Mule’s Crossing #2

by jfclover

A story in three voices.

Joe

We arrived home from Pigeon’s Ranch on July 1, one year to the day after Hoss and I had boarded a stage for Arizona.  Pa and my brothers rode on to the house while I turned my mount in another direction.  I needed a few minutes alone.  I needed time to set things straight in my mind—whether returning home with Pa and my brothers had been the right decision or not.

I needed time to think without answering questions, time to think without being judged.  During the last few months, when I’d turned to play-acting when I tugged at Father’s heartstrings with the promise of being a dutiful, loving son, I thought I was doing the right thing.  Maybe my way of thinking had been wrong all along but in the end, the weeks of pouring my heart out to a madman had proved successful.  Hoss and I had escaped; we were free from a yearlong sentence away from family and away from everything we once knew.   

“Yes, Father, trust me, Father, you and me—father and son forever.”

No one will ever know what went on between the two of us inside Father’s parlor or how it made me feel, or how I cried for my own father when I voiced those words to a stranger.

As I knelt down on one knee next to my mama’s grave, a wave of questions poured through my mind, demanding answers.  Who was I more like? Which father did I resemble most?  Had I betrayed my own father?  I’d conned my way into Father’s good graces as I’d done so often with Pa.  How easily my pleading voice and a simple shower of tears came when needed. I’d had years of practice; even my eldest brother had accused me of working Pa’s sympathetic side without shame, and maybe I had, maybe Adam was right.  Suddenly, I felt dirty; I felt ashamed.  I felt unworthy of my own father’s love.

I’d already lost Hoss, my best friend, and would I lose my father too? Would Pa’s own instincts lead him to the truth? Was there room in his heart for a traitor?  Although that wasn’t how I saw it at the time, I wondered if I could ever talk about anything that went on inside Father’s house at Mule’s Crossing.   

Hoss had been unaware; he knew nothing of my plans, of the trickery I’d used to deceive Father to set us both free.  I never discussed my nights spent away from the cabin, not with Hoss, not with anyone.  And, as I look back, I’d been wrong not to confide in my brother but at the time, he didn’t want the truth; he saw everything in a different light.  He’d turned his back on me.  His head was all messed up, and in his eyes, I’d deserted him, I’d pulled rank only to further myself up the ladder of Father’s good graces.

~~~

A soft whinny welcomed me home as I stabled the sorrel next to the bay Pa had bought Hoss for our journey home.  I swallowed the lump in my throat, moved to the adjoining stall, and buried my face in Cochise’s silky, black mane.  If only I’d ridden him down to pick up the mares.  If only my father hadn’t insisted we take the stage.

Pa walked out of the house and met me halfway across the yard, and then wrapped his arm across my shoulders.  And just like Father had greeted me over the past few months, I felt a gentle squeeze.  My heart beat faster than it should have, and I hoped Pa wouldn’t notice the sudden discomfort I felt.

“Hoss is taking a bath,” he said.

I wanted to smile; I wanted everything to be as it should, but I pulled away.  “Think I’ll go … go to my room, Pa.”

“Hoss should be finished by now,” he said, not insisting I bathe next, but there was an edge to his voice.  I didn’t want to be told what to do or when to do it.  I was a free man, and I could bathe when I was ready; I didn’t have to be told.

“Joseph?”

“Not now, Pa.”

“Son?”

Pa didn’t understand; no one did.  I walked away from my father, entered the house alone, and went straight to my room.  I took the next bath, but I waited until Hoss had come upstairs and I heard his door close before I asked Hop Sing to heat more water.  Though he was glad to see me, he soon ranted and threatened bodily harm as he handed me the wooden bucket and pointed to the well.  “You get; I heat on stove.”

“All right, all right.  I’m going.”

“Why you wait till supper almost on table, Little Joe?”

After all this time—a year to be exact—our cook was scolding me.  “I’ll make it snappy,” I said though, if I’d had my way, I would have immersed myself in hot, soapy water for hours, but I wasn’t given that choice.

“You no make mess.  You hurry now.  Mr. Hoss plenty hungry for Hop Sing cooking.”

“Okay, I’m hurryin’, I’m hurryin’.”

I dressed for dinner in clothes that had been pressed, folded, and placed in drawers awaiting my return.  My room had been aired out, and clean sheets covered the bed. No more climbing to the top bunk, lying on a mattress filled with straw, and wrapping myself up in a threadbare blanket.  No more shivering all winter and sweating all summer.  I was home at last.

I took a deep breath and ventured down the stairs to eat with the family.  I was the last one to the table; Adam and Pa greeted me with smiles while Hoss opted to stare down at his empty plate.

“You look refreshed, son.”

“I feel better.  I’m hungry too.”

“Looks like Hop Sing made enough for an army,” Pa said, but first he bowed his head, clasped his hands, and with his wrists resting against the edge of the table he wanted to offer a prayer.  “I just have a few words to say on this auspicious occasion—“

I wanted to glance up at Hoss; I wanted to see his face, but I kept my head bowed and stared at my own china plate.  We had survived on jerky and hardtack for weeks.  We had made our way through canyons and deserts and iron boxes, never thinking this day would come.  But here we were, the four of us together again although everything felt wrong.  Nothing felt right at all.

“—for bringing my sons home and helping them through these difficult times,  Amen.”

Even though I’d let my mind wander, I’d heard Pa’s final words, “difficult times.” Our conflict affected the entire family and for that simple reason, I felt remorse along with guilt.  Hoss and I had brought our battle home—into this house, to Pa and Adam—and that wasn’t fair.  It was up to Hoss and me to find our way without saddling our misery on everyone else.

I piled my plate with food, more than I could begin to eat, but if questions were asked, I had an excuse not to answer.  I glanced across the table and saw the meager amount of food Hoss had set on his plate.  He still had difficulty eating solid food without losing all he’d taken in.

Pa reached out and patted my brother’s hand.  “Eat what you can, son.  I’ll have Paul come out tomorrow and check you boys out.  I want to make sure,” my father’s eyes began to tear, and his voice faltered.

“I’m not real hungry, Pa.”  I started to push away from the table, but my father surprised me when he stood too and fled the dining room before I could even get to my feet.  My brothers turned in their chairs, and we all watched Pa cross the room and haul himself up the stairs.

“Sit down, Joe,” Adam said forcefully.  He laid his fork down on his plate and ran his napkin over his mouth.  “Neither of you has a clue.”

“What?”  I said.  “What do you mean?”

“Granted, you both went through a terrible ordeal, I understand, even though I have no idea what transpired over the past year.  But I know what went on inside this house, and I won’t let either of you cause Pa another minute of worry or pain.  You have no idea how that man has suffered.  You don’t know how many letters and wires he sent off looking for the two of you.  You weren’t here to see him turn down a perfectly good meal or turn in early because he blamed himself for your disappearance.”

“Blamed himself?”

“Because he forced you two to take the stage.”

“But, Adam,” I said.  “None of this was Pa’s fault.”

“No?” he said, “Maybe not.”  Adam’s eyes bore even deeper into mine.  “But, he blames himself every minute of the day.”

I dared to glance at Hoss and then back at Adam.  “Maybe I should go talk to him.”

“Maybe.”

“What’s that mean?”  I wasn’t thrilled with Adam’s tone of voice.

“Maybe talking to Pa isn’t the real issue here.”

“I can’t solve the real issue, big brother.”

“Maybe you should try harder.”

“Maybe you should mind your own business.”  I glared at Adam.

“Fine.  I’ll do just that.”

Adam pushed back his chair and without another word, he walked out and slammed the front door.  Our food had grown cold, and no one had eaten a bite.  Hop Sing remained in the kitchen; there’d be no ranting this time, only silence remained now that Hoss and I were left alone.

“You blame me for everything,” I said.  “And you don’t know the half of it, do you?” Hoss shook his head and started to push up from his chair.  “Gonna run away?  Gonna give me the silent treatment?  Gonna pretend nothing’s wrong?”

A deep sigh came before my brother’s forced words.  “I just don’t care no more, Joseph.”

I stood up too and faced Hoss.  “Well, maybe I do.”

“That’s your choice.  I’ll be leavin’ soon as I get my strength back.  Ain’t no place for me here.”

“You’ve got all the answers, don’t you?”

“I got enough.”

“You don’t know nothin’.”

“Don’t push me, Joseph.”

“Wanna hit me?  Go ahead.  Hit me.”  I jutted out my chin, giving him every opportunity to knock me clear across the room.  “Give me the best you got.”  Hoss started around me, and I grabbed hold of his arm.  “Hit me, Hoss.  That’s what you want, isn’t it?  Hit me!”

Hoss grabbed me; his eyes flamed with anger.  I was amazed at his strength, as his fingers clamped tightly around both arms.  I stared up at my brother; tears filled his eyes, and he released his hold and turned toward the adjoining room; his anger abated for now.

“We need to settle this, Hoss.  Please don’t walk away.”

Hoss

I didn’t have the stomach to listen to any of Joe’s excuses.  I followed Adam out the front door before I got so angry I hurt the kid.  Yes, I wanted to hit him, but I ain’t never done that before, and I weren’t about to start now.

I know what Joe done behind my back, and I couldn’t forgive him for playing up to that man and calling him Father.  He didn’t care nothin’ about me; he only wanted to become headman.  I was through with him.  If in a year’s time, watching him climb his way to the top didn’t prove he’d become a traitor, not only to me but to this family, what else would?  He wanted all the privileges a man could earn in that godforsaken land, and he didn’t care who he had to push or shove to win his place in Father’s family.

I’ve stood by that kid since the day he was born, and he cares nothin’ about being brothers or carin’ for one another.  He’s spoiled and full of hisself.  I seen what he did to better hisself at Mule’s Crossing.  I’d smelled alcohol on his breath, and I knew about his late nights with Father.  Course, that weren’t all I heard.  I knew about his visits to the saloon and evenings spent with women while the rest of us worked ourselves to an early grave.  Maybe I’m wrong and maybe my thinking ain’t clear, but that ain’t my idea of brotherly love.

I’m a forgiving man.  I can find the good in people even when they done wrong, but brother against brother?  I did all I could to keep Joe alive on the trip through the desert and in the dank cellar where he nearly lost his mind.  I did all that, and how does he repay me?  He don’t.  He acts like he don’t even know me.

I seen him ride out of camp just a couple of days before the soldiers came.  Figured he was halfway home by the time all hell broke loose, and everyone scattered into the desert and mountains.  A chance at freedom, Joe and I should have shared, but it was too late.  He was already gone.

By then, I didn’t care much about nothing.  My little brother had turned against me, and I didn’t know why.  I walked away from Mule’s Crossing, and when my strength gave out I crawled, and when I couldn’t crawl no farther, I lay down to die.  At least I was a free man.  I didn’t know nothin’ more ‘til I heard Pa begging me to wake up.

Since I’d already told Pa and Joe I was leavin’, the only one left was Adam; I figured he should know my plans.  He was leaning his elbows on the corral’s top rail and digging the toe of his boot back and forth in loose dirt.  He didn’t bother to look up when I stood beside him, resting my elbows next to his.

“Howdy,” I said.  Adam continued scuffing his boot tip while I gazed straight ahead, pretending he weren’t there, just like he done with me.

“Ever wonder why we’re put on this earth, Hoss?”

“Huh?  No, guess not.”

“Ever wonder why three fairly intelligent men can’t get along with each other?”

“Don’t get me started, Adam.”

“Why?  Afraid?”

“Some, I guess.”

“Of what?”

“I dunno,” I said.  “Maybe my temper.”

My brother chuckled.  “Coming from you, I find that somewhat hard to believe.”

“You don’t know what it was like.  You pretend to know, but you don’t know nothin’.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Adam said.  “I don’t know nothin’.”

The two of us stood side-by-side, diggin’ our toes in the dirt only my hole was deeper’n Adam’s.  My frustration was deeper.  My anger was deeper, and I began kicking at the hole I’d made.  “He caged me like an animal, Adam.  He rode out and left me.  He don’t care nothin’ about bein’ brothers.”

“Seriously?”  Adam turned and crossed his arms over his chest.  “I don’t believe a word you just said.”

“Ask Joe.  Ask him why he deserved special favors.  Ask him why he put me in that iron cage. Ask why he rode out and left me behind.  Ask him, Adam.  Ask him why he done all those things to someone he calls brother.”

I pushed away from the rail and walked toward the house.  I’d said too much already, but Adam had got me riled.  I was acting more like Joe, letting older brother get under my skin like that.

I slammed my bedroom door and took a few deep breaths before I lowered myself onto the bed.  Every ounce of strength was gone, and it took a great deal of effort just to kick off my boots before I curled up and lay my head on the thick, feather pillow.  I was spent, body and mind.  I didn’t want to see no one else tonight.

Joe

Pa had a couple of our wranglers ride down and bring up the four cutting horses Hoss and I were to collect from Abe Chandler.  I’d given a year of my life for those mares, and I wanted to see if they were worth the price I’d—we’d—paid.

I woke up early, dressed, and headed out the front door, past the barn, and out to the paddock where the majority of our stock was able to feed and exercise on their own accord.  Although I’d never seen the mares, I thought I’d be able to pick them out. They weren’t the only cutting horses we kept on the ranch but as I leaned against the top rail, I realized they could be down in the wash or behind the tall pines, hiding in plain sight.

From my vantage point, I couldn’t tell one darn horse from another.  Of course, there were pullin’ horses, always heavier than the cutters but still, I would need Pa to point them out to me later in the day.  There’d been no description other than what Mr. Chandler had said in his letter—fine cutting horses.  That’s all I knew before we’d left the ranch, not much to go on except his word as a friend of Pas.

The sun was just making its way over the horizon, blinding me from distinguishing anything in the pasture so I started back toward the house.  When I opened the door, Adam stood in front of the credenza, strapping on his gun belt.  “Where you headed this early?”  I asked.

A slow smile crossed my brother’s face.  “Nowhere.”

“But?“

“Pa thought you’d … um—“

“Run off?”

“Yeah.”

“No.  I think you have the wrong brother.  I ain’t the one leaving.”

“Why don’t you and I take a ride?”  Adam grabbed his hat and handed me mine.

“Where to?”

“Just around.”

“All right.”

It wasn’t long before Adam and I was riding the shore of Tahoe where the beach widened to at least thirty or forty feet of sand.  I gazed out over the lake as the early morning sun sparkled like diamonds on the crystal-clear water.  It was a sight I’d longed to see; its beauty awed me after the severe nothingness of the desert.

“Why don’t we rest the horses, Joe?”

Adam lifted the flap of his saddlebag and offered me a piece of jerky.  “No thanks,” I said.  “I seem to have lost my taste.

“Oh?”

“Hoss and I lived off the stuff for a long time.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t know.”

“It’s over now,” I said, taking in the tall pines, their slight movement, and their glorious smell.

“Is it?”

“Is it what?”

“Is it over now?”

The breeze coming across the lake was cool, and I pulled my jacket tighter around my neck as we led our mounts along the sandy shore.  “I was so hot for so long, I prayed for snow and cold but it never came.  Oh, maybe a dusting in the winter months, but nothing like here, nothing like the Ponderosa.”

“You’re home now and that’s all that matters, right?”

“Right.”  I forced an inner smile.  Adam was pushing for answers I still wasn’t ready to give.  “When do you think Hoss will leave?”

“He didn’t say.”  Adam kept moving forward.  He wasn’t looking at me or anything else.

“Soon, I guess.”

“Well, I suppose that’s for the best with the way things are.”  Adam’s voice was controlled and matter-of-fact.  “If he’s not happy here on the Ponderosa then …”

“It’ll kill Pa.”

“Things change, Joe.  Hoss has changed, and it’s his choice whether to stay or go.”

“But he’s leaving for all the wrong reasons,” I said, feeling a sturdy lump catch in my throat.

“Why do you say that?”

“I just know, okay?”

“I’ll talk to him,” Adam said.  “Maybe I can—“

I stopped and looked straight at my brother.  “What do you know about any of this?”

“More than you think.”

“Hoss talked to you?”

“Some.”

“And?”

“He’s hurtin’, Joe, and from what he said last night, he’s got good reason to leave.”

“Oh yeah?”  Now I was mad.  If Hoss was filling Adam’s head with a bunch of lies …  “Well, maybe I should set my overgrown brother straight on a few things.”

“It may be too late.  I think his mind’s made up.”

“No, it’s not,” I said, nearly shouting.  “He ain’t thinking straight.  His head’s all messed up inside.”

I waited for Adam to tell me different, but he chose to remain silent.  If Hoss were leaving on my account there’d never be peace in the family.  Hoss wouldn’t be happy anywhere else but here, and Pa would blame me for everything that went on this past year without having the facts, without knowing what it took to get us out of there.  “I gotta go.”  I mounted Cochise and rode off, leaving Adam standing alone by the lake.

Hoss

“Mornin’,” I said, seeing only Pa sittin’ at the breakfast table when I came through the kitchen after gatherin’ Hop Sing’s eggs and milkin’ Susie.

“Have you seen your brothers this morning?”

“Nope.”

“Hop Sing make Mr. Hoss nice breakfast.  Pancake with hot maple syrup.”

“Thanks, Hop Sing.  I’ll do my best.”

Sitting down to eat had become my least favorite part of the day.  Besides everyone watchin’ me, I couldn’t keep nothin’ down, and sometimes just the smell of food turned my stomach.  I hadn’t eaten meat for so long, it didn’t sit right no more. Mostly, we’d lived on bread and a meatless stew, at least most of us had.  Others were more privileged and ate chicken and steak and drank whiskey and wine.  My stomach began to seize up just thinking about them things what weren’t fair.

“Everything all right, son?”

Pa was worried, and it was my fault.  I remembered what Adam said the night before, and I redirected my uncalled-for attitude.  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I said.  “Just tryin’ to work up an appetite.”

“It takes time, son.  You’ll be back to your old self in no time.”

“You’re probably right,” I said, watching Pa drown his pancakes with hot syrup.

“I can’t imagine why your brothers took off so early this morning or where they would have gone.”

“I don’t know why you’re so all-fired worried,” I said, cutting through a pancake, but wishin’ the plate was already empty and I wasn’t bein’ watched all the time.  “They’ll take care of themselves just fine.”

“Oh, I’m sure they will.  I just—“

Pa and I looked up when the front door slammed into the credenza, and my little brother crossed the room in a fury.  “I wanna talk to you.”

“Not now, Joseph.”  No wonder I couldn’t eat with him bustin’ in and disruptin’ Pa’s and my peaceful existence.

“Now!”  Joe rounded the table and stood beside me.  “Will you excuse us, Pa.  You might not want to hear what I have to say.”

“What’s the meaning of this, Joseph?”  Pa said, standing up from his chair and meeting my brother head-on.

“This is between me and Hoss.  There are a few things we need to set straight.”

Pa glanced down at me, ‘cause I hadn’t moved a muscle before lookin’ back up at Joe. “All right.”  He threw his napkin on his plate, picked up his cup and saucer, and walked out the front door.

The last thing I wanted to do was sit here and talk to Joe.  Nothing he had to say would change a dad-blamed thing.  He could rattle on until doomsday, but my mind was made up.  I wasn’t living in this house with a brother I couldn’t trust.

With his fists pressed against his hips, Joe began pacing the room, back and forth until he finally stopped and pointed his finger right at my face.  “You think you know everything, don’t you?”

“I know enough.  Now, why don’t you be a good little boy and let me finish my breakfast.”  The kid was steaming mad.  I don’t know what he and Adam had been up to this early, but he sure was riled up over somethin’.

“You think it was all fun and games for me?  Is that what you think?  You have everything wrapped up in your mind in a neat little package.  Joe did this; Joe did that.  Joe did a lot of things, Hoss, but you’ve got the reasons all wrong.”

“Joseph, it’s over and done with.  Just leave it alone.”

“No, you’re gonna hear me out.  You’re not leaving this table until you have all the facts straight in your mind.”

The kid was pacing again.  It was almost comical to watch if’n he hadn’t been about ready to blow up inside.  He was ornery and sneaky; he might be able to con Pa with his little tricks, but I knew the real Little Joe, the conniving, underhanded brother who didn’t regard me as an equal.

“First off,” he said, “I didn’t do nothin’ you wouldn’t have done yourself to get us out of that place.”

“Right, Joe.  I enjoyed my time in the iron cage while you was sittin’ up on that hill havin’ steak and wine with that madman you called Father.”

“I had to do it, Hoss.  I had to put you in there.  Why don’t you get it?”

The kid was fuming, his face was red, and his eyes shot daggers into mine.  He leaned forward, placing one hand on the table and the other gripping the back of my chair.  I guess he thought he could cage me once again.

“I had to win him over, Hoss.  I had to use you to do it.”

“Well, little brother, you did a fine job of gettin’ what you wanted.”

Joe turned his back on me, but only for a moment before he was back in my face, shouting.  “How else was I going to free us, Hoss?  How else was I going to ride out and tell the soldiers what was going on in that hellhole?  I had to win Father’s trust. It was the only way.”

“You what?”

“You heard me.”

I let out a long breath and thought about what Joe had said.  Had he been the one who’d brought the troops or were these just more lies, more convenient tales to smooth things over now that we were home, and he wanted to look good in Pa’s eyes?

“Don’t you see, Hoss?  I had to work my way into Father’s good graces.  I had to make him trust me more than he trusted Montoya.  I had to become his right-hand man.  I had to put you in that box so he’d know I was faithful only to him and no one else.

“You lying to me, Joe?”

“God, Hoss.  What do I have to say to convince you?”

“I don’t know.  Right now, I ain’t too convinced about nothin’ you say.”

“I know you’re not, but it’s the truth, all of it, everything I’ve said is the God’s honest truth.  I had no other choice; I had to make Father believe I’d turned on you.  It was the only way I could prove he meant more to me than you.”

“You ain’t the one who spent three days in that box without food and barely any water,” I said, my voice becoming louder with each word I spoke.  “You ain’t the one who was treated like an animal.  No—Joe Cartwright rode on top of an animal and played God with other men’s lives.”

Joe backed off and wiped his hands down his face so only his eyes showed above his fingertips.  Maybe he was drumming up more lies because so far, I wasn’t believing nothin’ he had to say.

“I watched you ride out of camp,” I said, although quieter this time.  “Know what that did to me, knowing you was leaving me behind?”

Joe glanced at the front door, and I waited for him to bolt, to give up telling his lies and leave me be.

“I looked for you that morning,” he said turning back to face me.

“You didn’t look real hard cuz I saw you, and I weren’t more’n a few yards away.”

“You were?”

“I was.”

How was Joe gonna get out of this one?  I’d just picked up a canvas bag we’d all piled in an empty wagon the night before.  I watched him from behind as he looked up the mountain.  He never turned my way.  He never saw me staring right at him.

“Just let me say one more thing, Hoss.”

I wasn’t givin’ him the satisfaction of lookin’ up; I studied my cold pancakes.  I told him I didn’t care, what more did he want from me?  I was smarter now; I wasn’t as easy to fool.  I didn’t plan on livin’ the rest of my life pretending nothin’ had changed between us because everything had.  We may have been brothers once, maybe even best friends, but them days were in the past.

“I never lied to you before,” Joe said barely above a whisper, “and I’m not lyin’ now.”

I glanced up at his face.  He’d sounded sincere, even tears glistened in his eyes, but I knew better.  I’d seen him use them tricks before, and I wasn’t falling for the same devices he’d used on Pa since he was just a little kid.  I wasn’t a pushover no more.  I’d learned a few things over the past year, and gullible Hoss died the day his little brother turned his back and rode away from Mule’s Crossing.

Apparently, the conversation was over, and with his head hanging down and his shoulders slumped forward, Joe crossed the room and picked his hat up off the credenza where he’d thrown it down earlier.  He took a quick look over his shoulder, waiting for me to say something, but I had nothing to say.  He closed the front door behind him.

Pa and Adam strolled back into the house soon after Joe had left.  Hop Sing brought out fresh pancakes and platters of bacon and ham, and for the first time in a long time, I thought maybe I could eat.  I’d said my piece, and it felt good.  Let Joe rot in his own kinda hell.  It was exactly what he deserved.

~~~

An empty stall was the first thing I saw when I walked into the barn.  Joe had taken off to who knows where.  He was like that sometimes; I guess we all were.  Time alone gave a man time to think things out, and maybe he’s finally seeing my side of the story.  Maybe he finally realized what he’d done to me and why I wasn’t fallin’ for his tricks no more.

Pa always said keepin’ busy was good for a man’s soul.  I grabbed the rake and cleaned out Cochise’s stall first.  Later, I’d turn all the horses out into the paddock and finish mucking the rest of the barn.  I could rake and think at the same time; I didn’t have to run away to do my thinking.

Thoughts was pushing their way into my head like waves, lapping on the shoreline, one not finished before the next one came rushing in.  I blinked back the tears that threatened to spill.  I’d learned to hate, and I’d never hated no one my entire life but now, I hated my own brother.  I’d been lost for so long, lost and afraid, and I didn’t want no one else knowin’ how hardened my heart had become.

Ben

Joseph left the ranch nearly three weeks ago.  He’d left no note; he’d told no one of his plans to be away this long.  He simply saddled his horse and rode out.  Earlier that day, he had asked me to leave the room so he could discuss matters privately with his brother.  I’d honored his request; I’d even had a long talk with Hoss after the fact, but Joe’s disappearance was unexpected, and Hoss wouldn’t reveal any more than necessary when I asked what they’d talked about.  Adam and I were still in the dark as far as gaining insight into the past year’s events, and whenever I pressed Hoss for details, he begged me not to ask any more questions.

“Ain’t no more to be said on the subject, Pa.  One of us had to leave.  I’d planned to be the one, but it seems Joe took that away from me too.  I’m sorry it has to be this way; I’m sorry Joe left ‘cause I know you’ll miss him somethin’ fierce.”

“Hoss, I won’t miss Little Joe any more than I would have missed you had you been the one to run off.  I don’t know what’s gotten into either of you, and it seems as though I’ll never know the truth behind the dilemma we’re facing now.”

“This ain’t a dilemma, Pa.  It is what it is and ain’t nothin’ you or no one else can do to change things.”

“I don’t find your sentiment very brotherly, son.”

“Joe and me ain’t brothers no more.  We’re two grown men who’ve gone our separate ways.  It’s the way things gotta be, Pa.  I’m sorry you and Adam got stuck in the middle.  That weren’t fair and again, I’m sorry for that.”

“The middle of what?”  I was so mad at both of my sons, my heart was racing and my voice was rising.  “Neither of you will talk.  You’ve both moped around this house since we returned home, and I’ve had just about enough.”

“So have I, Pa.”

Hoss stood and crossed the room, strapped on his gun, and walked out the front door.  I was still overcome by his weight loss but over the past few weeks, his overall appearance had improved tenfold.  His face showed color, the gray shadows under his eyes had disappeared and his cheeks weren’t as sunken as when Adam and I had first seen him.  But, I’d never felt as lost as I did standing beside this grand fireplace, watching my second son walk out the door of this house.  The bonds that had held this family together for so many years were broken, and the desire to put things right was fading as days passed.

Over the years, I’d tried to instill honor and trust between my sons.  I’d told them more than once that, as a family, we could conquer the world together.  If we stood alongside one another, we were a formidable alliance against evildoers or obstacles that stood in our way.

One very selfish man had taken a year of my sons’ lives.  The time spent away had taken its toll and had stripped each young man of my teachings.  Hoss was lost and had let hatred enter his soul.  Joseph was lost and riddled with guilt.  Changes had occurred, and I was plagued day and night as to how to handle the situation.  My sons weren’t children any longer.  I couldn’t sit them down and tell them to behave or tan them both although the thought had crossed my mind.

I began walking away from the hearth, but my breathing suddenly faltered, and I steadied myself against my high-backed chair.  The sunlit room began to dim, and I staggered, placing a second hand alongside the first.  I gasped for air and felt a thickening inside my head and chest just before my legs became weak and unexpectedly, my knees buckled, and my feet went out from under me.

Adam

After a well-deserved night on the town, I returned home, and once I rolled up my gun belt and threw my hat on the credenza, I called out to Pa.  The lamp burned next to his chair, but he was nowhere in sight.  The fire wasn’t banked, leading me to believe he was somewhere about; I called out once again.

With still no answer, an eerie feeling crept through me like a winter chill against my bones.  I walked toward the hearth seeking warmth from the low-burning fire.  There, I saw my father.  He lay on his side, fully dressed, still breathing but unconscious.  “Pa—Pa!”  My strident voice was the only sound in the room and still, there was silence.

I stood alone, no brothers to share the burden.  I left my father alone and ran out the front door to the bunkhouse, forced to wake one of our ranch hands for the grueling night ride into town.  And when I returned, Hop Sing was just coming out of his room.  “It’s Pa,” I said hastily.

My father hadn’t moved, and only the crackling fire showed across his face, gray with death.  “I’ve sent for the doc,” I said.  “Help me get him upstairs.”

His arms and legs were limp and while I reached under his arms, Hop Sing lifted his booted feet, and we managed to get him up the stairs and stretched him out on his bed.  “That’s enough for now.  We’ll let Paul take it from here.”

Hop Sing may have heard me, but he insisted on pulling Pa’s boots off and removing his belt while I started a fire to warm the room.  And when I returned to my father’s bedside, Hop Sing had covered him with two heavy quilts from the foot of the bed.

It seemed like hours before the doctor arrived.  He asked Hop Sing and me to leave him alone while he examined Pa.  And when he was finished, he summoned the two of us, and we managed the dead weight of my father, removing his remaining clothes and making him as comfortable as possible in the bed.

“Where are your brothers?”  Paul asked as he rolled down his sleeves and fastened the cufflinks through his pressed white shirt.  “Adam?” he repeated when I didn’t answer right away.

I sighed heavily.  “I don’t know.”

Paul’s head popped up, a questioning look sprang from his narrowed eyes.  “Don’t know?”

Again, I released an exaggerated breath.  “You heard right, Doc.  I have no idea.”  An explanation was mandatory, and so I enlightened the doctor.  After we’d made ourselves comfortable at the dining room table, Hop Sing had set out coffee and a plate of sugar-coated donuts before he’d headed into the tiny room to sit with my father.  I spoke of the trouble regarding my two brothers and how the upset had affected Pa.

“You probably already know what I’m about to say, don’t you, Adam?”

“I have a fairly good idea.”

“I’ll talk to Harriet Guthrie in the morning and see if she’s available while you’re away.  I have no doubt she’ll help out.”

I leaned my elbows on the table and stared at Paul.  “I can’t leave my father like this.”

“Adam, if your brothers don’t return, I’m afraid Ben won’t have reason to either.”

God, I knew Doc was right, but I was torn between leaving my father alone and searching for both brothers when I didn’t have a clue where to begin.  But Paul wasn’t leaving this matter up for debate.  I nodded my head.  “You’re right.  I’ll leave as soon as Mrs. Guthrie arrives.”

~~~

I rode out late the following afternoon.  Paul had brought Harriet out to the house so he could explain my father’s condition and give her the needed instructions and medications. I could see the look in Hop Sing’s eyes as the good doctor explained in detail what needed to be done.  Our cook wasn’t happy.  He wanted to be the one in charge, not an outsider.

I didn’t have time to soothe his ruffled feathers completely although I did my best with the precious amount of time I had left before the sun set and another full day would be wasted.  “I’m sorry it has to be this way, Hop Sing, but I have no choice. This is what Paul wants for Pa and what he thinks is best.  Please bear with us for now.”

“I do as Mr. Adam want but Hop Sing do better job than cranky old lady.”

“Yes, I’m sure you could, but I don’t have time to argue.  Are the supplies ready?”

“All ready.  Three-day supply just like you ask.”

“Thank you, Hop Sing.”

“You bring brothers home second time.  Father not get well until brothers quit foolishness and understand importance of family.”

~~~

I rode non-stop through the evening hours, thinking back to what Hop Sing had said just before I’d left the house.  With few words, he’d summed up everything in a neat little package.  You’re right, Hop Sing.  You’re right about most things we tend to drag out and mull over for much too long.  Foolishness …

I wasn’t looking for tracks; Joe’s would be gone by now, and Hoss knew how to hide his if he didn’t want to be found.  So, with our line shacks spread nearly ten miles apart, I figured I’d try them first.  I’d been to Virginia City just the other day to pick up supplies though I didn’t see hide or hair of Joe, even when I’d checked the livery for his mount.  So, exploring Ponderosa land was the next best thing.

My back ached, my head throbbed, and I was tired of the drama my brothers had created. Riding any farther was out of the question, and I would have to give up tonight’s search and sleep in the next cabin I came to.  Tomorrow was another day although, with my father sick in bed, every minute became more crucial and like always, I was left holding the bag.

I eased my leg over Sport’s back and led him to the lean-to on the far side of the log cabin where … my brother’s horse stood bobbing his head and nickering at his stablemate.  Even if I had a mind to, I was too tired to laugh.  One down and one to go.  Maybe this wouldn’t be as difficult as I’d first thought.

After I loosened the cinch, I reached up for the blanket and saddle, but when I heard a gun cock behind me, I froze in place.  Turning my head slowly and looking over my shoulder, I stared at the tall, white hat and rounded blue eyes.  “Gonna shoot or put that thing away before someone gets hurt?”

“I thought you was a bandit or something.  Why you sneaking up on me like this?”

“I wasn’t sneaking,” I said roughly.  “I was hoping for a place to sleep.”

“Huh?”

“Help me with Sport.  We need to talk.”

~~~

Hoss was eager to ride back to the house, but I finally convinced him that tomorrow morning would be soon enough.  Pa wasn’t going anywhere, and between Mrs. Guthrie and Hop Sing, he was in capable hands.

“Only one of us can ride home tomorrow,” I said.

“One?”

“Yes, Hoss,” I said sarcastically.  “There’s still a missing brother.”

“Oh, yeah.”

Even with the weight loss, Hoss was still a big man, and the two wooden chairs in the line shack were small and delicate.  He adjusted himself in the seat, leaned forward, and dropped his elbows to his knees.  “Which one of us goes home?”

“I’ll let you decide.”

Hoss looked away before he stood and opened the cabin door.  He extended both arms, pressed either side of the wooden frame, and stared out into the darkness.  His body language said it all; it was a hard decision for him to make.  “You go on home, Adam.  I’ll find Joe.”

“You sure?”

His head bobbed up and down, but I couldn’t see his face.  I couldn’t see his eyes or hear his hidden thoughts.  “I’m sure,” he replied.

“Let’s get some sleep.  Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day.”

Hoss had packed his meager belongings and had left the cabin before I woke the following morning.  I rode home to be with my father.

Hoss

If’n I had any sense, I would have asked Adam where he’d already looked for me and Little Joe.  I rode into Virginia City first and stopped in to see the sheriff.  Roy was very good at keeping an eye on things in his town.  If Joe was here or had been here recently, Roy Coffee would have been the first to know.

“Ain’t seen him since Ben and Adam found you boys.  I did see Adam the other day parked down by the feed and seed, but he seemed in an awful hurry.”

“Guess Little Joe ain’t been here,” I said.

“I barely recognized you, Hoss.  If it weren’t for that hat—“

“I know.  Hop Sing’s doin’ his best to fatten me up some.”  I didn’t need to hear nothin’ about my appearance, not even from Roy Coffee, and I let it pass as best I could.  “Say, Roy, if’n you see Little Joe, tell him it’s important he gets hisself home.”

“Any trouble?”

I knew Roy would find out so I told him what I knew.  “Pa’s sick in bed, and none of us is exactly sure where Joe is, but I ain’t got time to stand around talkin’ so if’n you see him—“

“I’ll send the boy home.  Don’t you worry none, Hoss.  If Little Joe’s in town, I’ll find him.”

I pulled Chubby’s reins from the rail and mounted.

“Tell your pa—“

“I will.  Thanks.”

I rode my horse slowly down C Street not knowing which way to turn.  I could ride down to Carson or Genoa, I could check more line shacks or I could stop in at the Silver Dollar, have a beer, and talk to Bruno.  That became my plan, not a good one, but I hadn’t had a beer in over a year’s time, and if Joe had been in town, this was the first place he’d come.  Pa was in safe hands with Adam so why couldn’t I spare five minutes just for ol’ Hoss.  I tied Chubby out front and headed inside the saloon.

“Hoss?  Hoss Cartwright, is that you?”

I smiled at Bruno and shook his hand.  “It’s me all right.”

“Hot damn.  Good to see you.  Bet you need a beer.”

“Sure do.”

“Here’s one on the house,” Bruno said, handing me the coldest beer he could muster.  “Hey?  Where’s Little Joe?”

“I’s hopin’ you could tell me.”

“No, ain’t seen him since you boys got back.  Is he missing again already?”

“Well, sort of.”

“Hey, Jimmy,” Bruno called to a young fella sippin’ beer at the end of the bar.  “You seen Little Joe Cartwright?”

“Nope.”

“I have,” came a voice from across the room.

I started toward a table with four men playing poker and drinking shots of whiskey. “You seen my little brother?”

“Sure did,” the man said without looking up from his cards.  “Over Carson way.”

“When?”  

“Just yesterday.”

“How do you know Little Joe?”

“Don’t really,” he said.  “Met him playing cards.”

“Oh, well, thanks,” I said and walked back to the bar.

“Hey, big man,” the fella called out.  I turned and looked over my shoulder.  “That brother of your’n.  He didn’t look so good.”

“What’s that mean?”

“I dunno,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.  “Means he didn’t look so good.”

The old Hoss might have picked the man up by his shirtfront and asked a few more questions, but the new Hoss didn’t have the energy or the time to waste.  “Thanks, Bruno.”  I set my glass on the bar and walked out the batwing doors.  I was off to Carson City.

Joe had been gone a few weeks now, and I wondered whether he’d holed up in Carson all that time.  He didn’t have no friends down there, at least none I knew of, so he’d have to be staying in some hotel, and I was surprised he had enough money with him to afford the luxury. ‘Course the fella said he met him playin’ poker, so maybe Joe had a decent winnin’ streak, providin’ him with needed funds.

Carson was a fast-growing town surrounded with nothin’ more’n sagebrush and greasewood, not a tree in sight.  The boardwalks creaked as my boot heels beat along the sun-weathered wood.  There were white-frame stores and new brick buildings going up, but for a square of land held out in the middle by a man named Curry, thinking if Nevada became a state, this would be a darn good place for the capital. Guess I didn’t care one way or the other.

I ran my finger down the registry of The Warm Springs Hotel, but there weren’t no Joe Cartwright registered.  I described Little Joe to the clerk behind the counter, and he shook his head but before I left, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.  “Any other place to say here in town?”

“Well,” he said, clearing his throat.  “There’s Mrs. Beaumont’s Boarding House although she usually takes in a higher caliber of … I mean she—“

“I understand.”  I hadn’t bathed or shaved in a couple of days, and I s’pose I looked like some rag-a-muffin to a man who sported a suit and tie.  “Anywhere else a fella with not much cash would hole up?”

“There’s the Noble House.  They take in transients and … men without—“

“I gotcha.  Where can I find this … Noble House?”

The clerk gave me directions; I thanked him and got out of his lobby as quick as I could. Next to the livery on the far side of town was a wooden sign with letters barely visible on the weathered plaque above the front door.  Noble House.  It was nothing more than a flat-roofed barn with two rows of beds, five to a side.  I didn’t see hide nor hair of Joe, in fact, the building appeared empty ‘except for a colored man sweepin’ trash up off the floor.

“Excuse me,” I said, and the man stopped to look up.  “Any other rooms here for sleepin’?”

“Yep,” he said and went back to pushing his broom.  I was about to ask my next question, but he volunteered a decent answer before I could open my mouth to speak.  “Two more rooms in back.  They got doors with locks and cost ya double.  Man still sleepin’ in one of ‘em but the other one’s free.”

“This man.  Is he a young man … wears a green jacket?”

“Why ya wanna know?”

“He’s my brother.”

The man looked unconvinced.  “Don’t look like brothers to me.”

“Yeah, well, that’s true enough, but we are.  His name’s Joe.”

“That’s the boy’s name all right.  Ain’t seen ‘im for a couple of days now.  Don’t reckon he’s alone neither.”

“Huh?”

“Lady friend,” he said kinda irritable like.  “He’s got a lady friend in there with him.  You deef?”

“Yeah … no, I heard ya.”

“Well?”

“Which room?”  

“One on your left.”

I gave the old man a dime for his trouble, stepped over his broom, and walked to the back of the larger room.  When I tapped on the door, no one answered.  Slowly, I turned the tarnished nob.  The door wasn’t locked, but the powerful stench nearly knocked me off my feet.  The smell of stale whiskey and unclean bodies poured from the tiny room.  A yellowed window shade was pulled to the sill, and a lamp burned low next to the bed.  I raised the wick although it might have been best had I left it alone. What I saw next was two naked bodies lying face down on a narrow cot-like bed with sheets rumpled and lying half on the floor.  I cleared my throat.

The woman lifted her head and stared, blinking repeatedly before wiping her hand across her eyes, smearing the black soot she used to decorate her lashes.  Realizing I was a stranger and I didn’t belong in the room, she quickly grabbed the fallen sheet to cover herself properly. “Who … who are you?”

“Time for you to leave, ma’am,” I said calmly.  “Time to gather up them clothes and get out.  I’ll step outside while you get dressed.”

When the woman rushed past me in her rumpled saloon clothes, callin’ my little brother a worthless piece of trash, I wondered what she considered herself.  “He promised me a twenty-dollar gold piece, and he ain’t got nothin’; not one thin dime.”

“Sorry ‘bout that, ma’am.”

“Sure ya are.  Everybody’s sorry.”

My brother was sprawled across the bed, taking up the empty space after the woman cleared out.  His knuckles was cut and bruised and on the part of his face that showed in the lamplight, his cheek hadn’t fared too well either.  His clothes had been flung on the floor; his empty wallet lay there too.  I raised the shade and lifted the window, letting in the afternoon sun and a breath of fresh air.  This was the last of the line; the last place a man could find a bed with a roof over his head. Only the iron cage at Mule’s Crossing was worse than this place.

This is where a man came to die.  When hope was lost, when he had nowhere else to turn; when he’d given up on life, on family, on everything that meant anything.  This was my little brother, who I’d watched over for the entire nineteen years of his life, ‘ceptin’ for one.  Through broken bones and heartaches, I’d cared for him without askin’ nothin’ in return.  I swallowed the lump in my throat before a subtle moan caught my attention and brought me back to the present.  

I flipped Joe over on his back.  He raised his arm to cover his eyes from the powerful ray of light landing straight on the bed from the open window.  His right hand searched for the sheet, but it was hanging too far off the bed out of reach.

“Get up,” I said, bumping my leg hard against the side of the narrow cot.  Joe tried to roll away from the sound and the disruption, but I grabbed his arm and held him flat on the bed.  “Get up, Joseph.”

“Hoss?”

“Get up.”

“Go away.”  He thought he could roll away, and I’d magically disappear.

“Get dressed.  It’s time to go.”

“You go,” he said, still trying to break the hold I had on his arm.

“I ain’t leavin’ here without ya, and I ain’t a patient man, so get your filthy carcass movin’ before I fling ya over my shoulder and drag ya out of this dump without no clothes at all.”

Joe finally rolled into a sitting position and, realizing he was buck-naked, he reached again for the sheet.  “Why are you here?  How did you find me?”

“It don’t matter.  Get dressed and let’s go.”

His eyes was half-closed and his hair sprung every which way before falling across his forehead in a tangled mess.  The smell of soured whiskey seeped from his pores and a polished sheen of sweat glistened across his face and neck.

In my way of thinking, Joe deserved everything he got, but as I gazed down at what was left of my youngest brother, I felt somethin’ I hadn’t felt for a long time.  Protective.  I was saddened by what I saw, what he’d let his life become.  Drinkin’ anything he could find and fightin’ anyone who got in his way.

We saw life differently, him and me.  While I longed for quiet solitude on the land I called home, Joe needed people surrounding him, even if they were barroom scum and over-the-hill women, he didn’t never want to be alone.

I picked his pants up off the floor and threw them across his lap.  “Come on.  Get dressed.”  I stood patiently and watched him do as I asked, pants, shirt, and boots.  His jacket and gun belt were draped over a wooden chair.  “Here,” I said.  “Finish up and let’s go.”

He never once asked why I was taking him outta that place.  He never said a word.  I held onto his arm and dragged him next door to the livery, but that’s when any movement stopped.  “I ain’t going nowhere with you,” he said.  He leaned his worn-out body against his horse and didn’t move.  I pushed him away, saddled both Chubby and Cochise and told him to mount up.  “Ain’t going.”

I’d manhandled the boy before, and I weren’t past doing it again.  He bucked and flopped like a fish outta water when I grabbed him up from behind.  His arms was flailing and he called me every name in the book as I hoisted him onto the saddle.

“You stay put or I’ll tie you belly down, you ornery little cuss.” I eased Cooch out of the narrow stall.  I kept hold of the reins, seein’ how Joe had enough to contend with just hangin’ on to the horn and centerin’ hisself in the saddle.  If this is what it took to get him home, I was the right man for the job.  I pulled out a few coins and handed them to the smithy, who was about ready to sell Joe’s horse since he hadn’t been paid.  We rode out together.

~~~

Although we weren’t far from home, I was in a hurry to see Pa.  I hadn’t told Joe why, and I’m not sure what kept me from blurting out the truth about Pa’s condition, but I’d kept it a secret.  He’d asked more than once after he’d sobered up and come to his senses, and even though Adam had explained in detail everything the doc had told him, I hadn’t let on to Joe.

I was to blame; Joe was too and in his fragile state, I wasn’t sure if he’d bolt or ride along peacefully so I didn’t take a chance by telling him.  He would know soon enough whether Pa was still alive or not.  A few more miles and we’d both have the answer to that question.

I was surprised he didn’t fight me on this after all the lies he’d tried to put past me only to ease his own conscience.  I’ve studied long and hard over what he said the last time we talked to each other, the morning before he rode out and decided not to come back.  It was just like Joe to sulk and make a mess of his life until someone dragged him back home and smothered him with attention, enough so he’d stay put.

Seeing how he was still in one piece was a miracle, knowing how he’d abused hisself over these last few weeks.  The truth will set you free, Joseph.  Of course, I said nothin’ like that, but it was hoverin’ in the back of my mind all the same.  If’n he’d just come clean, but that wasn’t Joe.  He was determined to keep telling his lies, to keep the past hidden from Pa and Adam.

When we crested the hill and looked down on the house and outbuildings, there was no movement; no ranch hands in the yard, only a gentle breeze pushing its way through the trees. There’d been no earthy smells in the desert, only dust and heat, and when I breathed in the heavenly scent of pine, its freshness, its glory, I wondered if’n I should tell Joe about Pa. But when I squinted my eyes and looked closer, I saw a visitor’s buggy parked outside the house.

Joe, who was fully conscious now, turned in his saddle and stared straight at me. “Why’d you bring me here?”

I hesitated before I spoke.  “Things have changed, Joseph.”

“Things?  What things?”

I saw a fresh look in his eyes, a hopeful look, but was I ready to make peace?  Was that what he thought this was all about?  Was I ready to forget the past so the family could survive?  I gazed at the tops of the trees—my home—Joe’s home—my father’s dream, which had become my dream too but no, I wasn’t ready.

“Let’s go.”

~~~

“You found him?”

“Sure did,” I said, shaking Adam’s hand.  “Found ‘im down Carson way.”  Not only had my brother come out of the front door as Joe and I rode up, Doc’s buggy was hitched to the rail. “How is he?”

“Holding his own,” Adam said.

Joe was a bit like dynamite.  Calm until somebody struck a match and the explosion took away half a mountain.  “Who’s holdin’ his own?” he asked.  “What’s going on, Adam?”

“You didn’t tell him?”

“Nope,” I said.  “Figured he’d find out soon enough.”

“What?  Is it Pa?”  Joe’s eyes grew round and his nostrils flared—the match was lit.  “Tell me, Adam.  Is it Pa?”

Adam glanced up at me and then his eyes met Joe’s.  “Maybe you should clean yourself up some before you—“

“It’s Pa, ain’t it?”

“Easy, Joe.”  Adam reached out to steady my little brother, but Joe turned on a dime, and his left fist bashed across my jaw.

“I hate you, Hoss.  I hate you.”

The explosion was quick and deliberate, but the mountain didn’t cave, only a meager rockslide leaving no permanent damage.  I rubbed the side of my face with my fingertips, wondering how many more times the dynamite would ignite before the day was out?

Adam

“I see nothing’s changed,” I said to Hoss as he rubbed the soreness from his jaw.

“Dang fool.  Know where I found him?”

“Do I really want to know?”

“I best settle the horses,” Hoss said, picking up Chub’s reins.  I untied Cochise from the rail, and we walked toward the barn together.  “Dang fool kid,” Hoss mumbled a second time.

Joe had rushed straight into the house, not even stopping to rinse off in the trough. He smelled like hell, but Hoss and I both knew what Pa meant to Joe.  Not that we cared any less about our father’s well-being, but there’d always been something rather unique between Pa and his youngest son.

I kept my thoughts to myself while I groomed my young brother’s horse, and Hoss fiddled mechanically with Chub.  It seemed like a lifetime since anything about our lives had been normal.  My brothers were home, but for how long?  It’s obvious they hadn’t made amends.

“I found him lyin’ naked in a room no bigger’n this stall, Adam.  He smelled of whiskey and sickness and … and some over-the-hill whore … woman had just cleaned him out and left him nothing but his clothes.  He could’ve been beaten to death or worse in a place like that, but he didn’t care.  He don’t care about nothin’.”

“Maybe we should wait and let Joe explain.”

I considered what Hoss had said and the tone he used to describe Joe’s unsafe surroundings. I heard fury, but I also heard sadness, and I knew Hoss still cared and not all was lost.  He may not say it outright but in his heart, he was grieving what had once been a true friendship between brothers.

“Guess the ride home was pretty miserable?”

Hoss turned and glared at me.

“I’m sorry.  Just asking.”

“How’s Pa really?”

“First things first, Hoss.”

“What’s that mean?”

I leaned over Cochise’s back, still holding the brush in my hand.  “Ever wonder why you found Joe in that condition?”

“Cause he’s a dang fool, that’s why.”

“Come on, Hoss.  You know better.”

“No, I don’t.  You’re so smart, why don’t you tell me?”

“I could use a drink,” I said, hoping the walk to the house would ease Hoss up a bit.

“No.  Say your piece now, Adam.  Tell me what’s eatin’ at that overworked brain of yours?”

“Okay,” I said, quickly trying to select the right words.  “So far, I’ve only heard your side of the story.  Joe hasn’t said a word; he may never open up and tell us what happened at Mule’s Crossing so why don’t you give me a detailed account?”

“He don’t talk cause they’d all be lies, that’s why, and I ain’t about to tell you or Pa what a traitor our little brother is.  He made his bed, and I’m done with him.”

My God.  I’d always thought Joe was mule-headed, but Hoss could be just as stubborn when he got his hackles up.

“You’ve seen Joe like this before … maybe not naked and broke, but there have been times in that kid’s life when he feels no one believes him, no one takes him seriously or takes his side.”

“He’s just poutin’, Adam, poor innocent Joe.  Well, no more poor Little Joe for me.”

“Why do you think he agreed to ride back with you from Carson?”

“Cause he’s broke,” Hoss said assuredly.  “Cause he didn’t have nowhere else to go.”

I took a deep breath and continued.  “He would have found a way,” I said.  “He may be young, but he’s resourceful.”

“Fine then.  He wanted to see Pa.”

“But you never told him about Pa.”

“Dadburnit, Adam.  What are you tryin’ to say?”

“Julia Bulette.”

“Huh?  What about her?”

My, God.  He was as thick as a brick today.  “Remember when we found Joe in the saloon, drinking alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Remember why he was there?”

“I s’pose.”

“Let me refresh your memory,” I said slowly and calmly.  I stepped away from Cochise, laid the brush on the half wall, and crowded inside the stall with Hoss and Chub.  “Because someone he cared for, someone he loved turned him away, had no use for him any longer.  He’d done nothing wrong.  He’d given away his heart, and that same heart was trampled for no … good … reason.”  Did I have to spell it out?

Hoss stared over my head; his blue eyes glistened.  “You think it’s all my fault?  You think I done him wrong?”

“I think you were beaten down so far that you were blinded to the truth.  This is Joe we’re talking about, Hoss.  His heart breaks easily; he takes rejection hard.  While you find peace in the solitude of nature, Joe drowns himself in a bottle.  Do you really think, deep down in your heart,” I enunciated every word slowly, “Joe would ever leave you behind?  And now, he has no one to turn to, Hoss.  He’s lost his best friend.”

My brother relaxed his firm stance, but I continued my little speech.  “How did you get to Pigeon’s ranch?”

“I walked,” he said after clearing his throat.

“But when you couldn’t walk any farther.  When you were so exhausted you couldn’t take another step, how did Pigeon find you in that field?  You were belly down.  How did he see you in the tall grass?”

“I don’t know.  I passed out or somethin’.  I don’t remember.”

“Well, I do know what happened.”  I was so upset with Hoss that I could barely get the words out.  “Because someone was sitting next to you.  Because someone wouldn’t leave your side until help arrived.  Who was that person, Hoss?  Who cared enough to stay with his big brother, to die right alongside you?  Who didn’t want to go on living without you?  Who?”  I nearly shouted.

~~~

When Hoss walked out of the barn, his shoulders slumped forward, and his eyes were aimed toward the ground. Repeatedly, he hit his hat against the side of his leg; I knew I’d struck a chord.  But I wanted nothing to do with him; I wanted nothing to do with either of them.  I was tired, too tired to live like this any longer.

When I finally ventured upstairs, Joe was kneeling at my father’s bedside, and Hoss was leaning against the far wall observing the two without interrupting their time together.  Joe held my father’s hand to the side of his face, and I could hear him muttering words, more of a litany quietly spoken.

Paul Martin fastened the leather buckle on his bag and reached for his suit coat before patting Joe on the shoulder.  “I’ll stop by again tomorrow, son.”  The doc nodded at Hoss and walked toward the doorway where I stood.  I followed him down the stairs.

“How’s he doing?”  I asked.

“About the same, Adam.  His heartbeat seems stronger than yesterday but as you can see, he’s not out of the woods yet.  I’ve told Mrs. Guthrie she’s no longer needed.  She’ll be leaving with me.”

“I guess that’s the best we can hope for at this stage.”

“Well, having those two boys home might encourage Ben to wake up.  Of course, I can’t say for sure.”  I nodded.  Doc and I both knew what had caused the attack, even if the words weren’t spoken aloud.  “Keep pushing liquids,” Paul said, “and pray for a miracle.”

“Stubborn, mule-headed,” I mumbled.  When Paul smiled but held back a laugh, I returned a smile of my own.  “You better keep your bag handy, Doc.  I may be the next in line.”

“Well, let’s hope not.  One sick party in this household is plenty.”

“Thanks, Paul.  I know you’ve done everything possible.”

Mrs. Guthrie had gathered her things, came down the stairs, and stood alongside the doctor. “I hope you boys know what you’re doing,” she said.

“We’ll take care of him, but your help has been invaluable,” I said.  “Thank you.”

Mrs. Guthrie leaned forward and whispered in my ear.  “I suggest Joseph takes a bath.”

“I’ll see to it, ma’am.”

“See that you do.”

“I’ll be out tomorrow,” Paul said.  “Take turns tonight, but someone needs to be with Ben.  Don’t leave him alone.”

“That won’t be a problem.”

I saw Paul and Harriet to the door before I spoke to Hop Sing who came darting out of the kitchen like a wild banshee.  “Time woman go,” he said.  “She try running Hop Sing out of kitchen all time.  She not welcome.”

“She’s gone.”  I patted the Chinaman’s shoulder.  “The kitchen’s yours.”

“Good.  No room for woman in Hop Sing kitchen.”

“Yes, I know.”  My patience was growing thinner by the minute.

“Supper ready half hour.  You tell brothers clean up before come Hop Sing table.”

“I will.”

And he was gone, and I was too tired to climb back up the stairs.  I flopped down in Pa’s chair, propped both feet on the table, and lay my head back against the soft leather.  If I wasn’t careful, I’d fall asleep, but there wasn’t time for sleep, and even though I felt myself relax, I couldn’t give in.  Clean my brothers, eat supper, watch over Pa, the list never ended, and there were times I, too, wanted to run away, but the possibility of that happening was…

~~~

One, two, three, four five, six … The chiming jolted me awake, and the smell of fresh-brewed coffee alerted my senses to a new day.  I blinked repeatedly and tried to focus on the clock across the room.  Six a.m.  I’d fallen asleep after all, sitting upright in my father’s chair.  I stood and rotated my shoulders, relieving the stiffness before stepping into Hop Sing’s kitchen for a cup of coffee.

“You see brothers first.  Then have coffee with breakfast.”

I should have argued, I should have demanded a mug to take with me instead; I turned and did as the Chinaman had asked.  I hauled myself up the stairs.  After sleeping in my clothes and boots, I wanted to strip down and sit in a hot tub, although remembering how Joe smelled when he rode in yesterday, he would definitely have first dibs on a bath.

I passed Joe’s room and then Hoss’.  I was surprised to find neither was sleeping or cleaning up or getting dressed.  Pa’s door stood wide open and there were voices softly speaking.  I stood in the doorway and wondered if I was dreaming or if what I saw was real.

With pillows propped behind him, my father was sitting up in bed, still pale, his hair disheveled, but he was alert and listening to Joe rattle on about something I couldn’t quite make out.

My father looked up and smiled and then lifted his hand from the bed and waved me over. Hoss turned in his chair and Joe, sitting on the bed next to Pa, motioned me into the room too.  My brothers had bathed, shaved, combed their hair, and each sported fresh, clean clothes.  Maybe I really was dreaming.

“Morning, brother,” Joe said.  “Look who’s awake.”

“I see.  Should you be sitting up?”  I asked my father.

“Should I not?”

My father’s voice was hoarse from lack of use, but he found the wit to question me with a touch of sarcasm.  His eyes glistened with the joy of having his family surround him, and I was reminded of years gone by when Joe would snuggle deep in Pa’s lap, telling of his day’s adventures.  I wondered if he’d done that last night if he and Hoss had come to terms, had fought the demons, and made peace with each other.  It certainly appeared they had, but I didn’t want to jump the gun.

It seemed much had transpired while I slept the night away.  A true sense of harmony filled my father’s room, and it appeared as though matters had been settled without any help or interference.  Maybe the road wasn’t paved with gold and maybe there would still be ruts and bumps, but there was a beginning, and that’s all anyone could ask.

My brothers spent a year in hell.  They each returned home damaged goods and in need of repair.  I heard Joe first and Hoss followed suit.  It was laughter, quiet, subdued, far from boisterous, but laughter all the same.

I rounded the bed and saw both of their faces clearer than I could from the doorway.  The hard edges and anger had faded for now.  Whether it was just a façade, a noble pretense they each acted out for Pa, I would never be sure.  Only time would tell, although my fingers were crossed, and maybe my prayers had been answered, not only for Pa but for our entire family.  When Pa looked up and winked, I smiled.  A subtle nod of his head assured me that not only he but my two brothers were also on the road to recovery.

“I don’t know about the rest of you, but I could sure use a hot cup of coffee.”

“Bring up the pot, big brother,” Joe said, winking at Hoss and thinking I wouldn’t see.

“What?”  I replied, forcing typical disdain at Joe’s request.  “Your legs broke?”

Pa closed his eyes and lay his head back against the pillows.  His lashes dipped to his cheeks, a smile touched his lips, and I knew our lives made sense once again.

The End

~~~

* I took liberty with the stage line and dynamite.  No stage traveled southwest from Virginia City, and dynamite hadn’t been invented yet.

9 – 2013