‘Tis the Season …

By MelCC

~~~

It had been a terrible year and I, for one, would be glad when it was over. 

A year so full of loss, it was hard to see how we could ever recover.  Now it was Christmas Eve and not one of us had been looking forward to the season.  But there was no avoiding it.  I’ve had my share of loss over the years and maybe that has made me more resilient, I don’t know.  All I know is that it’s my son, my youngest, who is suffering the most and I worry for him.

We’d both stood and watched helplessly as his brother, Hoss, had lost his battle for life under this very roof.  We’d buried him next to Marie, the only mother he had ever known.  I visit both their graves regularly and I know that Joe does too. 

Adam had returned for Hoss’s funeral, but had left again soon after and we hadn’t seen him since.  He had chosen solitude as his way of coming to terms with his loss and I couldn’t blame him for that.  We didn’t know if he would be back for Christmas or not, we’d had no word, but I was still hopeful.  If he did make it back, maybe his presence would lift our spirits enough to help us to get through. 

Maybe if we were together, it would be a little easier for us all, but especially for Joe.  The house was just so empty, the ghosts of those who should be here hovered in every corner, and it didn’t seem to be getting any easier. 

Earlier, Candy, Jamie, Joe and myself had eaten a modest supper in near silence.  Each of us, no doubt, contemplating our own personal loss in the privacy of our own thoughts. 

Of course, Joe was the one who had lost the most.  Whilst still mourning deeply for Hoss, an all too brief ray of sunshine had entered Joe’s life – Alice.  Then she too had been cruelly snatched away, together with their unborn child. 

Now Joe has one more grave to visit. 

I’d watched as my son’s heart had broken all over again.  He had gone away for a month after Alice’s death, he needed time to come to terms with what had happened.  Then, following his frenzied hunt for her killers, he had finally returned home exhausted and empty. 

He’d lost so much weight that he was hardly recognizable, the hollowness of his cheeks all the more evident after he had shaved the beard he had allowed to grow.  The usual glint in his eye, the vitality, the sheer energy and vibrancy that were so infectious had all but disappeared.  Now his movements are slow, his shoulders hunched and he rarely smiles. 

Seeing the shell of the man he once was that Joe has become saddens me beyond words.  I know that it will take time for him to heal, that he has lost too much in too short a time and I need to give him time, but it isn’t easy.  Candy, Jamie and Hop Sing also try their best, but the strain is getting to everyone and it feels like our family will never be whole again.

*****

Knocking gently on Joe’s door but hearing no response, I opened the door quietly and looked over to Joe’s bed.  He was lying on his back with his fingers laced behind his head staring up at the ceiling and I could see the tears glistening in his eyes from where I stood.

“Are you ready for tomorrow, son?”

He didn’t answer straight away, but sighed heavily.

“I don’t know, Pa.  I’m thinking I might go out for the day, just ride some.  It’s just too hard.” 

Moving further into the room, I sat down on the chair next to Joe’s bed.

“I know, son.  We’ll miss you, though, if you’re not here.”

He was quiet for a time until a sudden choking sob pierced the silence as Joe fought to maintain control.  I wished there was something I could do to take away some of the pain.  So many people, so many loved ones, gone.  This Christmas would be the worst we’d ever faced.

“They should be here, Pa.  Here with us tomorrow.  Hoss and Alice and my baby.  Around the table, laughing.”

I shook my head sadly, I had no answer for him.

“I can still hear him, Pa.  I can still hear Hoss laughing.  How can we do this without him…without Alice…Adam too?”

Squeezing his arm, I rose slowly and left him to his thoughts. 

*****

Jamie and Candy looked up from their game of checkers as I walked slowly down the stairs.  After a small shake of my head, they resumed their game in silence.  What could we do?  We couldn’t just ignore the day tomorrow.  There was Jamie to think of too, we had to at least try to get through as best we could. 

I would hang the stockings as usual later, I decided, one each for Hoss and Adam and one for Alice and for the grandchild I would never know.  It just felt wrong not to.  We would get through tomorrow somehow.  We had to.

As I was settling in front of the fire with my pipe, we heard the unmistakeable sound of a horse approaching and all three of us looked up, exchanging expectant glances.  Even Hop Sing emerged from his kitchen wearing an apron and a hopeful expression, we were all wondering the same thing.  I got up with hope in my heart and headed for the door.

*****

“Joe, there’s someone here to see you.” 

My heart was racing with excitement and also some anxiety, but I was finding it hard not to grin from ear to ear, feelings of relief flooding through me.  I stepped back, allowing our visitor to enter ahead of me.  Hesitating for a moment to look at Joe, he walked towards the bed and spoke softly to him. 

“Hello, brother.”

Starting, Joe sat up suddenly, his head snapping towards us and his mouth falling open in surprise.

“You came back!”

“I promised I would, didn’t I?” 

Dipping his hand into his pocket, he took hold of Joe’s hand in his own and turned it palm upwards so that the scars Joe had sustained so recently were visible, before folding Joe’s fingers closed.

“Sorry it took me so long to return it.   Happy Christmas, Joe.”

Uncurling his fingers, Joe stared at the treasured locket in his hand and then squeezed his eyes closed, a single tear escaping from between his lashes.  Blinking, he stared up at his brother. 

Then he smiled. 

“Happy Christmas, Clay.”

The End.