helen sat up, and I followed.  “I have things I need to get that belonged to my mother.”

“We’ll fetch them later.”

“I can’t.  You don’t know Miles.  He’ll destroy them just to spite me.  I have to get them.  I’ll be all right.”

The idea of her spending another night with that brute made me sick, but I understood her feelings.  Besides, this gave me the chance to talk to Pa.

“Tomorrow then, and don’t worry, I’ll explain everything to Pa.”

“No!  You can’t tell him anything.  I told you because I trust you.  No one else can ever know.  I couldn’t bear the way they’d look at me.  I can’t face them like that.  If you tell, I won’t leave.  Promise me you won’t tell, Joe.  Promise!” 

I didn’t understand, but I couldn’t deny her anything.  Helen wrapped herself around me.  I held her close.  Her skin against mine felt soft and cool. 

“You won’t tell anyone what we’re planning, will you?  They’d never understand and only try to stop us.”

“I won’t let that happen.”

She sighed and murmured, “I trust you.”

The words sent a chill through me.  I felt all the weight of their responsibility and the guilt because I hadn’t agreed to stay silent.  I needed to face up to my actions, and that meant talking to Pa.

*****

Chapter Nine

Buck stood alone in his stall.  Luck was on my side.

I found Pa at his desk and gripped the back of the chair in front of it for support.  If only I could have relieved the weight on my soul as easily.  Pa looked up and waited for me to start.

“I need to talk to you.”

He laid down his pencil and closed the ledger to give me his full attention.  Pa was great like that.  I slipped into the chair.  But, now I was there, I didn’t know how to start.

Almost as if reading my thoughts, he told me, “Just start at the beginning.”

I smiled despite my anxiety.  “It’s about Helen.”

“Oh?”

“She and I have gotten close, gotten to know each other.”  Pa tensed but held back and let me continue.  “Her marriage isn’t a happy one.”

“She told you that?”

“Like I said, we’ve gotten close.”

“I see.”  Hearing the hint of accusation in his words, I licked my lips.  This was harder than I’d ever imagined.  Seeing my turmoil, Pa softened and urged me, “Go on.”

“There’s no easy way to say it except straight out.  I’m in love with her.”

“What?  Joe, look.  I understand, she’s a pretty girl, but whatever feelings you think you have- ”

“We love each other.”

“Joseph.  You can’t.  She’s married.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Of course, it matters!  I didn’t bring you up to get involved with a married woman.”

“We didn’t want this.  It just happened.  Besides her husband- ”  I snapped my mouth shut, remembering my promise.

“What about her husband?”

I wanted to tell him what a monster Casper was and how he’d made Helen suffer.  But I couldn’t.  I jumped up, clutched the back of the chair, and leaned toward Pa, willing him to understand.  “He doesn’t matter.  Pa, trust me- ”

“Her husband matters a great deal.  And as for trusting you?  I trusted you to behave like a gentleman.”

I winced, but before I could reply, the front door opened.  Damn!  Adam and Hoss were back.

Seeing us, Adam tossed his hat on the credenza and asked.  “What’s wrong?”

“Your brother thinks he’s in love with Helen Casper.”

“You can’t be serious?”

“Stay out of this, Adam.”

Of course, he ignored me.  “This could ruin our deal.”

“We love each other.  That’s more important.”

Adam rolled his eyes and flourished his arms in a gesture of disgust, but it was Hoss who shook me when he gasped in horror, “Little Joe.  You can’t mean it.  She’s a married lady.”

“He won’t be seeing her again.”

My head snapped back around to Pa.  Why did we have to go through this again?  “You can’t stop me.”

“If I don’t, her husband will.”

I reeled from the words.  Was Pa threatening to tell Casper?  Could he betray me that way?  I looked from Pa to Adam and Hoss.  Helen was right.  I should’ve kept my mouth shut.  I fought down panic and bought myself time. 

“Okay.  Have it your way.”  I’d never lied to Pa, but I lied through my teeth now, right to his face.  “I’ll tell her tomorrow.”

“I don’t think- ” Adam began, but Pa cut him off.

“No.  It’s all right.  He can be the one to tell her.”  When he turned back to me, the relief on his face was horrible.  “You’re doing the right thing.  Best to end it before things go too far.”

‘It’s too late for that,’ was what I should’ve said.  Instead, I’m every bit the coward.  A scared kid who wanted to hold on to his father’s belief he was still a decent man for a little longer.

*****

I went to my room and excused myself from dinner.  Pa didn’t object or try to talk me down, which was okay by me.  I needed the space to think.

The look on Pa’s face haunted me.  I know now how disappointed he’ll be when he finds out the truth.  I slam my fist into the other.  How could Pa, all of them, have behaved like that?  Dismissed our feelings like we were stupid kids?  Helen and I shouldn’t have fallen for each other, but love like ours couldn’t be wrong.  My angry thoughts shoved aside any regret. 

Throwing myself on the bed, I sucked in long breaths and laced my fingers tight behind my head. My family always supported me.  Once they saw how much Helen and I loved each other, they’d come around.

*****

The champagne spilled over the glass, and Helen laughed to see it slop onto the bedsheets.

“To your success, my love.  I never doubted you for a moment.”

Helen clinked her glass against her husband’s to acknowledge the compliment. 

“Consuela has packed my bags all ready for the morning.”  When she saw her husband’s surprised look, Helen shrugged.  “I have to make it look good.”

“Of course, and so will I.  My entrance as the enraged husband will be the best yet.”

Giggling, Helen kissed him.  “I can’t wait.”

*****

CHAPTER TEN

Joe

After a hellish night, I took off for Virginia City before anyone else was up and around.  I didn’t stop to eat.  I couldn’t have kept food down anyway.

I was early.  I pulled the buggy out of sight behind the hotel and paced the boardwalk until I saw Miles Casper and his secretary leave.  Then I dived up the back stairs to his suite.  Tapping on the door, I prayed Helen answered.  When she did, the relief made my voice wobble.  “Ready?”

“Yes.”

Luck stayed with us.  We reached the buggy without seeing a soul we knew.  I tossed the bags in the back, helped her up, and shook up the horse. 

*****

Pa came out of the house.  I steadied my breathing.  Side by side, we crossed the distance to him.

“Pa, Helen’s left her husband.  We’re going to be married.”

I looked for the softening in those dark eyes, the hint of a smile.  None comes.  Instead, what crossed Pa’s face chilled my soul.

“You lied to me.”

He left us on the porch and walked back into the house, not caring whether we followed him.

I tightened my grip on Helen’s luggage.  Placing a hand under her elbow, I smiled.  “It’ll be all right.”

Hoss looked shocked, and anger radiated off Adam.  But both held back while Helen was there.  Pa returned to his chair and stared into the fireplace.

“Shall I take Helen up to one of the guest rooms?”  No one said anything.  “Okay, I’ll do that,” I blurted into the silence.

I tried not to sound dejected as I placed her bags on the bed.  “We’ll win them around, don’t worry.”

Whatever happened next, nothing was more important than her.  I whispered reassurances before leaving to return to the lion’s den.

Pa stood before the fireplace, one arm resting on the mantle.  To my surprise, Adam and Hoss are nowhere in sight.  I waited for the storm to break.

His words were so soft I strained to hear them.  “You broke your word.”

“I had no choice.”

“There’s always a choice.  You chose to lie and bring a married woman into my house.”

He turned to me.  Dear God!  I wanted to scream, ‘I’m sorry.’  Tell him I didn’t mean it, anything to take that look off his face.  But I’m a man, and men fought for what they wanted. 

“I can explain.”

“No.  You can’t!”  At last, he exploded.  I was almost grateful.  “You can never explain how it’s all right to abscond with another man’s wife.  His wife, Joseph.”

“We love each other.  We want to get married.”

“She’s already married!  Love doesn’t give you the right to take a wife from her husband.  Or to lie.”

“I had to!  You threatened to tell Casper.”  I sucked in a breath and calmed myself.  Shouting wasn’t helping.  “If you just give me a chance to explain about Helen and me.”

“You can go.”

“Pa!”

“Joseph!  I won’t discuss it now.  Go take care of … Helen.  We’re done.”

His last words hacked away the roots of my soul.  I retreated up the stairs.  I couldn’t go back to Helen.  I needed time alone to think. 

I dropped on the edge of my bed and ran my fingers through my hair.  That look on Pa’s face.  God!  My hands formed fists as I clutched the base of my skull and curled forward over my knees.  My chest heaved, trying to drag in enough air to keep breathing.  It would be okay.  Pa would come around.  He had to because there was no turning back.

*****

My door burst open.  Startled, I look up into Adam’s angry eyes.

“What the hell did you do?”

“None of your business.”

“I’m making it my business.  Don’t you get it?  We’ll lose that contract and more because you can’t keep it in your pants.”

I squared up to my brother.  “We love each other.”

A bark of laughter greeted my defiance.  “And you think that’s a good enough reason to destroy a marriage, ruin reputations?”

“We don’t care what people think.”

“Of course you wouldn’t!  But what about Pa?  What will it do to him when this gets out?”

“This has nothing to do with Pa.”

“Grow up!  You’re a Cartwright.  Our name means something.  Or it did.  You’ve destroyed that. And for what?  So you could play the knight errant to some ninny who weeps all over you?”

“Don’t push me, Adam!”

He runs a hand over his mouth.  I frowned, seeing it shake.  “You have to send her back.”

What kind of man did he think I was?  “No.”

“I gave you a chance.  Helen’s going back whether you take her or I do.”

I lunged and caught hold of his shoulder.  “You can’t!”

Adam slammed me back against the wall.  On his face was a depth of contempt I’d never seen before.

“You may not care about what happens to this family, but I do.”

“If Casper finds out- ”

“I’m not going to tell him, although I’m tempted.  He spends the day at the mine.  There’s plenty of time to get her back.  He’ll never know unless she’s stupid enough to say something.”  Adam pushes me tighter into the wall.  “You or me?  Make up your mind.”

The door closed, leaving me still pressed against the wall.  How could my brother do this?  I couldn’t, wouldn’t, be parted from Helen.  I’d rather die. 

Desperation brought the solution.  I leaped to my desk and tore open the drawer emptying the contents until I found the document I tossed there a couple of months ago.  A deed to a small property in California staked in a poker game.  At the time, I hadn’t given it any attention.  Now, it seemed more valuable than the entire Comstock.

****

Helen stood when I slipped into the room.

In a hushed tone, I told her, “Change of plan.  We’re leaving.”

“What?”

“Adam’s going to take you back.  We gotta leave.  Now.”

“But I need to be here with you.”

Pulling her to me, I hold tight. 

“I wanna be with you too, but it can’t be here.”  Helen’s silent and stiff in my arms.  Was this a step too far?  Would fear of leaving everything behind prove too much?  I wouldn’t give up and urged, “If we don’t go now, Adam will be back.”

“All right.” 

I closed my eyes from the relief that rushed through me.

We crept down the back stairs.  Helen waited while I circled to the front where the buggy stood.  Moving with stealth, I unhitched the horse from the post and led it back. 

I looked over my shoulder in time to see the house vanish out of sight.  Inside, I’m busting in two.  The part of me that loved Helen leaves.  The other remained with Pa and my brothers.  Would I ever see them again?

*****

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Hoss

We left Pa alone to talk with Little Joe, but he hadn’t said a word since we returned.  Seeing him wound so tight and quiet scared me.  Adam disappeared for a while, and the look on his face made me wonder what he’d been doing.

The big clock ticked the hours away while we sat around, wondering what the two people upstairs were doing and what we would do about them.  Pa looked more unhappy with every passing moment while Adam glanced at the stairs with impatience. 

We all jumped at the rap on the door.  When I opened it, my heart sank.  I stepped back to tell Pa who it was.  Before I got the chance, Miles Casper swept me aside and strutted into the middle of the room.

“Where are they?”  Pa pushed himself out of his chair to face the man.  “I know my wife’s here with your profligate son.  I’ve caught him red-handed.  Don’t deny it.”

“I’m not.  Hoss.  Go tell Little Joe and Mrs. Casper that her husband is here.”

I trod up the stairs.  This wasn’t a task I cared for, and by the time I closed the door of the second empty bedroom, I was even more unhappy.  What had my brother gone and done?

***

“Gone?  What do you mean they’ve gone?” Casper raved.

“Just that,” I replied. 

Pa’s soft words exploded into the room, “They’ve run off.” 

“Nonsense!  Don’t try and trick me.”

“If they’re not there, it can only mean they’ve left together.”

“My wife would never … your son’s a thief as well as a libertine.”

We wanted to defend Little Joe, but how could we?  Pa tried anyway, “They’re young and foolish.”

“Nonsense!  Your son’s a filthy seducer.”

“They’re in love,” Pa retorted, for the first time letting his temper show.

“My wife loves no one but me.  No one!” 

Pa took a breath and calmed down.  “We’ll find them and bring them home.  You have my word.”

“Under the circumstances, your word doesn’t mean a hell of a lot.”  Pa bowed his head.  But when Casper stepped closer, he drew up to meet him.  “You’ve no idea how sorry you will be.  Forget the timber contract.  I don’t do business with people I can’t trust.  When you find Helen, bring her straight to me.”

He left us staring at each other.

Adam stayed silent long enough for Casper to drive away.  “How could he be so stupid?  So selfish?”

Pa lowered himself into his chair.  I could see the strain on his face.

“Leave it,” I cautioned.

“Hoss, we’ve lost the contract, and this will be all over town by tomorrow.”

“Miles won’t say anything.  It’s his wife, remember.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“So, what if he talks?” I demanded.  “People gossip all the time.”

“With a man like Casper, it’ll be reported in the newspapers.  This will destroy our reputation across the territory, even beyond.”  Adam strode across the room.  “This is typical.  Why didn’t he stop seeing her?  Why let it go this far?”

“He tried, remember?”  Adam halted his pacing and glared at Pa.  “He asked for someone else to step in, and I told him to carry on.  If he’d confided in me … explained.”

I sat on the low table in front of Pa.  “You ain’t to blame.”

Adam added, “Hoss’s right.  There’s no one to blame except Little Joe.  He’s eighteen.  Old enough to think for himself.”

“C’mon, Adam, you know he weren’t thinking with his head.”

“We all know what part he was thinking with.”

“I meant he were thinking with his heart.”

“Give it up, Hoss.  He knew what he was doing.  Who knows what else his selfishness will cost us.” 

Much as I hated to admit it, Adam was right.  I glanced at Pa.  What damage had this done to him? 

“Shall I saddle the horses?” I asked.

“No.  Tomorrow will be soon enough.”

Adam flung a hand toward the door.  “They can’t be too far ahead.  We wait until tomorrow, and we could lose them.”

“They might change their minds.  Let’s give them that chance.

Adam ran a hand down his face.  I weren’t sure I agreed with Pa either, but I kept silent and prayed Joe would return.

*****

Lying in bed, the niggle at the base of my skull drove me up and took me to the top of the stairs.  I found Pa alone in his chair, hands clasped, staring into the empty fireplace.  His thoughts on Joe.  Just like mine. Dadburn you, Little Joe!  Bare feet took me down to stand in front of him.

“This ain’t your fault.”

“Who else’s is it?  He’s my son.  I thought I’d brought him up with values and morals.”

“Aw, you know you did.”

“How do I know after today?  He broke God’s commandment.  Lied to me.”  I could have cried at the look of failure on my father’s face.  If Little Joe had been there, I’d have given him a pounding he’d never forget.  “If I could only talk to him.”

“We’ll find them.  Don’t worry.”

*****

CHAPTER TWELVE

Joe

From the rented buggy, I gazed at the acreage around me.  “It’s suffered from being unattended, but the lands good.” 

Shaking up the horse, we continued around the bend.  I’d sold Pa’s buggy in Carson City, where we’d boarded the stage.  I’d tamped down the guilt.  We’d needed the money. 

Helen had laughed, thinking it a grand joke when I bought the stage tickets under assumed names.  I hid the fear that her husband or Pa would find us.  But we reached Blythe safe and sound, and I hired the buggy and got directions to the farm.

The trees gave way to a clearing.  To the left stood the cabin.  Its simple wooden structure weathered nut brown, lightened only by the mud daub between the logs.  The barn and corral were on the right, and behind the cabin, a small kitchen garden ran rampant next to the well. 

The interior of the cabin wasn’t up to much.  The kitchen was set back on one side of the fireplace.  The bed, dresser, and small wardrobe were spread along the back wall.  A table with chairs had been arranged in the middle of the room. 

Helen didn’t move from the doorway.  Her nose wrinkled.  “It’s so small and dirty.”

I bit my lip.  Her elegance looked out of place in this dusty little cabin.  I joked, “We won’t have to go far to bed.”

Her eyes found mine, and I could see the reproach in them.  “You want me to sleep here?”

No question, I was the world’s biggest idiot!  “No.  I’m sorry.  I should’ve realized this place wouldn’t be fit to live in.  Wasn’t there a boarding house in town?”

“Yes.  It was down the street from the Fargo office.”

“You can stay there tonight.”

“And you’ll hire someone to clean?”

“No, Honey, we can’t afford help.”  Turning her to face me, I smiled.  “I’ll take you to town and come back.  I’ll have this place ready for you by tomorrow.”

Her doubtful gaze continued to roam the cabin, but she managed a smile.  “All right.” 

God, she was wonderful.

*****

The lady who owned the boarding house was friendly, kind, and formidable.  I had no qualms about leaving Helen in her care.  But Helen wasn’t so keen to let me go. 

“You don’t have to leave.  We could forget the farm and stay here?”

“The farm’s our future.”

“Oh, but Joe, this is our first time alone since we left.  I want you.”

I yearned for her too.  Her lips and hands began to test my resolve, and I had to gather every scrap to step away.

“It’s just one more night, and then we’ll have the rest of our lives together.”

Pouting, she crossed her arms and turned her back on me.  “Yes.  In that pokey little cabin.”

“I know it’s not much.  Once I get the farm going, I’ll build you a better house.  I promise.” 

“And what am I supposed to do here on my own?”

“Get some rest.  You need it after that journey.”  I kissed her cheek.  “Don’t be cross.  I love you.”

It hurt to leave her upset.  Had I dragged her to a world where she could never be happy?  I hoped not.

When I returned the buggy to the stables, I spotted the ‘For Sale’ notice for a buckboard and team.  After closing the sale, I headed for the mercantile.  I checked out the plows and seed, mulling over the idea of planting a late crop.  I pulled myself away.  Right now, I had to focus on our immediate needs. 

Laying my goods on the counter, I waited until the owner finished his conversation with another customer before asking, “D’you know where I can buy a milk cow?”

“If you’ve a mind to buy a cow, I could let you have one of mine.”

I turned to the other customer who’d spoken.  The mercantile owner added, “You could do a lot worse than buy one of Mrs. Fletcher’s cows.”

Smiling at the diminutive woman, I asked how much.  The lady tucked an escaped grey hair back under a bonnet that had seen better days.  Her twinkling brown eyes narrowed, and she put her hands on her hips to look me up and down the same way I’d sized up the horses.  My smile widened. 

“I ain’t looking for cash.  I have chores need doing ‘round my place.  If you’re agreeable, I’ll exchange the work for a cow.”

“Ma’am, sounds good.”

I got directions to the lady’s place and agreed I would go over in a couple of days.  Then I gathered my purchases and headed out to the cabin.

*****

It took all day and the best part of the next to get the cabin clean and tidy.  On my hands and knees scrubbing the rough wood floor and then the stove, I gained a new appreciation for Hop Sing.  I found plenty of hay in the barn loft and used some of that to re-stuff the mattress before making up the bed with the new sheets and blankets. 

I surveyed my handiwork.  Rubbing the back of my head, I grimaced.  It still didn’t look like much.  That kind of thinking wouldn’t do.  I focused on chopping kindling for the stove and replenishing the water barrel from the well.  For a final flourish, I arranged a few flowers in a jar and placed them on the table.  I’d done all I could.  I hoped it was enough.

*****

“What d’you think?”

“It looks fine.”

Helen’s lack of enthusiasm sat like a lead weight in my stomach.  “I’m sorry it’s so shabby.  I promise the new house will be better.”

Her musical laugh trilled.  “Oh silly, you don’t have to worry about building a new one.”

I’m happy Helen’s no longer upset, but her words puzzled me.  “I promised, didn’t I?”  I placed her bags next to the bed.  “While you unpack, I’ll go check the snares I put out this morning.  We might have a fat rabbit for supper.”

“Won’t we go back to town to eat?”

“Why would we do that?”

“We don’t have a cook.”

The breath I let out fluttered the hair on my forehead.  “No, love, we’ve got to cook for ourselves.”

Helen’s eyes widened.  She pointed to the stove.  “On that thing?”

“That’s right.”

“Joe.  I can’t cook.”

“You can’t?” I squeaked.

“I’ve always had a cook, so there was never a need.  You don’t mind, do you?”

“Course not.” I pushed down my disappointment.  Heck, she could always learn.

Slinking across the room, she winds her hands around my neck.  “At least we’re alone.”

Her lips found mine.  Stepping back, she smiled and tugged my shirt to draw me to the bed.  This time I found her lips before tipping us onto the mattress. 

*****

I opened my eyes to see Helen’s face.  A sleeping beauty out of a fairytale, my fairytale.  My stomach quivered from the thrill that ran through me.  I wanted to jump up, run outside, and scream to the world, “She’s mine.”  I chuckled at my foolishness and rolled onto my back.  The pre-dawn light softened the shadows allowing me to see our humble home.  We’d escaped her husband and found a place of our own.  We’re together, and everything will be fine.  Pa flitted into my consciousness to disrupt my contentment.  Now wasn’t the time to go there.  Right now was about mine and Helen’s future.  I turned back onto my side, grasping for the serenity of moments before.  My heart steadied when I gazed at Helen.  What else could I want but her? 

*****

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Hoss

Little Joe running out hit Pa hard.  He might have ridden out the shock easier if it had been Adam or me.  Being his youngest somehow hurt more. 

We rode to Carson, Genoa, Placerville, and China Town, looking for them.  When we turned up nothing there, Pa had Roy put out feelers to sheriffs further afield.  Still, we heard no news.  Then Miles Casper came calling again. 

We stood together on the porch while he swaggered toward us.  His secretary followed behind, clutching a black case under his arm.

Taking the brandy Pa offered, Casper settled deeper into the chair and asked, “You haven’t found them?”

“No.”

“Hmm … well, I’m sure they’ll turn up.” 

Casper’s a man I don’t rightly understand.  His wife had run off, but the anger was gone.  Instead, he seemed pleased, content even.  Leaning back, he crossed one leg over the other and smirked at Pa.  Adam and me pulled together to stand on either side of Pa’s chair.

“It can’t be easy, Ben.  Knowing your son’s an adulterer.  If this gets out, it won’t be good for you.”

“You haven’t come all this way to condole with me.”

“No.  I’ve reconsidered over the timber.”  Adam straightened up, and Pa sat forward.  This was the best news we’ve had in days.  “Only a poor businessman puts personal matters first.”

“I’m glad you feel that way.”

At a flick of Casper’s fingers, the efficient man standing behind him whipped out a document from the black briefcase and handed it to Pa.

“Of course, I’ve revised my offer to reflect the circumstances.”

I peered over Pa’s shoulder.  The price wasn’t a quarter of what the timber was worth. 

“I can’t accept this.”

“Refusal would be a mistake.  Sign, and I’ll ensure no one will hear about Joseph.  His debauchery will stay private.”

Adam had gone from straight to rigid.  “And if we don’t, you’ll see it gets out.”  

“You’d be exposed too.  Everyone would know your wife left you for my son.”

The smile on Casper’s face turned to a gloat.  “Ah, but I’d be the victim.  While you would be the father of a reprobate and fornicator.  Think about how that would harm the precious Cartwright reputation?”

Pa’s gaze dropped to the page again before looking at Adam.  My older brother was a man of strength and conviction.  Giving in to such tactics would be the last thing he’d want.  I’d never seen him look so beaten.  Giving a sharp nod, he moved to stand by the dining table with his back to us.  Shocked, I placed my hand on Pa’s shoulder and murmured, “You can’t ….”  My father looked up at me, and the protests died on my lips.

“Think of it as reparation for damages suffered,” Casper added.

My hands curled into fists.

Pa stood.  “My answer’s … no.”

Elation ran through me, but Adam gasped, “Pa!”

Pa ignored him and continued.  “I won’t be blackmailed.”

“I meant what I said.  It’ll ruin your reputation.”

“We’ll survive.”

Miles slithered out of his chair.  “My offer stays open for two days.  No longer.”

*****

Pa closed the door on our unwelcome guests and turned to face us.  “I mean it, we’ll survive.”

Adam stormed, “At what cost?  If he carries out his threat, it could spell ruin.”

“I’ve spent twenty-five years building the Cartwright name.  It can withstand this.”

“I hope so.  Just let me get my hands on Little Joe!  Did he even think about us?  No!  He was too busy climbing into bed with a married woman.”

“Stow it,” I told him when Pa turned grey.  “I don’t know about you, but I could do with a brandy.”

I handed out the glasses, and we settled around the fireplace in silence.

Adam turned the glass in his hands.  “If it wasn’t for the mill.”

“We’ve been through this.  No one’s to blame.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

Pa’s voice was mournful but carried a hint of reproach, “The loan isn’t Little Joe’s fault either, son.”

“You’re not excusing what he’s done?”

“No.  Once we find him and bring him home- ”

“Should we?” I interrupted.  Two startled gazes turned to me.  “What I mean is, they’re in love, ain’t they?  What they did ain’t right, but they’re not the first to do what they’ve done, an’ I doubt they’ll be the last.  Joe said Helen’s marriage weren’t a good one.  Maybe leaving Casper was for the best, and … what if they’re happy?  Do we have a right to come between them?  Sometimes good comes out of bad situations.  What if this is one of those times?”  I paused, letting my words sink in before I pressed on, “Joe brought her here because he wanted our help.”

“Help to keep a married woman from her husband,” Adam stated. 

Pa slumped in his chair.  “I should have let him explain.  Given him that chance.  Maybe then, he wouldn’t have run away.”

My eyes narrowed when I caught the guilty expression that crossed Adam’s face.  “What did you do?”

He shot me a grimace.  “Don’t blame yourself, Pa.  That may have been my fault.  I told him I’d take Helen back if he didn’t.”

My anger grew as I listened.  “After doing what he did, you thought he’d take her back because you told him to?  You know him better than that!”

“Hold on, Hoss.  Adam did what he thought was best.”  Pa sat forward and rested a hand on my knee.  “I understand what you’re saying about the two of them, but running away isn’t right either.  If what you say is true, we’ll deal with that later, but first, we need to find them before the situation becomes irretrievable.”

I glanced at Adam.  We both knew what Pa meant.  I gulped down my brandy and prayed we would.  If we didn’t, and there was a babe involved, what then?

*****

Chapter Fourteen

Casper was true to his word.  Every time we walked into a room, a conversation stopped, or we heard sniggers behind our backs.  Adam dented his fist on a few fella’s teeth who dared to make a smart remark to his face.  Pa didn’t say much.  There’s not much to say.  The damage was done.

Pa and Adam visited the bank manager to negotiate more time on the loan.  When they trudged through the door, the looks on their faces didn’t raise my hopes.  Still, I asked, “How did it go?”

“He gave us four more months.”

Puzzled by Pa’s grim tone, I queried, “That’s good, ain’t it?  We’ll be able to repay it after the drive.”

“Yes.  Excuse me.”

I watched Pa tread up the stairs and turned back to Adam.  “What happened?”

“We got a lecture on how the bank needs to uphold certain standards.  They still want our business, of course, but they might not be so generous in the future.”

“Dadburn nerve.  When he’s helped keep them open more than once.”

Adam raised a hand, then let it drop.  “I know.  None of that counts anymore.”

I shook my head, refusing to believe it could be true.  I began to see things another way come Sunday.

A silence fell on the congregation when we arrived.  We moved to seats, and I followed Pa’s lead and held my head high.  I caught the eye of a couple of friends, who nodded back, and a few who looked away.

The service was torment.  The dadblamed minister went on about the sins of the flesh and the evils of coveting another man’s wife ‘till I was sick to my stomach.  Pa might keep his gaze ahead when we walked out, but Adam and I fixed the minister with a look that conveyed our feelings and made the small man squirm.  It might not be Christian, but it sure felt good. 

Our friends came up and wished us good day to show support.  Their kindness filled me with gratitude.  But when I saw Mrs. Frost, the head of the Virginia City’s Women’s Committee, bustling over with her husband, I cringed. 

“Oh, Ben.  How awful this must be for you.  Your youngest too.  Such a tragedy.”

“Little Joe ain’t dead,” I bit at her.

Mrs. Frost talked over Pa when he began to reprimand me.  “I know that, but, after what he did … you poor man, I imagine you must feel it might have been better if ….”

She let the sentence trail off.  We gaped at her.  Pa drew himself up to look down at the busybody.

“My son may have acted with poor judgment, but I would never wish him dead.  Regardless of his actions.”

“Well!”  She hooked her husband’s arm.  “Come, Frederick, let’s go.”

The pair stalked away.  Pa lets out a breath like a dragon.  “That woman!”

*****

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Joe

I went over to the Widow Fletcher’s, or Harriet’s, as she insisted I called her.  I handled all the chores she wanted me to do in a couple of days and collected a fine milk cow.  She even threw in its little bull calf.

“Why don’t you hire help?” I asked while looping the rope tied to the cow around my horse’s neck.  “There’s more to do.”

“I know.  I just can’t compete with Rufus and the wages he pays.”

“Rufus?”

“Rufus Tunstall.  Owns the T Bar spread west of here.  Right now, he’s got himself a mess of horses to break, so he’s hiring extra men.”

“That so?  Still, you need help.  Those loose shingles will leave you with a hole in your roof if you don’t get them fixed.”

Harriet shrugged her thin shoulders and planted her hands on her hips.  “They can wait.”

I pulled a face but didn’t comment.  Waving Harriet goodbye, I headed home with my treasures. 

*****

The calf’s a big hit with Helen, but since she had no clue how to milk a cow, I took care of that chore.

Over dinner, I told her about the possible wrangling work.  “Be a good chance to earn extra cash.”

“Why bother?  We don’t need the money.”

I swallowed the piece of rabbit I was chewing on from the stew Helen cooked and cut off a burnt portion of potato. 

“We can always use the money.”  Helen shrugged.  Her disinterest worried me.  I’d never been poor, but I understood the value of money and hard work.  “Hey, it’s Sunday tomorrow.  Why don’t I take you to church?  Be a chance to meet some of our neighbors.”

“Oh, yes.  It will be nice to see other people.”

*****

It doesn’t take much to fill the church, and we had to squeeze on the end of a pew.  Helen used the opportunity to dress up in the finery she hadn’t worn since we left.  She glowed, and heads turned when we entered.  My stomach clenched at the looks in some of the men’s eyes.  A strange mixture of jealousy and pride rushed me.  I pulled Helen closer in a possessive move, but I couldn’t keep the smile from my face as we took our seats.

After the service, I said ‘Hi’ to Harriet.  She introduced us to the pastor, who took the time to present some townsfolk.  A nagging sense of disappointment crept through me as we mingled.  Helen was polite but aloof, and her disinterest became more and more obvious as we met other farmers and their families.  On the drive home, I tackled the issue.

“You weren’t very friendly back there.”

“They were so boring.  Talking about crops and children.”

“They’re our neighbors, Helen, and hopefully our new friends.”

“Did you see the clothes the women were wearing?  So dowdy.”

I pulled the horses to a halt and scooched around in the seat to face her.

“They may not wear fancy clothes or live in big houses, but they’re hardworking, decent people who don’t deserve to be looked down upon by you.” 

“I’m sorry.  Please, don’t … don’t hit me.” 

Pain lanced my heart when she shrank from me.  My God, how could I forget what she’s suffered? 

“I’d never hurt you.”  Gentle and slow, I reached for her and drew her into my arms.  “I’m sorry.  I can’t believe I did that and scared you.  Forgive me.”

“You won’t shout at me again?”

“No, never.”  I moved her back and looked into her eyes.  “You’re safe with me.”

I wiped away her tears before moving off.  When I glanced her way, I breathed a sigh of relief to see the smile on Helen’s face.  I slipped my hand into hers.  If she was happy, I  was too.

*****

Chapter Sixteen

My back muscles rippled and cracked when I heaved the post into position.  Dropped secure at last, I stood back and wiped the sweat from my brow.  Hoss, I could sure use you now.  Working without my brothers by my side left a bigger hole every day.  How often had I wanted to ask Adam’s advice or share a joke with Hoss?  God, I missed them.  Snatching for the canteen, I doused my head in cool water.

Droplets cascaded when I shook it out, and I turned my focus back to my work.  The effort was worth it.  The farm was taking shape.  Thanks to wrangling work I’d completed at Tunstall’s, I’d be collecting the makings of a small herd tomorrow.  After that, I would start the plowing. 

Helen called me to supper.  I abandoned the next log.  I’d come back out and finish after I’d eaten. 

I scooped the last piece of stew into my mouth, chewing the tough meat into submission.  I smiled and said, “That was great.  I’ll help with the dishes when I’m finished.”

Before I had a chance to move, Helen slipped across from her chair into my lap.

“Do you have to go back out?”

I cuddled her to me.  “I won’t be long.  I wanna make the most of the daylight.”

Twining her fingers through my hair, she pouted and complained, “You’ve been working non-stop.  I never see you anymore.  ”

Her accusation was an exaggeration, but I still felt guilty.   She melted against my chest when I kissed her.  I pulled her closer.  Helen’s arms wrapped around me.  Her fingers touched the bruises I gained courtesy of being tossed from the horses I broke, making me flinch.

Trailing kisses down her neck, I murmured, “I should get back to work.”

She called my bluff.  “Make love to me.”

Tiredness, aches, and pains dropped away like they never existed.  Sweeping her into my arms, I carried her to the bed.

I’d never known such bliss.  I held in my arms the girl I loved.  We’d given up everything for each other, but there were no regrets.  Our love consumed my world.  She gave my life purpose and joy.  I’m content and happy so long as I’m with her.  I don’t need anyone else. 

In the moonlight, Helen’s iridescent glowing skin made her a goddess.  I skimmed a hand over her velvet surface.  The warmth and softness under my fingertips thrilled me.  When she stirred, I held my breath.  She sighed and opened her eyes.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.  Go back to sleep.”

Her nakedness shifted against mine.  “Well, so long as we’re both awake.”

Grinning, I met her lips.

*****

The cattle I’d herded back milled about our small corral.  The sight puffed out my chest with pride.  I twisted in my position straddling the fence to look back at Helen.

“They sure look good, don’t they?”

Her nose wrinkled when she peered at them through the fence.  “You got these instead of money?”

“This is much better.  Tunstall’s a nice guy letting me take them instead of cash.  We’ve got a fine bull and three cows.  We’ll build a herd in no time.”  One of them lifted a tail and deposited a pat.  Helen backed away fast.  Laughing, I swung my leg over and jumped down.  “I’ll move them to the lower pastures soon.  I’ve almost finished the fence.”

“Good.”

I chuckled and followed Helen into the cabin to wash up for lunch.  Ladling water into the bowl from the barrel, I stopped when a rap came at the door.

“Hey, our first visitor.  Wonder who it could be?”

And that’s when the world came busting in!  They were our first visitors and our last.

My fingers touched my stomach, where the club had hit.  I winced.  The life I was trying to build had come to an abrupt and painful halt.  Could I have been any dumber?  The dead cattle were just another reminder of the disaster my life had become.

My head dropped against the fence at my back.  I had one more question.  What should I do?  A smart man would go home, fling himself at his father’s feet, and beg for forgiveness.  I turned my head East toward the Ponderosa.  Could I do that? 

*****

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

My wrist was starting to look ugly by the following morning.  I needed a doctor, but any movement wasn’t fun.  I couldn’t hitch the buckboard or walk.  My only choice was to ride.  I’d make the ten miles if I took it easy.  Yeah, right.  But I’m out of options.

I’d no wish to parade my situation through town, so I held off leaving until just before dusk.  Leading the horse into position beside the water trough, I stepped up and pulled myself across.  My fingers dig deep into its mane.  I gasp shallow breaths to fight back the waves of nausea.  Once the sensation ebbed, I allowed the mare to move off.

*****

Dear God.  Could I make it?  Only halfway to town, and every part of me radiated torment.  My chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself.  The sweat stuck the shirt to my back and slapped wet curls into my eyes.  “Don’t stop,” I told myself.  I had no other choice but to keep going.

I was reeling by the time I reached the doc’s house.  The moisture dripping in my eyes obscured my vision.  I squinted through the dusk at the shingle.  If I dismounted, I’d fall flat on my face and never get up, but I don’t have the strength to shout either.  I sat there while the gloom grew darker around me, feeling like an idiot.

“Who’s out there?”

The question jerked me out of my stupor.  I croaked my name, adding, “I need help.”

The doc held up his lantern.  “Good Lord.  What happened to you?”  He doesn’t wait for an answer, which is great since I don’t have the strength to muster one.  Sliding me off the horse, he pulled my arm around his neck.  “C’mon, let’s get you inside.”

Walking would be a polite way to describe how I made it into the house.  Aware I was leaning on him, I apologized.

“Pish!  D’you think I haven’t helped bigger men than you?”

I’m sure he had, and I shut my mouth to concentrate on not passing out. 

Getting into the house, a rustle of skirts preceded an anxious female voice who asked, “Where’s your wife?  Should we send for the sheriff?”

The care behind the question choked me.  I swallowed the lump in my throat.  “No.  She’s safe … gone.”

Laid on the docs table, he gave me something nasty to drink.  Time began to slip in and out.  The doc’s face hovered over me.  He smiled when he told me he would start with my wrist.  I think I screamed when he reset the bone.

I awakened to groan in protest when the doc sat me up to bandage my ribs.  Someone else was in the room, but I couldn’t turn my head enough to see.  The flickering amber flame of the lamp attracted and held my gaze with mesmerizing fascination.

“I’ll need to stitch that cut above your eye.”  The doc’s words drifted away from me.

The level in the fuel chamber of the lamp had dropped when I opened my eyes.  How long had I been here?  Someone wiped a cloth over my face, removing the dirt.  I blinked, and a woman’s features came into focus.  My damaged, swollen lips didn’t want to participate with the smile I tried to give her.  I drifted again.

The stab of the needle yanked me back to awareness.  Firm hands held my head, preventing any movement.  The doc told me, “Keep still.  I’m almost done.”

My eyes slipped shut, and the drug pulled the darkness back around me.

The next time I wake, I’m covered in blankets, and the lamp’s turned low.  The silence told me the household had turned in for the night.  The hope they’d taken care of my horse disturbed my consciousness before I faded.

*****

Sunlight caressed and warmed my face.  I turned toward it and opened my eyes. 

“Good to have you back with us.  How’re you feeling?”

I let the cheerful words sink into my fuzzy mind, trying to make sense of them.  “Okay.  I guess.”

The doc chuckled and helped me sit up.  Wincing, I tried to assist and discovered my right wrist in a splint and the arm strapped to my bound chest.

“You won’t be using that for a while.”

Receiving a glass of water in my left hand, I put off anything else until I’d taken a long drink.  “Thanks.”

“Care to tell me what happened?”

I stared out the window.  The sunlight refracted on the pane in little bursts of brilliance, lighting up the rot eating into the frame. 

“I got what was coming to me.”

“I don’t know what you did, son, but nothing rates that kind of beating.”

I didn’t argue.  What would be the point?  I swung my legs off the table after throwing aside the blankets.  Through the pain this movement cost me, I gasped, “Can I go now?”

“Whoa!  What’s the hurry?

“I need to get back.  Where’s my horse.”

“If you try to ride, we’ll be scraping you off the ground in under a mile.”  He’s probably right, but I don’t care.  I needed to get out of there.  Seeing the determined look in my one open eye, the doc sighed.  “All right.  I’ll take you in my buggy.”

“There’s no need- ”

“No argument.  I don’t go to all this trouble to have it undone.  Come and have breakfast.  Then we’ll leave.”

*****

The doc filled the first part of the journey with instructions on how to take care of myself.  Finally, he gave in to his curiosity and asked,  “You said your wife’s safe but gone.”

“Yeah.”

“She doesn’t know about the attack?”

“She knows.”

“Will she be back?”

“Nope.”

The doc shifted in his seat.  “I’m sorry.”

*****

The yard’s even bleaker than when I left.  The carrion we disturb flies up from the already bloating cattle. 

Doc Murphy looked horrified.  “Who did this?”

I managed the painful climb down and caught my breath before I replied, “Someone who felt he had the right.  I’d invite you in for coffee, but … ”

“Next time.  You take it easy now.”

Once I’d untied my horse, the doc drove away.  I led the mare to the gate.  Releasing the animal into the pasture, I turned and shuffled into the cabin.  The wreckage made me balk.  I had to lie down, so I ignored it and picked my way through the debris to the bed.  The busted frame means one end’s on the floor, but who cares?  At least the mattress was intact.  I eased myself down and stared at the ceiling.  What was I gonna do?  I couldn’t deal with decisions right then, and I pushed any thoughts away.  I closed my eyes.  Darkness claimed me.

*****

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Hoss

The door slammed.  Slapping the newspaper against his thigh, Adam marched to the table and tossed it in front of us.

“‘The Enterprise’ have done their worst.” 

I turned the paper toward me.  The front page carried the banner headline, ‘Youngest Son of Ben Cartwright Absconds with Wife of Eminent Businessman.’

Adam dropped into his chair.  “It won’t be long before every paper in the territory prints the story.”

“We expected this would happen.”  Pa picked up the publication, folded it, and laid it aside.

“Doesn’t make it any easier to read.  According to them, Little Joe’s the original sinner and the source of all that’s rotten in Virginia City.”

I pinned the chop on my plate with my fork and muttered, “Well, he ain’t, and they can say what they like.”

“Was there any mail or telegrams?”

Adam looked from Pa to me.  We both heard the hope in the question.  “No, nothing.”

Pa’s shoulders sagged.  “I’ll check in with the sheriff while I’m in Carson City tomorrow.”

“We’re coming with you,” I told him.

“No need.  You have chores to- ”

“We’re going.  We’re family and in this together.”

Pa patted my wrist and summoned a small smile.  “All right.”

*****

The ride to Carson City was solemn.  Losing Little Joe had taken the heart out of our family.  My thoughts dwell on my younger brother.  I wondered if he was okay, where he might be, if he missed us as much as we did him, and whether he was happy.  I hoped they were.  They’d sure smashed a lot of eggs to be together.

Pa took care of his business in the land office first.  I opted to wait outside.  My gaze followed the fancy coach that rolled by, curious to see a private vehicle.  The scuffle behind pulled my attention away.  A bunch of kids tumbled out of the alley, yelling and scrapping like demons. 

I turned back when the land office door opened, letting Adam out.   I looked past him and asked, “Pa coming?”

“He’ll be out in a moment.”

I looked back down the street.  The coach had pulled up outside the hotel.

“You ever seen a fancy rig like that before?”

Adam followed my gaze.  “No,” he replied with disinterest.  “This is a waste of time.”

I know Adam’s talking about our intention to visit the sheriff.  He’s probably right, but Pa needed to feel he was doing something positive to find Little Joe.

Pa appeared, stuffing a document into his jacket.  He fixed us with a determined look.  “Let’s go see the sheriff.”

They made for his office, but for some reason, I glanced back toward the hotel where that carriage had stopped.  My mouth dropped open when two people emerged from the entrance.  I groped to clutch Pa’s arm.  “Ain’t that Miles Casper?”

“Yes … and Helen’s with him!”

Pa moved fast.  To keep up, I had to jog.

Casper wasn’t a man to be disconcerted, but there’s no missing the look of annoyance that crossed Helen’s face when she saw us, and … I turned cold.  Like a snake, she’d shed the skin of the fragile, young girl we’d seen before to reveal a poised, assured woman.

Pa marched up to him and demanded, “What’s your wife doing here?  Where’s my son?”

“I’ve rescued my wife, and we’re returning home.”

“And Little Joe?”

“I’ve no further interest in that rake.” 

“Where is he?”

“I don’t have to tell you anything.  Your son’s an adulterer.  You’re lucky I don’t bring charges.”

Pa turned to Helen, his words an accusation, “He loved you.  He offered you marriage.”

“He offered me lies.  Seduced me and tricked me with promises I’m ashamed to admit I believed.  He had no intention of marrying me. When I realized his deceit, I wrote to my husband and begged forgiveness throwing myself on his mercy and generosity.  I’m very grateful he has a forgiving heart.”

“Little Joe would never- ”

“I don’t expect you to believe me.  No doubt he’ll tell you more lies.  But that is the truth.”

Casper waved a hand.  “Now, stand aside.”

We drew together and formed a barrier between the couple and their coach.  “Where’s my son?”

Helen rolled her eyes.  “For Heaven’s sake.  He’s on a ghastly farm near a town called Blythe.”

Pa looked her straight in the eye when he thanked her.  Contempt dripped from every word.  She didn’t bat an eyelid.

We watched the carriage drive away.  It took them out of our lives, but like locusts on a cornfield, they left devastation behind.

*****

I stared down my whiskey glass, looking for answers that weren’t there.

As soon as the Casper’s drove away, Pa announced his intention to get a drink.  We’d followed.  

“She sure had me fooled.  She didn’t look nothing like the little gal we knew.”

“She fooled us all,” Pa replied, his unhappiness growing.  “I can’t believe … those things she said ….”

“They weren’t true,” Adam snapped.  “Joe’s an idiot but not a seducer.”

“But he did lie to me.”

“Only because he thought he had no other choice.  He was stupid enough to want to marry Helen.  We all know that.”

“D’you think she ever cared for him?” I asked.

Adam downed his whiskey.  Pa shook his head.  My heart ached for my little brother.  Whatever he’d done, he loved Helen.

“Anyone heard of this place, Blythe?”  Adam and I shook our heads.  Pa grunted.  “We can check the maps in the Land Office.”

“Are we going?”

I twisted the glass in my hand while Pa weighed the decision.  “No.  We’ll let him come home on his own.”

“Pa.”

“I know how you feel, but he has to make this decision by himself.”

We found out Blythe was a four or five-day ride from the Ponderosa.  We headed for home to count them off.

*****

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Joe

I didn’t go.  Maybe because I’m not that smart or too darned stubborn, or maybe I’m just a damned coward.

Once I laid down on the bed, I remained there until the need to pee drove me to the outhouse.  I put it off as long as possible.  Peeing’s never pleasant when someone’s ground their heel into your balls.  I didn’t let the blood in it bother me … much. 

The bed and sleep called to me, but I needed water.  Sweat dripped down my face and chest by the time I hauled up a bucketful from the well.  Too heavy to carry, I poured half back.  I set the bucket next to the bed and lay down to wait for the room to stop spinning.  My jaw unclenched bit by bit as the pain eased.  I shut my eyes to block out the shambles of my home and my life and waited for sleep.

*****

Scraping the last water from the bucket, I had to move.  How much time had passed?  Two days, three?  The hunger gnawing at my belly told me it’d been long enough.

I scooped up what beans and coffee the mice and rats hadn’t eaten from amongst the chaos.  The chewed bacon I left for the rodents. 

The upturned milk urn was empty.  I wondered if I should bring in and milk the cow?  Who was I kidding?  But the dislodged stove flu was an easy fix.  I gathered kindling to fry up a few beans and make coffee in the dented pot.  Forcing the unappetizing mess down, I told myself I’d start the cleanup tomorrow.

I kept my promise.  The stench from the slaughtered cattle risked attracting larger predators.  I dealt with them first.  Dousing the carcasses with coal oil, I struck a match. 

No rancher wanted to see cattle go to waste.  It went against everything I’d been taught, but what difference would one more failure make?  I chalked it up alongside the rest.

After bringing in the animals, I set about clearing the cabin.  Noise filled the air when wood ground on wood.  I hauled out piece after piece of broken furniture.  Thanks to being one-handed, the whole process took ages.  But the pile in the yard grew until the pain and exhaustion got too much.  I called a halt for food and rest.

My respite didn’t last long.  I’d built up a head of steam and needed to keep going.  Strewn around the room were my torn clothes.  I reached for my jacket to shake it out and hoped it wasn’t beyond repair.  The bonnet dropped to the floor at my feet.  I stared at the frivolous creation Helen had looked so beautiful wearing. 

My knees buckled. I tried to force back the tears to grief I had no right to claim.  Helen wasn’t dead.  We hadn’t been married. But no amount of logic could stop the anguish that ripped through me. 

Questions, regrets, truths tumbled one after the other.  How could she sleep with another man to make the husband she loved richer?  How could she have deceived me?  But it was my fault, falling for her illusion like a wide-eyed, wet-behind-the-ears kid.  I’d made it easy for her.  I’d been the fool.  The adulterer.  The sinner.  If I had been the man Pa expected … my insides twisted.  What would Pa think of me now?  I buried my head in my hand.  I had to face the fact I’d ruined everything.  I crawled back to bed.

*****

CHAPTER TWENTY

Hoss

After fifteen minutes of Pa’s pacing, Adam shut his book.  “Why don’t we just go?”

“What?”

“Let’s save the wear on the floor and go find him.”

Thrusting his hands into his pockets, Pa replied, “I wasn’t thinking about Little Joe.”

I snorted.  “C’mon, Pa.  You ain’t fooling no one.  You’ve been thinking about nothing else.  We all have.”

Pa returned to his chair and crossed his arms.  “He needs to decide by himself.”

Adam and I exchanged a look.

“I agree,” Adam told him.  “But that doesn’t mean we can’t be there and ask him.  If he decides to stay, at least we’ll know.”

“Why wouldn’t he want to come home?”

I stood.  “He will.  C’mon, Pa.  Let’s go.”

****

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Joe

The flies shivered in circles on the mattress shaking and buzzing as they probed for food.  I could shoo them away, but why bother?  Let them have their fun. 

I watched their activity out of one eye.  Between my face and the sheet, my hair stuck to sweaty flesh.  I shifted my weight.  The wall of musk hit me, wrinkling my nose and churning my stomach.  I stank. 

After three days of getting up only to pee, feed the animals, and fetch more water, staying in bed had become unbearable.  It was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and climb out of my pit of despair.  I didn’t need to add wallowing in self-pity to my list of mistakes.  I stumbled to the outhouse and then the well.

Lowering myself to the ground hurt as bad as hauling the water, but I managed it.  I reached up to tip the bucket placed on the edge of the well.  The first load dumped in my lap.   A yelp let loose when the cold water hit my sore privates.  I improved my aim.  I scrubbed myself with the lump of lye soap I’d found and then my clothes before slinging them over the hitch rail to dry.  My legs and good arm resembled jelly by the time I’d finished. 

I moved to the old crate I’d propped against the cabin.  Since the last thing I needed was splinters in my butt, I was careful how I sat.   I stretched out my legs and allowed the heat of the day to dry me off.

The warmth from the wood seeped into my back.  I watched as the droplets of water on my skin shrank and evaporated.  My mind drifted and wandered to my family.  Hoss, laughing at some clever remark of Adam’s while they played checkers.  Pa sunk deep into his chair, enjoying one of his books and puffing on his pipe.  The familiar rich, pungent smell of sweetness and spice filled my nostrils.  I jerked upright.  That kind of thinking was dangerous territory.  That life was gone. 

My head thudded back against the cabin while my gaze trailed around the yard.  I’d lost the cattle, but if my ribs healed fast, there was still a chance of planting a late crop.  This was my life now.  I could make it work. 

Haze from the heat shimmered in the air.  I began to doze.  My eyelids had started to droop when the sound of a vehicle snapped me awake.  I grabbed my pants and dived back inside for my gun.  The buggy had pulled up outside by the time I’d struggled into my trousers.

“Cartwright?”

Relieved, I leaned on the doorframe and welcomed Harriet.  “What brings you here?”

“I heard you had problems.”  I raised my eyebrows, and she added, “Doc Murphy told me.  Geez, boy, he wasn’t joking.  Look at you.”

“I’m fine.  It looks worse than it is.”

Conscious of my exposed bandaged chest, I tried to wrestle on my shirt using my good arm.  Harriet sniffed and gave me a hand.

“I’ve brought some grub.  It’s only stew and bread.”  Only stew ….  I could’ve kissed her feet.  I did kiss her cheek.  “Enough of your flim-flam,” she told me.

Placing the pot on the crate, she handed me the bread wrapped in a cloth before looking around at the pile of broken furniture and debris.

“Where’s your wife?”

I stiffened.  The idea of people gossiping about me stuck in my throat.  “The doc didn’t tell you?”

“He told me you had troubles, is all.”

I dropped my gaze, ashamed of my accusation.  “Helen’s gone.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

Her genuine concern touched me.  “Come in.  I can manage a coffee.”

“That I’d like to see.  But I need to get to town.”  Climbing back into her buggy, Harriet gathered her reins.  “You need anything you come see me, y’hear.”

I stood back and watched her drive away.  It felt good to have a friend.  Maybe I could do this after all?  Maybe you should go home.  Pushing the discordant voice aside, I took a long sniff of the bread and collected my stew.

*****

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Hoss

We rode into Blythe late morning.  Tied our horses in front of the mercantile and followed Pa inside.

The man behind the counter broke off his conversation with a lady when he saw us and asked, “What can I do for you, folks?”

“I’m looking for my son.  I believe he lives near here.  Joseph Cartwright?”

His reaction and the look he exchanged with the other customer let us know we were in the right place.

The woman fixed Pa with a stare.  “You Joe’s Pa?”

“That’s right.”

“About time his kin showed up.  That boy’s struggling out there all alone.  Won’t take help from nobody, ‘cept the grub I gave him a few days back.  And even then, he brought the pot back clean to me.”

“Thank you for helping him.”

The lady’s bony finger poked Pa in the chest.  “I ain’t asking for thanks.  When that boy of yours saw I’d got me some broken shingles, he replaced them.  Wouldn’t take a thing from me.  ‘It’s what neighbors do,’ he told me.  I was doing the same.”

“I didn’t mean to offend.”

Anxious to find out more about Little Joe, I jumped in and asked, “’Scuse me, ma’am.  You said Joe were struggling.  Why’s that?”

“He took a real beating when his wife left.”

“His wife?”

Adam’s exclamation had the two exchanging another glance.  The old lady’s hands went to her hips.  “I were right.  I knew those two were runaways.  I guess it were her Pa who fetched her back?”

Pa ignored the question and focused the conversation back on what mattered most.  “Was he badly hurt?”

“Bad enough.  Doc Murphy treated him.”

“Thank you.  We’ll go speak to the doctor.”

We crammed into the Doc’s room and got the same reaction when Pa told him who we were.  Reluctant at first to tell us about Joe’s injuries, the worry on Pa’s face soon had the doc giving in.

“A broken wrist, probably a cracked rib or two, a lot of bruises, cuts, and grazes.  He got off luckier than he might’ve.”

“Thank you, doctor.  If he owes anything- ”

The doc shoots Pa a look.  “That son of yours ran across me minus a buggy wheel a while ago.  He got it back on and turned up the next day to fix it permanent.  He told me doctors were too valuable ‘round these parts to risk driving about with a loose wheel.  I would’ve treated him free if I could’ve.  He wouldn’t let me.  Dang fool rode in here yesterday and insisted on settling his account.  Gave him a piece of my mind for such foolishness.”  The doctor moved a bottle of something nasty looking and cleared his throat.  “It isn’t my business to say, but whatever your son did, I hope you know he’s a good man.”

Pa took his hand.  “I do.”

*****

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Joe

Every task took twice as long.  I kept going, but the prospect of planting a crop began to look bleak.  I’d risked the ride into town to buy supplies and see the doc, who insisted on changing my bandages and re-splinting my wrist.  At least I won the battle to pay. 

The cow kicked her leg in protest at my clumsiness.  I guess one-handed milking doesn’t make for a comfortable experience.  “Sorry, girl.” 

Carrying the bucket to the door, I set it out of the way and returned to lead the cow to the pasture.  Her calf gambled around.  I turned my back on its frolicking.  I can’t take that kind of joy right now. 

My feet dragged back to the barn.  I picked up the rake.  My broken wrist has been released from my side, allowing for more movement, but I needed to stop and bend using the rake as support every few minutes.  I’d get done.  It just took time.  I was learning patience. 

The last bundle of hay was forked into a stall.  I wiped my brow and smiled at the neat barn.  I could still find my own joy.  In a burst of optimism, I decided to tackle sawing firewood after lunch.  I retrieved the bucket of milk and left the barn.

*****

Hoss

We found the cabin easy enough and followed Pa to the opened door.  The place was empty, not just of Joe, but everything except a collapsed bed and a crate. 

“Perhaps he’s in the barn,” I suggested.

Pa grunted.  Stepping outside, he pulled up short.

There he was.  Holding a bucket in his good hand, he pushed the barn door closed with his other shoulder.  Little Joe’s a skinny little cuss, but right now, he looked like one of those waifs I’d seen in San Francisco.  I could see the bruises on his face turning from vivid purple and blue to green, even from here.  The splint on his right wrist covered the entire lower part of his arm.  His leaning position told me his ribs were hurting.

I glanced at Pa.  He drew in a large breath as Joe turned toward us.

*****

Joe

They’re here.  How did they find me?  Why had they come?  To gloat and tell me how dumb I’d been?  I knew that already.

Pa said something to Adam and Hoss and walked toward me.  My gaze dropped to his boots.  I looked every bit the failure.  If he’d come to berate me, I owed him that much.  But I could at least take it like a man.  I placed the bucket down and straightened.  He stopped before me.  I braced and faced my father, ready to take his anger. 

“Let’s go home, son.”

*****

Hoss

I couldn’t make out Pa’s words, but I could see Joe.  I watched his eyes widen, then squeeze shut as his face crumpled.  My father stepped forward and embraced his youngest son, who folded into his arms.

I heaved a sigh.  Adam bowed his head and turned away.  Neither of us moved, giving them the privacy Pa asked for and Little Joe time to collect himself.  We’d never know what passed between them in that brief space of time, but knowing them, it was a lot. 

With his arm around him, Pa walked Little Joe back toward us.  Adam returned the greeting Joe gave him.  I needed more.  Relieving him of the bucket, I slipped an arm around that slim frame and squeezed.  “Good to see you.”

Little Joe’s chin trembled, but he managed to say, “You too.”

I placed the milk next to the sink while Pa had Joe sit on the crate.

“How did you find me?”

Adam filled Joe in on how we’d encountered Casper and Helen and then asked, “Who did the damage?”

“Casper’s men.”  Joe touched his black eye.  “I earned it, I guess.”

“Nonsense,” Pa informed him.

“I took his wife, Pa.  That wasn’t part of the plan.”

“Plan?  I don’t understand.”

Joe looked at Pa and pulled a face.  “I guess they wouldn’t tell you that part.  It was all about money.  They had it worked out between them.  Helen had the affairs, and he used that to get whatever he was after.”

“Son of a bitch.”

Pa ignored Adam’s mutter and knelt in front of Joe.  “She lied?”

I shut my eyes at the broken-hearted expression on my little brother’s face. 

“It doesn’t matter.  I’m sorry about the timber.”

“I didn’t sell to Casper.”

“What?  Pa!  You needed that contract.”

“We’ll make do without.”

“I’ve messed everything up, haven’t I?”

“No, boy.  It’ll be fine.”  Pa stood, put his hand on his hips, and took charge.  “First, we need to find a way to get you home.”

“I have a buckboard and team.”

“Good, good.”  Pa glanced about the desolate cabin.  He’s thinking the same as me.  We wouldn’t need to spend any time packing.  “We’ll eat and then head for home.”

Joe insisted on two stops on the way.  The first to the old lady we’d met in the mercantile and then the doc.

Shrugging off my help, Joe climbed off the buckboard and unhitched the cow.  The calf followed behind when he walked to the woman.

“You leaving, lad?”

“Yeah.”  Joe held out the rope.

“She’s yours.”

“She’d be happier with you.”

Before she took the rope, the lady hugged Joe.  “Good luck.  If you ever pass this way again, drop in and say howdy.”

“I will.”

Joe stayed in the wagon for the doc, who seemed to approve.  The two shook hands, and we left Blythe behind.

*****

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Joe

The journey and constant pain combined and pushed me to collapse.  Falling into bed, I stayed put for a week. 

Coming home should have been a relief.  It wasn’t.  Each day the tension mounted when nobody mentioned Casper or Helen.  I waited for the discussion with Pa.  It didn’t come.  I’d rather have Pa yelling than this silence.  

I couldn’t blame him.  He wanted to move on and leave the whole sorry mess behind.  I’d screwed so much up you’d think I could at least give him that.  Telling myself I was stupid doesn’t make a blind bit of difference.  The longing for Helen gouged a hole so deep it wouldn’t be filled.  I’d wake up night after night in a cold sweat feeling her skin against mine and me still inside her. 

Of course, Pa knows.  Each day his irritation grew.  Work would’ve got me out of the house, but I’m tied here giving Pa a front-row seat to my latest failure.  Slumped into the blue chair, I couldn’t help but notice the exasperated glances he shoots my way. 

“I think I’ll go lie down.”

“Moping off to your room won’t help.  It’s over, and you need to put it behind you.”

I turned back.  At least he’s talking about what happened.  “I’m trying.”

“It was a sham, boy.”

“It wasn’t for me.  I was a fool.  I know that.  But I can’t just stop loving her.”

“Love?”  Pa closed his eyes, seeking strength to keep calm before continuing, “We’ve all made fools of ourselves over a woman.  But she was married and- ”

“I know that should’ve made a difference, but it didn’t.”

Pa’s short-lived patience ran out.  He slammed his book shut.  “Are you telling me you’d do the same again?”  I didn’t need to answer.  It was written all over my face.  “I thought you’d learned your lesson?”

“I’ve never been much for schooling.  You should know that by now.”

Pa stood.  “I need air.”

I watched him leave.  Now I knew the truth.  He couldn’t forgive me for running off with a married woman. 

*****

Hoss

Whatever happened between Pa and Little Joe must’ve been bad.  Four days of silence between them was stretching all our nerves.  When I came across my brother in the barn looking like an abandoned pup, I couldn’t bear it anymore. 

“You okay?”

My question jolted Joe out of his reverie.  “Yeah.  Just thinking.”

“Bout Helen?”

He gave me a look as if he was surprised I’d mention her name.  “That obvious?”

“Yep.”

His smile was a poor effort.  It hurt that it had lost its brilliance.  “Don’t tell, Pa.”

“What?  That you’re thinking about her?  He’d understand.”  I frowned at his expression and asked, “He don’t?”

“Pa thinks I should forget her.  He’s right, and I’m trying.  But what she did doesn’t change how I feel.  I’d do it again.  Even though it was wrong.”

My hand found Joe’s knee.  Now I understood his problem.  “You told him that, huh?”

Joe hung his head.  “I don’t blame him for being disappointed.”  He swiped a hand over his cheek, quick to brush away the tear he didn’t want me to see.  The loud breath he sucked in turned into a sniff.  He straightened.  “I know I have a lot to put right, and I will.”

“We’re just glad you’re back.”

“Thanks,” he told me.  But I couldn’t miss the doubt in his eyes. 

Pa’s disappointment would be tearing Joe apart.  This couldn’t go on.  I took my chance to tackle Pa head-on the next day when I found him alone. 

“Where’s Little Joe?”

Pa looked up from the newspaper he was reading.  “Resting in his room.”

“What’s between you two?”

“I’d rather not discuss it.”

I wouldn’t be dismissed, not today.  “You’re gonna hav’ta.  Y’know, Joe’s miserable.”

“He’s brought that on himself.”

“How?”

Pa scowled at me but folded his paper and put it aside.  “I asked if he would do it again, get involved with a married woman.  He told me he would.”

“You’d rather he lied?”

“Of course not.   But I thought he understood his actions were wrong.”

“Ain’t it possible for a man to know something’s wrong and yet believe it’s still the right thing to do?”

“He broke one of God’s rules when he committed adultery.”

I chewed my lip then broached a subject I never thought I would.  “As I recall, Mrs. Edwards was gonna leave her husband for you.”

Pa fixed me with a hard stare.  “Joyce’s situation was different.”

“Why were it?  Little Joe believed Helen’s marriage weren’t happy.  The same as Mrs. Edwards.  What is this, Pa?  One rule for you and another for Little Joe?”

“Certainly not!  Joyce and I were friends long before she was married.  You don’t understand.”

“No, I don’t, but it sure looks that way to me.  You loved Joyce.  Little Joe loved Helen.  Sure, she might not have deserved it, but that don’t change his feelings none.  Besides, ain’t you meant to love him no matter what he does.  That’s what you’ve always told us?”

The glare Pa gave me could’ve scorched wood.  “I do.  I just don’t know if I can forgive him.”

“You can’t mean that?”

“If he accepted what he did was wrong, maybe, but- ”

My chest swelled.  “You always taught us to stand by what we thought was right.  What did you really mean?  We can, so long as we agree with you?  I never took you for a hypocrite.”

Too angry to stay, I left. 

I decided to work my frustration out on the woodpile.  I’d been at it a while when Pa appeared.  I laid down the ax and pulled out my bandana to wipe my brow and hands.  I let Pa start the conversation.

“Y’know, having three smart sons can be hard on a man at times.”  Pa leaned against the woodpile and crossed his arms.  He lowered his head and looked up at me from under those bushy eyebrows.  “You’re right.  I haven’t wanted to admit I would’ve broken the same Commandment.  I think that’s why I was so angry when Little Joe ran off with Helen.”

“Because he did what you would’ve?”

“Yes, and the wrong of it came home to me.  But I believed the same as Little Joe.  I believed it was the best … the only thing to do.”  Pa straightened and gripped my shoulder.  “I haven’t been fair to him.  Thank you for telling me.”

“You would’ve worked your way ‘round to it, I reckon.”

Pa chuckled but shook his head.  “I’d better go see him and have that talk.” 

Slapping me on the back, Pa strode away to the house.  I watched him go with a smile on my face from pure pride.  My gaze traveled from him to Little Joe’s bedroom window.  I took a breath, expanding my chest to let in the fresh air.  If anyone can work their differences out, it’s Pa and Little Joe.  We were gonna be just fine.

I picked up the ax.  The handle honed smooth from use, settled into my hand.  I began to swing.

***The End***

January 2022

If you enjoyed my story, I hope you’ll consider letting me know and leaving a comment.  Thank you.

Authors notes:
Thanks to my keen-eyed and honest Beta, Pat.  Who truly deserves it.
Episodes referenced: The Mill  Written by Halsted Welles