How to Say Goodbye

by JoeC

Finally, the day I had feared the most since my childhood had come.

No more than a week earlier my life was at ease. I had run the ranch as always in the last years and my father had helped me from time to time. But mostly in these days he went to Virginia City to visit old friends like Roy Coffee and Doc Martin.

Today, in the morning, Pa had gone to my mother’s grave and at lunch time he wasn’t back. I was worried and so I went after him. I found my father sitting on the ground by the grave. He was weak, like he had been for the last few days. When I realized he wasn’t able to get up alone, I helped him into the surrey and we slowly drove home.

In the last years my father’s bedroom has been next to the dining room because of his knee problems and his inability to climb the stairs anymore. It was a happenstance that now came in handy for me. Carefully I laid him down in his bed and sent a hand to fetch the doctor. Daniel Huffman, the doctor who had taken over the practice from Paul Martin four years ago, knew my father very well. Even though Pa still went to Paul Martin for consultation my father also trusted in Doc Huffman’s skills – occasionally. After his arrival Daniel examined my father for a whole hour. When he left the bedroom, Pa had fallen into an exhausted sleep and Daniel came to sit beside me at the dining table.

“Daniel, how is he?” My voice trembled and I feared the answer.

“Oh Joe, in all the time I’ve known your father he’s always been a agile person who was – for his age – in a good shape, aside from his back and knee problems. But now… ” I saw that Doctor Huffman was searching for the right words.

“What now, Daniel?”

“Joe, your father is very fragile and I think he… he is dying.”

“Dy…, dying? But he is not sick.” I jumped out of the chair and my hand searched for a hold at the table.

Daniel Huffman stood up and put a reassuring hand on my arm. Then he explained that my father wasn’t ill but nevertheless he was dying.

“But if he isn’t sick why is he dying?” I couldn’t understand this at all.

“Joe, your father is dying because his time has come. No one lives forever, Joe, not even your pa.”

His words made me numb and I couldn’t talk anymore. Daniel sat for a while by my side.

Later I pulled myself together and saw Daniel out. As quietly as possible I entered my father’s room and sat beside him in a chair. There he lay, only a shadow of the man I had known for all my life and now he was even more fragile than he’d been in the morning. My strong father with his booming voice was dying? I couldn’t believe it and yet it was already happening. Maybe the Doc was wrong and Pa only had a little cold. I tried to fool myself desperately. Maybe… my heart felt like it was in chains. I could hardly breathe and tears were running down my cheeks.

I felt so alone and suddenly I wished my brothers were there with me.

I held Pa’s hand in mine for a long while, my thumb caressing the back of his hand unceasingly. I did not want him to feel alone. His hand was cold and that just was not right. Pa’s hands were always warm. ‘Maybe I should give him a extra blanket?’ I considered after a while. He needed to be warm – I needed for him to be warm.

Memories, there are lot’s of them and at that moment they were threatening to overwhelm me. Memories of my father, my brothers and of our former lives together, on the Ponderosa. Adam and Hoss, riding at my father’s side, and now…. I’m the last one. The last son.

I yearned for my brothers so much in that very moment.

I remembered how Pa had grieved so much after we had gotten the message of Adam’s death, that I had feared my father was going to lose his mind. We couldn’t even have Adam’s body to bury, since my brother had lost his life at sea – the life he had chosen after he had left us and the Ponderosa. Back then Hoss had explained to me that Pa had always grieved that way. The only thing he would need was time. In the end, Hoss had been right. Little by little Pa got involved in the ranch work again.

Years later, when Hoss had died, Pa had been broken-hearted anew. But once more life had carried on – we had carried on. Side by side the two of us. We had worked hard until over the years the Ponderosa grew further.

“Joseph?” His voice was unnaturally weak when Pa called out for me.

“I’m here, Pa.” I took my father’s hand in mine while I stroked his head with the other one.

“It’s time Joseph. They are calling me.”

“Who is calling you, Pa?”

“Your mother and Inger… Elisabeth. Adam and Hoss are also waiting for me. Joe… I’m happy. I will see them again. Not long and we will… will be together.” A weak smile appeared on my father’s face.

“But Pa, I need you here – with me.” I almost shouted. Tears came into my eyes and I buried my face in his shoulder.

“Joe, it’s time for me to go. I’ve lived a long life and now I need to go. But I have to ask one last favor of you.” At this I lifted my head and looked at him, expectant. His unsteady hand reached for my face and without a second thought I leaned my head into it.

“What is it, Pa? I will do whatever you want from me.”

“I want you to go on with your life. Grief is only one part of life, my son. The other is happiness and I want you to be happy. Go on with your life, be happy and remember me with love. Will you?”

I bent down to my father and kissed his cheek.

“I will, I promise.” Later on I would be wondering how I had been able to regain enough calmness in this moment to do so. But at that moment, and for my fathers sake, I was only grateful for it.

“I love you, Papa.” I stroked my father’s face again.

” I love you too, son.” His voice had been so weak I barely heard him anymore. Then my Pa’s eyes grew dark.

***

The house was quiet. I was sitting in the blue chair, feeling lonely and weeping for the loss of my father. Memories came and went, but before they could take me away the door opened.

“Joe?” Alice came in.

“I met Daniel in town, he told me… .” When Alice reached the chair she got on her knees and took my hands in hers.

“Pa is gone, Alice, he died in my arms.”

Alice took me in her arms and I wept for a long while. Later she gave me comfort and warmth.

And then I knew what my father had meant with his last words.

The End

Many Thanks to my Betas Stetson1859 and Freyakendra

© February 2011, JoeC