Anna

by jfclover

                

Chapter 1

“Eli Miller’s been murdered.”

Pa’s statement shocked me.  I knew Eli, and I knew his wife, Anna.  They were good people, good friends who’d been to our house for supper on several occasions.  Pa and Eli did business together.  We supplied lumber for his square sets and for the housing he built for his workers.  He was a kind and generous man and became one of the richest men on the Comstock.  Murder didn’t make sense.

“Apparently, he’d been out late, and when he walked through the front door of the mansion, he was shot dead.”

“Anna?”

“Oh, no.”  Pa must’ve realized how much the whole thing upset me and headed my way.  “Roy said she’d been blindfolded and tied to a dining room chair.”

“Was she hurt?”

Pa reached for my shoulder.  “No, but why don’t you pay her a visit.  I’m sure she could use a good friend.”

“Today?”

“No time like the present.”

“If you think that’s best, I’ll clean up and leave right now.”

The Millers lived well.  The gossips said they had more money than God, but they didn’t know Eli and Anna like we did.  They were a lovely couple.  Eli worked harder than most.  He invested well and made a small fortune in a short period.  I admired his fortitude.  So did Pa and the rest of the family, and the chatty bluebloods of Virginia City were a bunch of old biddies who had nothing better to do than spout lies about prominent people who didn’t run in the same social circles.  

Anna and Eli were better than that.  They didn’t put on airs.  They were down-to-earth people I liked very much, maybe too much.  Though Anna was younger than her husband, the most beautiful woman in the world, who took my breath away the first time we met, they seemed to fit well together.  Had the situation been different, had Eli not been in the picture, perhaps the lovely lady and I would’ve become a couple.  That’s something I’d never know; at least, that’s what I thought at the time.

I knocked on the large oak door of their two-story mansion that sat far away from the boisterous activity in town.  Virginia City was in its heyday, and the noise of pounding stamp mills could be deafening, but this far up the mountain, life was nearly as peaceful as the Ponderosa.  Cecelia, their longtime maid, answered the front door.

“Mr. Cartwright.”

“Is Mrs. Miller home?”

“Yessir.  Make yourself comfortable.  I get the missus right away.”

“Thanks, Cecelia.”

The Millers moved to Nevada just before war broke out in Tennessee.  “We were lucky to get out alive,” she’d say.  Eli tried not to roll his eyes at his wife’s dramatic rendition of their trip west, but I’d heard the story more than once.  Even when parts were exaggerated, I didn’t seem to mind.  Anna always told a gripping tale where excitement loomed at every turn in the road.  She thrived on the thrill life could provide.  She wasn’t one to sit around and watch the day go by.  She needed a purpose and often served on committees and planned social events.  She was an active, pretty woman whom I admired more than I should.    

Cecelia, the Miller’s housekeeper, came to Nevada with them.  Leaving her and Sissy, Anna’s personal maid, behind would’ve left the two young black women homeless and jobless, which Eli wouldn’t hear of.  He wasn’t that kind of man.  He cared for his staff in Tennessee, and he respected his Nevada mine workers.  He made their lives as decent as possible, and someone had the nerve to kill him.  I wish it made sense.

“Joe Cartwright!”

“Hi, Anna.”

The petite blonde circled her arms around my waist and pressed herself tight against me.  If only the bluebloods could see this, they’d really have something to talk about. Though I was embarrassed, I didn’t move a muscle.  It seemed she needed something or someone to hold on to, and I was available.  After realizing how she’d reacted, she stepped back and looked away.  She ran her hands down her skirt as if looking into my eyes would cement her sinful act. 

I placed my hands on her shoulders.  “It’s okay.  Everything’s going to be all right.”

“Oh, Joe.”  She turned her back on me.  “What am I to do without a husband?”

“It takes time.  The dust will settle.”  My God.  Eli was barely in his grave, and I said something stupid like, “The dust will settle.”  What a dumb thing to say.  “I’m sorry, Anna.  I didn’t mean ….”

Like a little whirlwind, she turned and encircled my waist once again.  “Hold me, Joe.  Hold me tight.”

I didn’t stay long.  I told Anna to remain strong, and we’d talk again later in the week.  I wasn’t sure what else to say.  Nothing felt right about being alone with her.  In an odd sort of way, she scared me.  We were close to the same age, we enjoyed the same things, and the socialites knew we were friends.  How quickly tongues could wag if I weren’t careful.

Pa smiled when I walked through the door.  “How’d it go, Son?”

“I’m not sure.”

Pa stood from his chair and came around his desk to question me further.  “Not sure?  What does that mean?”

“Nothing, I guess.”

“It must mean something, Joe.”

I sat on the arm of the settee and looked up at my father.  “She’s a lonely woman.  What else can I say?”

“I’m sure you’re right, but she’s been a widow for less than a week.  These things take time.”

“I told her that.”

“Why don’t you keep in touch with her, Joe.  Sounds to me like she needs someone to lean on, and I think you might fit the bill.”

“Yessir.” 

We’d be branding new calves in a few days, so chasing strays and repairing fence would keep my brothers and me busy till the end of the week.  We didn’t have time to waste, and I was glad for the distraction.  I didn’t want to think about Anna and how friendly she’d become since Eli had been murdered.  It wasn’t right, but I didn’t let on to Pa.  Some things were better left unsaid.

We quit work at noon on Saturday.  By Monday, the three of us would be squatting over a hot branding pit, and we decided a few hours off wouldn’t hurt any of us.  My brothers didn’t have plans, but I had an obligation.  If I didn’t say anything to Pa about Anna’s behavior, he’d wonder why I hadn’t done as we’d agreed and visited a friend. 

I bathed, changed into clean clothes, and saddled my horse.  It wasn’t long before I knocked on Anna’s front door, and she pulled me inside.  She must’ve seen me ride up and hitch Cooch to the rail.  Normally, Cecelia would greet a guest and direct them to the parlor, but the look on Anna’s face told me something was up.

She kept hold of my hand and hauled me into the parlor, where she poured us each a cordial and then guided me to the small settee that faced one of the ten-foot-high windows along the front of the house. 

Classic Georgian.  I learned that much from my brother, who always admired the Millers’ home.  There were two tall windows on either side of the front door and four larger than normal windows running across the front of the house on the second level.  Adam said the Georgian style was very popular in Boston, and he assumed the Tennessee elite weren’t strangers to this design of architecture either.

“I didn’t know if you’d ever come back, Joe.  I made such a fool of myself.”

“Don’t think a thing about it.  Water under the bridge.”

She chuckled.  “You’re the sweetest man I know.”

My face grew warm.  The compliment came freely, and I tried not to blush.  “We’ll always be friends, Anna.  Pa and I.  Hoss and Adam.  You know how we feel about you.”

“I know this won’t come out right, but I don’t care about Ben and Hoss and Adam.  I care about you, Joe.  I always have.”  I felt exposed, and the look on my face revealed my confusion.  “Since the day I met you—”

“No.”  I stood from the settee.  “You’re sad and lonely.  You miss your husband.  That’s all it is.”

“You’re wrong, Joe.  Ever since Eli introduced me to you and your family, I knew you were special.  I knew if we only had a chance, we could—”

“Stop, Anna.  You’re not thinking straight.”  As much as I could’ve loved her, we could never be together.  Not now.  Not when Eli was barely dead and buried, and no one knew who pulled the trigger.  My God.  How would things look?  What would people say?

The smell of roasting beef filled the air, and the dining room table was set for two.  If she was expecting guests, she hadn’t said, but I figured it was best if I left before anyone else arrived and saw the two of us together. 

“I should go.”

“Go where?  Why?”

“Before your guests arrive.”

She’d let me roam the parlor like a lost soul, but she wasn’t about to let me out the front door without a fight.  “There’s no guest besides you.  Cecelia and I have been cooking all afternoon.  I thought you’d come.  I hoped you’d come.  What do you want me to say, Joe?”

“I don’t know.  I don’t know what you want from me.”

She moved in closer.  “Want from you?  Can’t two, longtime friends have a nice evening together?”

I felt trapped.  If I stayed, things between us would never be the same.  If I walked out the door, I’d need an explanation.  What could I tell Anna?  What would I tell Pa?  He knew nothing of my infatuation with a married woman unless I’d given off signs without knowing.  Was that possible?  Was that why Anna wasn’t afraid to assume my feelings mirrored hers?

“It’s only supper, Joe.”  Her voice interrupted my thoughts, and I turned to face her. 

I didn’t hesitate.  I said what she wanted to hear.  “I’d be delighted to stay for supper.”  Maybe she was right.  We’d been friends for a long time, and sharing a meal wasn’t the end of the world.  Had my thinking become reckless?  I worried about people I didn’t know, people who might talk, a sheriff who might see things differently than he should.  Surely, that wouldn’t be the case, but I was all knotted up inside.

She handed me a bottle of red and asked me to pour while she checked on the roast she’d let cook all afternoon.  Since we supplied Ponderosa beef to several Virginia City merchants, I imagined we’d be enjoying a fat, juicy chunk of beef straight from the ranch to the plate with a slight detour through the mercantile.

I was proud of my home and my family, and I couldn’t do anything with Anna that might damage the family’s reputation.  I had to stay strong.  I couldn’t let her stunning features or trim, petite figure lure me from being the gentleman my father expected me to be.

She let Cecelia serve while we sipped our wine and made small talk.  I didn’t dare bring up Eli or what her plans might be now that she’d become a widow.  Maybe I was afraid of the answer she’d give.  In any other situation, I was so sure of myself, I never worried about what I should or shouldn’t say, but sitting with Anna and knowing what I knew, I used caution.  Every thought was calculated, and every word was measured. 

“Should I sell the mine?” 

Out of the blue, she hit me with a very odd question.  “I’m not the one to ask, Anna.  Maybe your lawyer or your accountant.  They know your finances much better than I.”

“But you’re my friend.  You’d never lead me astray.”

“That’s true, but that’s an impossible decision for me to make.”

Anna reached for my hand and guided me to her settee, where she sat closer than a polite woman should.  “Why do you fight me, Joe?  Why do you hate me?”

“Hate you?  I could never hate you.”

“Then why do you push me away?”

“Anna, please.”

“Don’t you see?  Half the mine could be yours.”

Damn.  How dense could a man be?  The woman wanted more than I could give.  She wanted a new husband, and she targeted me.  I believe she’d use everything in her power to drag me into her life.  Worst of all, I didn’t have enough sense to figure things out until now.

Pa met the new arrivals in Virginia City just a few months ago.  He stopped by the Post Office before returning home from town and watched as Anna stood patiently while Eli fumbled with some papers, and for some odd reason, the two silver-haired men began chatting.  Before my father realized he’d invited the couple for supper on Saturday night, that’s when it happened.  That’s when I met a woman I thought I could never have.

I was struck by Anna that evening.  It wasn’t just her natural beauty; she had a brilliant sense of humor that most women might find shameless, but I found refreshing.  She said her mind and never acted grander than anyone.  Although there wasn’t an abundance of women in Virginia City at that time, none compared to the Southern beauty who accompanied her husband to our home.

No one detected my fascination with the woman across the table from me.  I could be a good actor if need be, and I controlled my inclination to snatch her up, run out the front door, and live happily ever after.  Even though my mind took me to places I could only dream about, I made polite talk, and no one was the wiser.

Because the Millers were frequent visitors, I kept my feelings for Eli’s wife to myself, though it didn’t take long before it felt like Anna might feel the same.  Little things began to change.  She asked if I’d accompany her outside after supper, stating the fresh air might settle her stomach.  If her breast brushed against my arm, I wished we could slip away where no one could keep us apart, but my father taught me well, and I didn’t dare go down that road.

“Supper was delicious,” I said.  “My compliments to the chefs, but I should go.”  After helping Anna from her chair, the two of us strolled toward the front door.  I picked up my hat and jacket and reached for the large, silver latch.

“Joe?” 

When I turned to say goodbye, her lips met mine and wrong on all counts, I didn’t turn her away.

Chapter 2

Days passed, and Roy Coffee became more frustrated with Eli’s case.  Townsfolk hammered at him to find the murderer or let someone else take his job as sheriff.  There was a killer on the loose.  Would he kill again?  Were lives at risk?  It wasn’t a pretty time in our fair city.

Roy came to the ranch to talk things out with Pa and get a second opinion on the difficulties that transpired over the last week.  “I got Willie Cameron in my jail, but he didn’t do it, Ben.  He’s the town drunk, not the town killer.”

“Why Willie?”  Pa asked.

“He had a hundred dollars in his jacket pocket, and you know Willie.  He never had a penny to his name, so where’d the money come from?  Jim Jamison thinks Willie’s a paid killer, and you know how Jim likes to talk.  His word is as good as gold.”

“What does Willie say?”

“Says he don’t how the money got there.”

Pa planted his hands on his hips and shook his head.  “I have to agree, Roy.  Willie Cameron wouldn’t murder a soul.”

“Just look at his hands?”  I added.  “He couldn’t hold a gun steady if he tried.  Jamison’s full of—”

“Joseph.”

“Sorry, Pa, but you get my point.”

“I’m afraid we do.”

Roy was at a crossroads.  He couldn’t hang Willie, but there were no other suspects to charge for Eli’s murder.  The case had come to a standstill.  “I don’t know where to turn, Ben.  The town’s lost confidence in me.  I ain’t got a clue to go on.  I’m at a dead end.”

“I’ll do anything I can, Roy.”

“Have you talked to Anna?”

Roy thumbed his mustache before he looked me in the eye.  “Till I’m blue in the face, Little Joe.  You know what’s odd, though.  Seems to me she might be holdin’ somethin’ back.  I can’t prove nothin’.  It’s just a feeling I have.”

“She couldn’t know much, Sheriff.  If she were tied and blindfolded, I’d say she was pretty much at a loss.”

“You’ve been seen with Mrs. Miller more than once, Son.  She ever say anything to you?”

“We don’t discuss her husband.  It’s too upsetting for her.  Surely, you understand that, don’t you, Roy?”

“I guess.”

“I’m only trying to help her through a bad time.  The Millers have been friends of ours for a long time.  It’s the least we can do.”

“I don’t see no other Cartwright—”

“That’s enough, Roy.  I encouraged Joe to see to her welfare, and I won’t hear anything to the contrary.”

“Just sayin’, Ben.  There’s been talk.”

I popped up from the arm of the settee where I’d perched myself just moments before.  “What kind of talk?”

“Easy, Joseph.”  Pa’s arm flew in front of my chest.  “Let Roy explain.”

“You know how people are.  They got nothing better to do than run down one of Storey County’s most influential citizens, and a Cartwright fits the bill better’n most.”

“There’s nothing improper going on between Mrs. Miller and me, and it’s high time the good citizens of Virginia City got things straight.”

“You just calm down, Little Joe.  I don’t want no trouble in town.”

“You’ll get no trouble from me, Sheriff.”

After Roy left, I did the same.  I was mad at the world, and if Anna had heard all the talk, she’d be upset, and I should be there to soften the blow.  Besides, I hadn’t seen her for three long days, and unbeknownst to my family, I couldn’t go another day without holding her in my arms.

When I entered C Street, I rode deliberately so the women scattered along the boardwalk could stare and talk behind gloved hands about that Cartwright boy heading straight to the widow’s house.  According to Roy, I was good fodder for gossip, and I did my best to give the fancy nutcases something to talk about.  

After leading Cooch to the Miller’s barn, which wasn’t much larger than our smokehouse, I removed his saddle and gave him a measure of oats.  Since I planned to take Anna out for supper, and Pa didn’t like any of us riding at night alone, I assured him I’d spend the night at the International and be home first thing in the morning, but my evening didn’t go as planned. 

Anna and I never went out to dinner, and I never checked into the International House.  Through talk and tears, and a bit of flirting from both parties, we climbed the stairs to the master bedroom.  I stripped Anna down to her essentials, leaving only the pale blue ribbon she wore in her hair. 

I lifted and laid her on linen sheets that were softer than anything I’d ever felt before.  When she closed her eyes and spread her legs, she slipped both hands between her upper thighs and whispered my name.  I couldn’t undress fast enough.

There were times when a man’s life took a turn, and he wasn’t sure what his next move should be.  I could’ve stayed and made love to Anna all day, but I promised my father I’d put in a full day’s work.  All I could think about on the ride back to the ranch was how soon could I see her again?  Should I tell the family?  Should I tell the sheriff?  My mind raced with so many unanswered questions.

Adam had loaded the wagon and was just pulling out of the barn when I rode up.    Hoss had spotted broken sections of fence last week, and the repairs had to be made before we separated a young group of heifers and brought them down from the north pasture.

“You’re just in time, Little Brother.  Me and Adam was just headin’ out.”

“Mind if I grab a bite to eat first?”

“Make it snappy, Boy.  We don’t have all day.”

Leave it to Adam to start the day with a snide remark.  Maybe I should’ve stayed in town after all.  “Go ahead.  I’ll catch up.”

I walked inside to find my father sitting behind his desk and Hop Sing cleaning the dining room table.  “Be right back,” I hollered at Pa on my way to the kitchen.  On the largest platter was one lonely biscuit and three strips of bacon.  I made a quick sandwich and waved at our cook as I headed back out to Pa’s desk.

“How’s Mrs. Miller?”

“Not too well.  She heard the rumors.  I tried to tell her they meant nothing, but I’m not sure I succeeded.  I should go back tonight and try a different approach.”

“I don’t know, Joe.  Maybe you should stay away for a while.”

“No … that’s no good.  She’s awful fragile right now.  I’d hate for her to be alone.”

“Well, you know best.”

“Thanks, Pa.”

By the time my brothers and I sat in the shade of a large cottonwood for lunch, Hoss couldn’t hold back.  “What’s got into you, Little Brother?  You ain’t had your mind on work all mornin’ long.”

“Who me?”

“I only got one little brother.”

“Nothing wrong with me.”

“That good-looking widow woman makin’ you lose sleep at night?”

“Ha ha.  Aren’t you the funny one?”  He wasn’t far off.  I could barely keep my eyes open, although I didn’t realize it showed.  Another couple of nights like the last one, and I’d be good for nothing.

“You better stop riding in and seein’ Anna, Joseph.  I heared some talk in town just the other day.  Me and Adam tried to put a stop to it, but it seems like Bud Nickels and his brother Butch is spreadin’ tales like wildfire.”

“I can take care of Bud and Butch Nickels.”

“Sure, you can,” Adam said.  “But how much of those rumors are true?”

“What are you saying?”

“Is there any truth to what they say?”

“Yeah, Little Joe.  Since Pa ain’t here, you can tell me and Adam how it really is.”

“I’m sorry to disappoint you two, but there’s nothing to tell.”

“Whatever you say.”

“That’s what I say, so leave it alone.”

It wouldn’t be the first time I lost patience with my brothers, and the stupid conversation needed to end before I said something I couldn’t take back, or worse.  If I admitted the two of us were an item, was that so bad?  Was there anything wrong with a man and a woman enjoying each other’s company?  They didn’t need to know everything.  Pa would be mortified if he knew the truth, but maybe it was time to ease the family into my private affairs.

Chapter 3 

She settled on her right side in her oversized mahogany bed and held the mass of opium on a steel needle above the flame of her lamp.  She watched it bubble and swell to six or seven times its original size.  When it lost that inky hue and became a bright golden brown, Dr. Lyn’s remedy gave off a pleasant creamy odor.  After cooking the small mass, the pea-sized ball of opium was ready to smoke.  Her body ached for the remedy she’d grown more fond of each time she lit the pipe and heated the tar.

A proper ritual enhanced the initial drag.  Anna learned early on, the night she first stepped into the opium den, and Dr. Lyn led her to a comfortable pallet.  Without a word between them, he showed her what to do, then bowed in praise for her excellence as she maneuvered the tar inside the bowl.  

Three days later, she returned to Dr. Lyn’s Palace and purchased all the tools necessary to enjoy his remedy in the confines of her bedroom and not in a den of lowlifes who were known to practice despicable behavior.  That wasn’t her.  She was nothing like those people.  They were prostitutes and derelicts, and she had class.  She had a wealthy husband and a beautiful home, and she volunteered on several committees within the community.

She’d become a socialite, not a whore or farmer’s wife with withered skin and dry, cracked hands.  She took care of herself.  She bought expensive creams and dressed in the finest attire.  Eli made sure the jewelry he bought was the best he could afford.  She had a good life, a happy life … until the day Eli discovered her secret.

Declaring that he wouldn’t tolerate her behavior brought an end to the marriage.  Thinking she would throw all her paraphernalia away and return to the happy-go-lucky princess, he married never happened.  Once she’d heard about the wonders of opium, she’d become her own person, and no one could tell her what to do.  She had wants and needs.  The remedy had heightened her outlook and enhanced her womanly sensations.  Opium had become part of her life, and Eli would never understand the joys that came when she lit her pipe.  It started as just a lark, a little game, but Dr. Lyn’s remedy had become much more.  She’d never give it up, and Eli didn’t want any part of her deranged lifestyle. 

“No wife of mine ….”   He ranted like a wild man, as though he’d lost his mind.

Still clutched in her right hand, her twenty-inch pipe had cooled to room temperature.  The simple act had been accomplished, and the pleasure she derived was as close to euphoria as a person could achieve.  Opium had been a constant companion for nearly a year before Eli discovered her obsession.  She remembered every word he’d said.  The disappointment in his voice as he paced the room, carrying her precious pipe and banging it against all her beautiful furniture.

After that night, she became fearful of her own husband.  A man had certain rights, and a woman couldn’t fight back.  For no apparent reason, he could have her locked up in an asylum.  He could send her away for the rest of her life, and a life without the remedy made her feel hollow inside.  The void would be unbearable.

Anna left those memories behind.  After refilling her pipe, she began the process again.  By the time she drew smoke through the porcelain tip, she waited for her limbs to become weighted and her face to flush.  The initial rush was worth every penny she invested and everything she’d been forced to do since the remedy became part of her life.

But life was beginning anew.  Joe was a dream come true, and he’d finally given in to her wishes and become her lover.  He balked at first, but she hoped he’d come around, and he had.  How amazing his lovemaking had been, fresh and new.  He was a natural in the bedroom, and she awaited his return. 

Eli’s main objective was to shove his ancient penis inside her and pump like a madman until the deed was done.  When he finished, he’d fall back on the bed and give her a quick goodnight kiss.  The end.  No more was said.  Nothing more was given.  Nothing about his weekly ritual pleasured her, but Joe did.  Joe was magnificent.  Maybe she could talk her new lover into more, a bit of roleplaying might be fun.

Chapter 4

I didn’t hang around long.  Those two could build their stupid fence without me.  I was finished with all the talk about Anna and impropriate behavior.  Pa would have my hide, but I didn’t care.  I’d loved her for months, but I could never show her how I felt.  She was a married woman, a woman beyond my grasp.  I liked Eli.  He was a good man, a fair man, and never in a million years would I have done anything to interfere with a marriage like theirs.

But Eli was gone, dead and buried, and no one should have qualms about Anna and me seeing each other.  Everything was on the up and up.  Everything was legal.  I tied Cochise to the hitchrail, marched up the six wide steps, and rapped on her front door.  Though she wasn’t expecting me in the middle of the day, I hoped she’d still be glad I came.

Cecelia pulled the door wide and motioned me inside toward the parlor.  Her face held a hint of apprehension, and I wondered what might be wrong.  Was it my place to ask?  I wasn’t sure, so I let it go.  If something was up, Anna could tell me herself.

“I get the Missus, Mr. Cartwright.  She upstairs.  I get.”

“No hurry, Cecelia.  She wasn’t expecting me.  If it’s inconvenient ….”

“No, no.  I’m sure she see you.  You wait.”

I waited and waited.  I never should’ve come in the middle of the day.  It was inconsiderate of me to think she’d be sitting around waiting for Joe Cartwright to bang on her front door.

Steadied by Cecelia, the two women came to stand just inside the French doors.  I stood and stared.  Something seemed amiss.  “Are you okay, Anna?”

“Don’t be silly.  It’s my own stupid fault.  I stayed up late reading Dickens and overslept this morning.  Did we have a date today?”

“No,” I chuckled.  “I got mad at my brothers and took off.  I could’ve gone for a beer or a game of poker in one of the saloons, but you wouldn’t have been there with me, so I came here instead.”

“I’m glad you came.”  She turned to face her maid.  “I’m all right now, Cece.  Go on now.  I’ll be fine.”

I took Anna’s hand and guided her to the settee, where I sat down beside her.  “You look like you could use some fresh air.”

She shook her head, and a low,moan-like grunt escaped.  “I don’t think so.  The hot Nevada sun isn’t the place for me.”

Something was wrong.  Her eyes looked glazed, and her voice sounded like it came from a distance, gravelly and unclear.  I was baffled by her behavior, and I wasn’t sure what to think.  The daytime Anna was much different than the woman I courted in the evenings.

“Come,” she said, standing from the settee.  “Let’s raid the kitchen.”

I followed like a puppy chasing its tail.  What else could I do?  I’d invaded her private, daytime world, and she was making the best of it.  We sat at a small wooden table and ate cold beef and cheese.  Cecelia had made coffee earlier, and Anna poured us each a cup.

Sated, she leaned back in her chair, and a smile appeared.  “I have a grand idea.”

“Okay.”  I was apprehensive.  This wasn’t the woman I knew.  “What’s your idea?”

“I want to play a game.”

“Okay.”  I hadn’t seen a chess or checkerboard, but maybe she’d put all the board games away after Eli’s demise.  Again, she took my hand, but his time she guided me out the back door and into a vacant stall in the barn.  Before I could ask why we stood ankle-deep in fresh straw, she ripped the bodice of her dress and pulled the pin from her hair.

“Take me.  Force me, Joe.”

“What?”

“I want to be ravaged.  I want you to scare me, to force me to my knees and spread my legs so wide it hurts.  I want to feel fear.  I want to scream and fight my attacker.”

“Anna, I could never …”

“You can and you will.  It’s only roleplaying, Joe.  It’s all pretend.”

“You’re crazy if you think I’d do such a thing.”

She pulled my shirt from my trousers and ripped the material until every button popped and fell into the thick straw.  “Now!” she screamed.  “Take me now!” 

Even though I’d never been rough with a woman, it didn’t mean I wasn’t aroused, and she knew I was ready to go.  She grabbed hold and lowered my trousers, which bunched in a heap at my boots.  She took me in her right hand and fell to her knees.  My God!  I didn’t know the daytime woman at all.  I didn’t know any of this was possible.  I should’ve run.  I should’ve stayed and fixed fences with my brothers.  Instead, Anna had covered my erection with her mouth and did what came naturally to any prostitute who expected payment at the end of the night.

I steadied myself using the half walls on either side of the stall.  My legs became weak, and my entire body shuddered at the release she swallowed as though she’d lived her entire life pleasuring men.  I knew it wasn’t true, but it brought me back to Eli and how it must have been behind closed doors. 

After kneeling in front of her, I took her in my arms, rolled onto my back, and pulled her on top of me. “You’re something else, Mrs. Miller.”

“Please, Sir.  My given name is Annabelle.  My friends call me Anna.”

Embarrassed was my middle name, but I smiled before I kissed her.  She kissed me back, and we made love on the floor of the barn before we took ourselves to the bedroom and had another go.  I didn’t play rough like she wanted, but none of that seemed to matter.  We found comfort in each other’s arms.  We held each other close.

I wanted everyone to know we were together, that it didn’t matter if the timing wasn’t right.  That was their problem, not ours, and I wanted to take Anna out on the town.  I wanted us to be seen publicly.  It seemed wrong to hide behind closed doors.   

“I’ll be back tomorrow night.  I want us to be seen as a couple.”

“But—”

“Hang the gossips.  The time is right, Anna.”

It was time to tell the family.  It was time to be seen in public.  Anna wasn’t one to dress in black and mourn for over two years like the queen of England.  Just because Victoria chose that way of life, mourning for that length of time had nothing to do with the townsfolk in Virginia City.  I didn’t much care for formalities anyhow.  If the bluebloods wagged their tongues, then so be it.  I couldn’t care less.

Chapter 5

“You can’t be serious.”

Leave it to Adam to sink my dreams into the pits of hell.  “I’m very serious, Brother.”

“Ain’t she older than you, Little Joe?”

“Three years isn’t the end of the world, is it, Pa?”

“No, but I’m not worried about the age difference.  I’m worried about what people will say.”

“Let them talk.  Their words won’t hurt me, and they won’t hurt Anna.  Besides, we’ve already talked that out.  She can’t bring Eli back, so why can’t she move forward and live life to the fullest?  That’s what you’d want the three of us to do, isn’t it?”

“In time, Joseph, but Eli’s been dead less than two months.  Isn’t it kind of soon to be courting his widow?”

“No, and I don’t care what people say.  I’ll be taking Anna out to dinner tonight, and we might even walk hand-in-hand down the boardwalk.”

“You’re a dead man, Joe?”

“That’s enough, Adam.”

“No, Pa.  Let him say his piece.  He’s so smart.  Let him talk.”

Adam stood from his chair and came to stand in front of me.  “You don’t care if people talk.  Is that right?”

“Yeah.”

“What about the rest of us?  You’re not the only Cartwright, you know.  What happens to you happens to all of us?”

I turned toward Pa.  “Is that how you feel, too?”  I put my father on the spot, but I didn’t much care what Adam said.  Maybe my eldest brother had never been in love, really in love, but if seeing Anna upset Pa, then I’d manage things differently. 

“You’re old enough to make your own decisions, Joseph.  Think things through, and you’ll know the right thing to do.”

That was that.  The family had spoken.  I gathered my hat, my jacket, and my gunbelt, and I walked out the door.  Anna would be waiting.

“““““

Curled in the fetal position, she clutched the pipe to her chest while a pulsing beat of exhilaration washed over her.  Blood ripped through every vein, her cheeks burned with a flush of heat, and she was close to vomiting.  Nausea continued to be a problem every time she smoked, but she found her insatiable appetite for Joe Cartwright took her mind off the lingering effects. 

She’d done the unthinkable.  She’d taken Joe to the barn and did what any drug-ridden whore would do.  She saw a woman performing the same sexual act the last time she visited the den for a pinch of black tar.  Right out in the open.  Bold as the sun in the sky, the woman spread the man’s legs and took him into her mouth.

At first, Anna had covered her eyes and turned her head.  She’d never seen anything so vile in all her years.  She didn’t know about such things.  Was it because Eli had never expected his wife to do something that repulsive?  Is that why she was so naïve to the ways of the world?  Is that why most men had mistresses?

Then she realized what had happened to the woman she saw in the den and what had happened to her own desires since she’d discovered the remedy.  Before she had time to think of morals or principles, she found herself easing her right hand between her legs.  With delicate fingers, she was able to manipulate the warm folds and bring her inner wetness to the surface.  Knowing she could arouse herself, that she could find that special spot and ease the strain of being a woman alone intrigued her and made her plunge deeper inside her own body.  Because of the beautiful black tar, she’d found new pleasures in life … and then she thought about the new man in her life.

“Oh, Joe.  Where are you when I need you?”

She palmed her hands together and slipped them across the linen pillow under her cheek.  Closing her eyes, she imagined she and Joe together, smoking and pleasuring, sharing her pipe, loading the bowl over and over until both were too tired to perform.  Ecstasy at its finest, but Joe Cartwright was a different story.  Most men would’ve jumped at the chance to ravage her as she’d asked, but he shied away from the idea, wouldn’t hear of such a thing.  He was such a gentleman.  How in God’s name could she turn him around and make him understand what it took to satisfy a woman who found pleasure in Chinese black tar?

She knew he loved her.  His eyes gave him away the first time they met, so she teased and taunted until she thought he might burst, but her passion for him had been subtle, and no one had been the wiser.  She’d grown tired of Eli and his strait-laced ways.  Can’t do this.  Can’t do that. Even her social obligations bothered him.  He’d become more controlling.  He rarely let her out of his sight, and that’s when she’d turned to Dr. Lyn. 

Opium had become her savior, a better way of living a more enhanced life.  She realized she wasn’t alone, that many of Virginia City’s elite craved the remedy as much as she did.  Women stole money from their husbands and indulged in one of the local dens.  When a wife couldn’t explain her enhanced appetite for sex, she’d be forced to lure young studs to ease her heightened obsession—the rougher the better—and most single men were eager to oblige.  She’d learned a lot over the last few months.

Rather than spend that extra hour at home with an unwilling wife, husbands also took to the dens.   After smoking a generous amount, men often found girls younger than their own daughters and proved their manhood in shameful ways.  Rarely did husband and wife partake together.

She refilled her pipe and heated the mass until it turned golden brown and was ready to be taken deep into her lungs.  She needed to get up soon and dress for dinner.  Joe said he’d come, didn’t he?  He wanted to show the bluebloods, right?  Her thoughts were muddled.  She couldn’t quite remember what he’d said, but one long pull from her pipe, and she could enjoy the evening with her sweet Joe.

Anna dressed in her finest.  With Sissy’s help, her corset had been pulled tight and her hair piled high.  She held herself like a woman of means, a socialite who couldn’t be ignored.  If she were to accompany Joe Cartwright outside the mansion, she vowed to look and act her best.

Chapter 6

“Hi, Cecelia.”

“Mr. Cartwright.”

“Can we get something straight right now?”

“Yessir.”

“Will you call me Joe?”

“Cain’t do that, Sir.”

“Yes, you can.  From now on … it’s just Joe.”

“I try, but I ain’t promisin’.”

Our conversation was cut short when Anna descended the stairs like a storybook princess.  Her flair for perfection showed through.  If my middle name had been awestruck, hers was elegance.

“You look lovely.”

“It’s all for you.”

I smiled and took her hand.  “I’d be honored to escort you to Chez Pierre’s and then to Piper’s.  I’d like you to meet my friend, Mark Twain.”

“I heard he was lecturing.  Is he really a friend of yours?”

“Sure is.”

“Oh, Joe.  Let’s not waste a minute.”  Cecelia stepped forward with Anna’s shawl, and I wrapped it around her bare shoulders. 

“Let’s go.”

I’d come to town in the buggy, but after a delicious supper, Anna had me leave the polished carriage at Pierre’s and walk to Pipers.  “Fresh air’s good for the soul,” she said.  “Sometimes I feel so trapped, so closed in.”

I pulled her tight against my side.  We strolled to the opera house and entered the double doors just before the curtain opened.  Mark stood at the podium, his hair wild and his mind set on giving a good performance.  As he noted an abundance of absurdities in everyday life, the two of us were nearly in tears from laughing so hard.  The entire night had gone well.  Mark took us back to his dressing room, and the laughter continued until I worried that we’d overstayed our welcome.

“You’re a gracious host, Sam.  It’s been a fun night.”

“Good to see you again, Joe, but why is this beautiful woman spending time with a cowboy like you?”

“You’ll have to ask her.”

Anna blushed, and her pretense of shyness was quite alluring.  “You don’t know him like I do, Mr. Twain.”

The inference was there, and when Mark’s cheeks flushed, I needed to change my middle name from awestruck back to embarrassed.  “We best go, Anna.  Thanks again, Sam.”

“Take care of your beautiful lady, Joe.  She’s a refreshing gem!”

I winked at my friend, and we left the opera house for our walk back to the carriage, but Anna seemed anxious and hurried us along.  After we were seated, and I had the horse at a decent clip, she slipped her hand inside my trousers, and before I could remedy the situation, I was as hard as a rock. 

She slapped my hand away when I tried to remove hers and adjust myself so I could drive back to the mansion without colliding into something or someone.  Telling the sheriff why I’d had an accident would be a tale I’d never live down.

“We’re nearly home, Anna.  Surely you can wait—” But I was wrong.  As soon as I pulled into her long, winding driveway, she lifted her skirt and petticoat, removed my belt, and shimmied my trousers down to my thighs.

“I’ve been a good girl all evening, but I couldn’t wait another minute.  I need you now, Joe.  I need you inside me.”

Although I accommodated her, it felt wrong, dirty, and much too brazen for a woman of class and wealth.  We weren’t engaged or married.  We’d only been courting for a couple of weeks, and none of this should be happening.  I wasn’t a prude, and I wasn’t a virgin, but intimacy had come hard and fast.  Nothing about our relationship was ordinary.

Anna moved too fast, and I wasn’t sure how to slow her down.  I enjoyed her company; I’d been in love since day one, but I couldn’t justify the way we’d been acting.  It wasn’t right.  We were behaving more like wild animals than human beings.  There’d been no pursuing, no seduction on my part.  It had all been Anna, chasing and catching and having me whenever she wanted.  At times, I felt like a common stud, no better than the new stallion we bought last spring in Monterey. 

When we finished the deed, she rested her head on the back of the seat and massaged her inner thighs.  I’d never seen that done before, and I wasn’t sure what it meant.  Was she gearing up for round two?  My, God.  The woman was insatiable. 

I didn’t leave the mansion until three in the morning.  Pa would be livid.  Every day was a workday, and stunts like this weren’t tolerated.  I wouldn’t be tanned, but I’d be scolded until I felt like that ten-year-old kid who should’ve gotten the belt.  I couldn’t explain either.  “Oh, Pa.  Anna’s oversized bed was so comfortable, I had trouble getting up to leave.”  Wouldn’t that go over well?  I needed to think of something, though.  Things like pulling into the barn in the middle of the night didn’t blow over and drift into the nighttime air.

I slipped in through the front door and tiptoed up to my room.  Perhaps I was safe after all.  Maybe no one would find out.  I closed my bedroom door, removed my boots, my gunbelt, and jacket, and flopped back on my bed.  Morning would come soon.

Chapter 7

My father surprised me.  He said nothing during breakfast except to tell the three of us what needed doing.  Although glaring looks went back and forth between my brothers, they kept quiet, too.  “You boys better get started.”

“Sure thing, Pa.”

Hoss was quick with an answer, whereas Adam and I stood from our chairs without a word.  The wagon had been filled the night before, no thanks to me, and we were ready to ride out and fix another half mile of fence before dusk.  Anna and I hadn’t made plans for the evening, which was a good thing.  If I had any smarts, I’d stay home with the family rather than push things too far.

“Well, Little Brother.  You been havin’ yourself a real good time, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, why?”

“That little gal’s taken a shine to you, ain’t she?”

“Yeah, but it isn’t any of your concern, is it?”

“It’s everyone’s concern, Joe.”  Adam tilted his hat back.  “Do you have any idea what you’re putting Pa through?”

“Anna Miller has nothing to do with Pa.”

“Roy paid us a visit last night.  Said he saw you and the lady walking down C Street.”

Adam pushed all the right buttons, and he was well aware.  “Is there a law against walking?”

“No, but a man’s been murdered.  His widow skips the mourning process and lets a Cartwright court her less than two months after her husband’s passing.  You don’t see that as a problem?”  

“What Adam’s trying to say, Joseph, is that it don’t look good, and Pa’s worried.”

My hackles rose.  “If Roy wants to question me, bring him on.  I have nothing to hide, and neither does Anna.  I’m only trying to bring her some happiness.  Is that so wrong?”

“In the eyes of the Virginia City’s elite, it’s very wrong.”

“Anna and I are friends.  That’s all there is to it.  If the social butterflies can’t accept that a man and a woman can enjoy each other’s company, then to hell with them.  I don’t much care what they think.”

Adam fiddled with his gunbelt.  “There wasn’t enough evidence to keep Willie Cameron in custody, and the sheriff let him go.  We’d rather not have you take his place.”

“This whole business is more serious than Adam’s lettin’ on, Little Joe.  We don’t want you to hang for somethin’ you didn’t do.  If people talk, then Roy’s gotta take action.  Know what I mean?”

“You think I killed Eli?”

“That ain’t what I said.  I’m just sayin’ that ….”

“I’m not stupid, Hoss.  People think I killed him, don’t they?  I’m guilty because I took his widow out to dinner and to a reading when she should be dressed in black and mourning his death.  Instead, she’s with a younger man, having the time of her life.  That’s the story, isn’t it?  That’s the gossip in town, right?”

“Enough said.  Let’s get to work, or we won’t get home before midnight.”

My blood boiled.  It wasn’t Adam or Hoss; it was everyone thinking my business was their business.  It wasn’t fair.  We weren’t hurting anyone, so why the big deal?  Worry about your own damn families and leave my girl and me alone.

We dug new postholes and planted new posts.  Even though the ground was dry and rocky, we made good time.  When Adam let us break for lunch, I couldn’t have been happier.  Even with thick leather gloves on both hands, blisters formed.  I’m sure my brothers had the same problem, but no one complained.  Why bother?  Callused hands were part of the job.

I thought of Anna.  I always thought of Anna, but I realized she’d probably enjoy hands that weren’t soft and smooth like her dead husband’s.  When she first mentioned rough sex, I was stunned and didn’t think I could treat a woman like that, but the fact that she brought it up added an air of excitement, and I found myself thinking more and more about things I shouldn’t.  Only a cad or a heathen would dip so low, or was it time to shake things up, test her limits? 

“Let’s go, Brothers.  I have plans tonight.”

“Didn’t you hear nothin’ we said?”

“I heard everything, but it’s my life.  I can’t please everyone, and right now, Anna is important to me.  If that doesn’t sit well with folks, I’m sorry.”

When we were done for the day, Adam and Hoss climbed on the wagon seat, and I climbed on Cochise.  Realizing I was closer to town than home, I said goodbye to my brothers and headed straight to the barber for a bath and shave.  Maybe I’d buy a new shirt and look presentable when I called on my favorite girl.

“““““

“Sissy!  Where the hell are you?”

“Right here, Missy.

“You need to come with me.  We need to go now!”

After rummaging through her dresser and bedside tables, Anna discovered everything she’d bought from Dr. Lyn just two days ago was gone.  Whereas it used to last her a week, even two, she’d overindulged.  She’d gotten carried away, but it didn’t matter now.  Having nothing to fall back on made her anxious and too restless to be crowded by anyone.  She grabbed Sissy’s hand and hauled her out the front door. 

Arm and arm, the two young women raced down one hill after another toward Chinatown and the opium den she frequented only two days before.  They burst through the front door, and Anna grabbed the first man she saw.  “I need Dr. Lyn.”

“Dr. Lyn not here.  Go ‘way.”

“No, you don’t understand.  I need him now.”

“Go ‘way.  You not wanted here.”

Anna slowed her breathing.  “Maybe you can help me.”  She pulled a wad of notes from her beaded bag.  “I have money.  As much as you need.”

The Chinaman eyed the thick bundle and snatched it from her hand.  “You wait.  I get.”  When he returned, he handed Anna a small paper pouch, stepped back, and bowed from the waist.  “You go ‘way now.”

She tucked her prized possession in her bag, and the young woman scrambled back up the hill and down the boardwalk on C Street, but stopped abruptly when Anna saw Joe Cartwright enter Frank’s Barber Shop.  She pulled Sissy into the shadows until they could make it to the mansion unseen.

When the shop door closed behind him, she grabbed Sissy’s wrist, “Now!”  The two young ladies leaped off the boardwalk and crossed the dusty street.  Anna’s heart ached with unease as she and her faithful maid scurried through another crate-filled alley and toward the long circular drive leading up to the mansion.

After reaching the house, they took the front steps two at a time and hurried inside.  Anna marched straight to her room and drew the strings of her purse.  She tore at the brown paper and liberated the small amount of black tar.  The old Chinaman had cheated her, and she vowed to have Dr. Lyn up the amount next time she made the trip to his dirty old den.

Hidden beneath her underthings in the third drawer from the top, she located her pipe and tried to put the miserable community of lonely men and eager prostitutes out of her mind.  Even though some of them were nearly naked and sprawled across oversized pillows, they appeared sated from the remedy.  Others candled their pipes for the first or second or maybe the tenth time that afternoon. 

She couldn’t help but stare.  The stench was overwhelming, and since no one judged their neighbor in the den, no one bathed, no one cared if their hair was matted, or if they smelled like sweat and sex.  They were there to smoke.  If necessary, women took to the den to share a man’s pipe, although sharing meant payment was due. 

The ripe, sweet smell of smoke might overpower the casual visitor.  And the women, most of them bare-chested and eager to satisfy any man who was willing to share, might shock the good citizens of Virginia City, but men had desires, and most of the women spread their legs wide in exchange for a bowl of ecstasy.

As she held her porcelain pipe over her bedside lamp, she vowed she’d never smoke in a den.  After all, she didn’t need to hide in such a place.  She wasn’t one of them.  She had money and panache and enough pride to last a lifetime.  Eli had been a good provider and, until the end, he’d been sensitive to her needs.  She’d never gone without, and she’d never have to.  He made sure of that.

Although Joe hadn’t mentioned anything about stopping by, she was surprised to see him in town – again – on a weekday.  She knew how Ben Cartwright felt about putting in a full day’s work, and she remembered what time he’d left her bed so as not to disappoint his father.

“What did Papa have to say, Sweetheart?  I bet he was livid.” 

She knew the answer, and she chuckled at her mock question.  She drew hard and long and lay back in the comfort of her bed with her overstuffed pillows, clean and pressed, never dingy and brown like the den.

As blood warmed her veins, the inner folds between her legs blazed with heat.  Her mind surged in a euphoric frenzy until she spread the swollen folds and satisfied herself with the ease of a woman who knew what was necessary to relieve the ache of not having a man at the ready. 

“Missy.  Missy, wake up.  You have a visitor.”

“I … what?”

“Mr. Joe.  What you want me to do?”

“Joe?”

“Yes, Ma’am.  He in the parlor.”

“Help me.”  Cecelia stepped farther into the room.  “Hide this and open the window.”

“I send him away.”

“No!  Send him to me.”

“Missy.  You don’t—” 

“Now!”

Since she’d relieved herself of the corset that bound her so tight, she could relax and let Joe remove the rest of her underthings.  Just the thought of him ravaging her unleashed a second wave of moisture that made her smile.  When he stood at the open bedroom door, she removed her hand from between her legs and motioned him closer.  The sweet aroma of sex soiled her fingers, and she hoped the scent would be welcome to the gentleman his father hoped he would be.  Then he’d understand how desperate she was for him to take her, to have his way with her, hurt her, if only he would.

Chapter 8

“I should go.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Don’t you want to finish your nap?”

“No.”

I started across the room, and she lifted the covers, offering me a place next to her in the bed.  “Now?”

“In my top drawer are several pairs of stockings.  You could use them to … you know … playact.”

On my ride to town, I wondered what it might be like to have forceful sex, but even though the time was right, could I gear myself up to roleplay with the woman I loved?  As I moved toward the dresser, I had second thoughts.  Think, Joe.  Can you go through with it?  Can you do as she asked?

I moved toward the empty chair and deposited my hat, my jacket, and gunbelt, then took a deep breath.  When the time felt right, I headed back to the dresser and opened the drawer.  Gathering several pairs of stockings, I turned toward the bed and crossed the room.

Anna had pulled the covers over her shoulder and pretended to be sleeping.  She called it playacting, and I wondered how far she wanted to go.   Maybe I could become an intruder, someone she didn’t know.  Someone who might scare her to death if the game were real.

A part of me had become excited by the prospect of doing something so off the cuff, so theatrical.  I wasn’t much into make-believe, but Adam always said I was a good actor, that I could perform on the spot, especially when I was explaining some wrongdoing to Pa.

I walked toward the open window and slammed it shut.  Anna heard the noise, but before she could see what I’d done, I flipped her onto her stomach, blindfolded her with a pair of black stockings, and tied her hands behind her back.  I ripped her chamise and tore at her pantaloons in my rush to enter her from behind.

After lowering my trousers, I straddled the naked woman, who struggled to slip off white linen sheets that held an odd scent I wasn’t familiar with.  I pressed one hand on Anna’s shoulder and held her down on the bed.  With my free hand, I lifted her hips and began my descent into paradise.  As I plunged deeper into the open cavity, I pulled her hips closer to mine.  Her hands balled into tight fists, and a low, simpering sound nearly made me stop, but I couldn’t.  It was too late to back out.  Too late to do anything but force myself deeper and harder and make her wish she’d never asked for something so vile.  Was writhing to get away part of the act?   I reminded myself I was doing what she wanted.

When I finished, I slid out slowly before loosening the blindfold and the stocking securing her wrists.  I was so ashamed.  I wanted to run out of the room and never see her again.  What could I say?  The relationship was over before it ever had a chance to flourish. 

“I’m sorry, Anna.  I’m so sorry.”

She rolled to her back and pulled my sweat-soaked body close to hers.  A wicked grin appeared.  “My, God.  You were magnificent, Joe.  Absolutely magnificent.”

Shock ran through me.  I thought there’d be nothing but hatred and good cause to throw me out of the house.  I couldn’t blame her if she never wanted to see me again; instead, I was praised for my ability to perform in a situation I thought was severe and primal.

“You can’t be serious.”

“But I am, Joe.  You listened to me.  You satisfied me like Eli never could.  I treasure every moment we’re together, and please don’t tell me I’m wrong or wicked.  Why shouldn’t I have the same desires as a man?  I’m well read.  I’m not stupid, and I’ve found scholars who’ve written literature about women like me.  I’m not alone, Joe.  I’m not the only female who enjoys being pleasured, but my husband never saw it that way.  One night, when he caught me touching myself, his look of disgust made me turn my face into my pillow and cry.  He hated that, Joe, and he hated me from then on.  Nothing was ever the same.”

“I didn’t know.  It never showed when you came to the Ponderosa, or did it?  You covered things well, as did Eli.”

“My life changed after that.  Eli stayed late at the office.  I’d become offensive to him.  I was dirty and crude.  My husband doubted my sanity, Joe.  He hated me. I feared he might send me to a sanitarium, and I’d never get out.”

I remembered those days.  Long walks after we’d eaten Hop Sing’s supper, but I never knew the cause.  Being at a loss for words, I placed my lips on hers and trailed fiery kisses down her neck and between her breasts and stomach until I reached the warmth between her legs.  When I spread her wide, she moaned with delight. And when I used my fingers and then my tongue, her body reacted in the most satisfying way.  The woman was easily aroused, and it pleasured me to pleasure her.

Chapter 9

If the situation were different, if I didn’t have a family and Anna didn’t have a newly deceased husband, I’d move into the mansion, and we’d make love all day and all night.  Cece could bring our meals upstairs, and we’d never have to leave the bedroom.  I’d been prone to nightmares all my life, but sometimes dreams weren’t nightmares at all.  This one was a keeper.  It could never happen, but a keeper all the same.

My brothers were livid when Pa asked me to go for supplies, and they were to finish the fencing.  It’s understandable.  I’d be livid too, and I took my job with more enthusiasm than I should have.

“Be glad to, Pa.  I’ll pick up the mail too.  Anything else?”

“No.  Not unless you’d like to invite Mrs. Miller for supper.”

I stopped dead in my tracks.  “Really?  You sure about that?”

“Not if you don’t want to.”

“No, I’ll ask.  Thanks, Pa.”

After picking up my hat and gunbelt, I walked out the front door and imagined the conversation inside.  If Adam was mad before, he was extra mad now.  If he could talk Hoss and Pa into his way of thinking, it could be a very interesting evening.

After arriving in town, I parked the buckboard in front of the mercantile and handed Hop Sing’s list to Jake.  “Take me about an hour, Joe.”

“No problem.  I’ll stop back in a while.”

I hit the post office first.  I couldn’t remember the last time I leaned my back against the bar and sipped a cold beer.  I hoped Anna would come out to the house, and I hoped she wouldn’t mind riding on the buckboard.  It wasn’t the most pleasant ride, but she was a trooper.  She could handle most anything.

“Hey, Bruno.  How about a cold one?”

“If it isn’t Joe Cartwright.  How long’s it been, Little Joe?”

“Too long.”

Bruno handed me a tall mug and returned to skimming the Enterprise.  “Got us some big news today.  Roy says he found Eli Miller’s killer.”

“Really?  Who’s the guilty party?”

“Here.”  He handed me the paper.  “See for yourself.  I think you know her.”

“Her?”  In all caps, the headline read: 

WIFE MURDERS HUSBAND IN COLD BLOOD

I couldn’t read any further.  I gulped my beer, stole Bruno’s paper, and stormed out of the saloon.  The sheriff had some explaining to do.  When I slammed the Enterprise down on his desk, Roy looked up as if nothing was wrong.  “What the hell is this?”

Roy stood.  “I’m sorry, Little Joe.  I know you was fond of the lady, but some new information’s come to light.  I didn’t have no choice but to arrest Mrs. Miller for murderin’ her husband.”

“That’s ridiculous, Roy.  Who put a stupid idea like that in your head?”

“Sit down, Son.”  I tossed my hat on his desk and did as he asked.  I was madder’n hell.  “As you well know, Mrs. Miller has two young ladies working for her.  Girls’ names are …”  Roy grabbed a paper and lowered his glasses from the top of his head.

“Sissy and Cece.”

“Close.  Sissy and Cecelia.”

“Fine.  What about the girls.”

“I separated them two little gals and asked a basket full of questions.  What turned up was that their stories didn’t match.  I didn’t know who to believe, but neither gal had been versed on what to say.  I don’t think the missus ever thought I’d come callin’.”

“So their stories don’t match.  Does that make Anna guilty?”

“No, it don’t, but there was enough discrepancy that I had to bring Mrs. Miller in for questioning.”

“And?”

“Well,” Roy said, smoothing his mustache, “she didn’t admit nothin’, but I could’ve predicted that.  Fact is, she asked for you.”

“Me?”

“Come on.”

I followed Roy to the cells.  When Anna stood from the cot that sat under the barred window, she looked so out of place, so hopeless and forlorn.  “This ain’t no place for a lady, Roy.”

“Listen here, Little Joe.”

“Fine.”  I wasn’t in the mood to argue.  “Let me in there.”  He selected a key from his ring and turned the lock so I could enter.  “Can we have a few minutes?”

“Holler when you’re ready.”

I turned my back to the bars and pulled Anna to my chest.  She felt so thin and frail after just one day that I couldn’t imagine what might become of her if she had to spend much time in a place like this.  “I need to get you out of here.”

“Is that possible?”

“Come, let’s sit down.”  We sat next to each other on the narrow cot.  “I’ll talk to Roy.  See what I can do.”

“Will he listen to you?”

“I don’t know.  If he won’t listen to me, he’ll listen to my father.”

“How did it come to this, Joe?”

“There has to be some mistake.  Nothing about this makes sense.”

Her hand rested on my thigh, a little too close for comfort.  “I miss you so much.  If I can’t be with you … I can’t do this, Joe.  I can’t stay here.”

I tilted her chin till her eyes met mine.  “You’ll probably have to stay here tonight, but I’ll figure things out.  I’ll have you out of here tomorrow.  Who’s your lawyer?”

“Avery Anders.  He’s handled Eli’s affairs for years.”

“Roy!”  I hollered.  The sheriff came and unlocked the cells.  “I’m heading out to get Avery Anders.  I’ll bring him here to your office.”

“Can’t do that, Joe.”

“Watch me.”

“That’s not what I mean.  Mr. Anders is defending a man in Carson City.  Told me he’d be back tomorrow.”

“Fine.  Can you give us a minute?”

“Just holler.”

As soon as Roy walked away, I turned back to Anna.  “I’ll spend the night in town and go to Anders’ office first thing in the morning.  I can’t get you out, but he can.  Attorneys know the right words to say.  I don’t.”

“Where will you stay?”

“The International.  Why?”

“Can’t you stay with me?”

I smiled at her naivety.  “As good as that sounds, I doubt Roy Coffee allows overnight guests.”

“But you’ll ask.”

“You bet.”  The hand that rested on my thigh moved higher, and I dragged it back down.  “No, Anna.  I can’t complete the job.”

“I can.”

“Not now.  I need to go.”

According to most, I’d led an easy life, and during my first twenty-one years, I’d been fortunate.  I’ve handled most dilemmas—gunfights, stampedes—and come out a winner, but the look on Anna’s face nearly broke me.  When I leaned down to kiss her, I never thought she’d let go.  That’s when I realized how helpless and abandoned she must’ve felt, and I couldn’t end her pain.

I tried to eat supper, and I tried to sleep.  There was nothing wrong with the food and nothing wrong with the bed, but both were a waste of time.  Some nights never ended.  I survived the endless hours, although I had heavy, dark circles under my eyes when I entered Avery Anders’ office the following morning. 

“My name’s Joe Cartwright, and I’m here on behalf of Anna Miller.”

Anders seemed like a good man.  He knew my father, but only socially.  Pa had employed Hiram Wood for Ponderosa business or anything else that turned up.  There was a time I was in Anna’s shoes, behind bars after being wrongly accused of murder.  To be thrown into a cell and not knowing the outcome is nerve-wracking.   Even if a man’s innocent, there’s no guarantee he won’t be hanged.  Generally, a woman won’t hang, but a life sentence might be the worst of two evils.  I doubt Anna had ever been so scared, but Mr. Anders assured me he’d do everything in his power. 

“Is there a chance of bail?”

“That’s a tough one on a murder charge, but Roy Coffee’s a fair man.  It’s possible.”

“If it helps your case, we’ll look after Anna at the Ponderosa.  I give you my word, and my pa will too, that we’ll make sure she’s available for an inquest or trial, or however this stuff works.” 

When the meeting ended, I shook Avery’s hand and headed down to the jail.  I needed to give Anna the news, but the minute I stepped outside the attorney’s office, I saw Pa riding hellbent up C Street.  I had some explaining to do.

“Hi, Pa.”

My father dismounted.  “Don’t ‘Hi Pa’ me, Joseph.”

“I can explain.”

I pulled my angry father into Daisy’s Café and ordered two blue-plate specials.  A good meal usually cooled his temper, and I waited for our cups to be filled before delving into the sad affair.  We each sipped our coffee, and I told him the story. 

“I’m sorry, Pa. I didn’t have time to ride home.”

“It all makes sense now, Son.” 

“I also asked Mr. Anders to put Anna in our care.  I told him you’d be happy to have her out at the ranch.”

“That’s fine.  The Ponderosa’s the best place she could be.”

“Thanks.  I knew you’d understand.”

My father and I walked into the sheriff’s office together.  After closing the double doors that separated the cells from the main office, Roy motioned us toward his desk.  “Bad business, Ben.  Bad, bad business.”

“What do you mean, Roy?”

“Mrs. Miller.  She’s in a bad way.”

I stared at the double doors as though they were glass, and I could see Anna as good as if I was standing inside her cell.  “What are you saying?” 

“She don’t sleep.  She don’t eat.  If she don’t rock herself like a baby, she paces.  I ain’t never seen anyone so distraught.”

“There’s good cause, Roy.  You’re accusing her of a murder she didn’t commit.  Why shouldn’t she be upset?”

“It’s different, Little Joe.  She ain’t the first person I ever accused of murder, you know.”

“Let me see her.”

“Mr. Anders is with her now.  I’ll let you in after.”

By the time we left Roy’s office, I had Anna in my arms, helping her out the front door.  Anders had done his job well, and she was allowed to come out to the ranch with Pa and me.  We had two days before the inquest, plenty of time for her to eat properly and get some rest.  I felt better about everything now that she was back with me.

I couldn’t throw Anna on the buckboard like I planned, and I asked Pa if he’d drive it home.  She was too troubled by Roy’s accusation, and I would gladly rent a buggy so she’d be more comfortable.  She needed to talk to her girls and pick up a few things from the mansion before we headed out of town. 

“Will you go to the mudroom, it’s just off the kitchen, and grab my carpetbag.  I’ll go on up and gather a few things together.”

Anna had made a complete turnaround since her release.  There was no gray matter.  Only black and white, and I felt like I had something to do with her freedom and her happiness.  When I made my way upstairs to her room, the way she’d positioned herself made me as hard as a rock.

With the blankets flipped over the footboard of her bed, she lay naked with one hand between her legs and the other motioning me closer.  “It might be the last time, Joe.  Let’s not waste it.”

My, God.  Nothing about our relationship was mundane.  Nothing about Anna was disappointing.  She’d led me down a path I couldn’t walk away from.  How could I resist a woman who wanted me and needed me so badly?  I’ve told a bawdy joke or two in my life, but I’d never had a bawdy liaison, and this one came as close as a man could get.  She was my queen, and I was her pawn, and I couldn’t help but do as she asked.

After the deed was done and my clothes were back in place, I helped Anna button at least twenty buttons that ran up the bodice of her dress.  By doing this, I thought we’d eliminated Sissy’s attendance, but I was wrong.  Anna needed her girl to help with her hair.

“Will you wait downstairs, Joe?  Sissy and I won’t be long.”

“Sure.”  The day was shot to hell, and I hoped my father would turn a blind eye to the hour. 

“““““

She reached for her pipe and heated the magnificent little pinch of black tar.  Sissy could wait.  Some things were more important than piling her hair on top of her head.  For the second time that day, she found comfort on her oversized bed.  Cushioned in numerous pillows, she absorbed as much of the golden wonder as possible.  She didn’t have much product left, but she couldn’t ask Joe to make a pitstop in Chinatown, but maybe … maybe Cece would take her place, enter the den, and seek Dr. Lyn when she couldn’t.  Joe would have to wait.  She had to prepare for her stay at the Ponderosa.

Chapter 10

Since Pa beat us home, he had Hop Sing air out one of the guest rooms and put fresh sheets on the bed.  He also added his own touch.  A china vase held an abundance of wildflowers and sat on her bedside table.  I thanked our cook and my father.  They were the best.

“This is your home away from home, Anna.”

“It’s beautiful, and fresh flowers.”  She moved to the side of the bed and enjoyed the fragrance just like Pa hoped she would.

“My father’s idea.”

“They’re lovely.”

“Just like you.”

“Oh, Joe.  What would I do without you?” 

Her arms wrapped around me, and her head rested on my chest.  A simple compliment and she was all over me, but this was my father’s house, and a different set of rules applied.

“Why don’t you get settled, and we’ll visit more later.”

“You’re leaving me?”

“I have to, Anna.  Come on down when you’re ready.”

Pa sipped coffee at the dining room table.  When he saw me coming, he poured me a cup, a second one for himself, and pushed Hop Sing’s fresh cookies my way.  “She getting settled?”

“Yeah.  You impressed her with the flowers.”

“My pleasure.”

“I talked to Avery after you left.”

“Yeah?  He have anything good to say?”

“He did.”

I bit into a cookie.  “Tell me.”

“He ranted about Roy before he got down to business.”  Since I didn’t want to spit crumbs all over the clean tablecloth, I covered my mouth and muffled my laugh.  “In his opinion, there’s no evidence, no eyewitness, and no weapon.  All the sheriff has is a dead body and no one else to blame.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?  We take Anna to the inquest, and that will be the end.”

“Possibly, but I wouldn’t say anything.  Don’t get the young lady’s hopes up before the final verdict.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Probably?”

I smiled at my father.  Ninety-nine percent of the time, he was right.  I’d keep my mouth shut and wait for Roy Coffee to tell Anna she was free, and we’d go on with life as it should be.  A false accusation made everyone feel off balance, waiting and hoping, but it seemed that the right outcome was inevitable.

After supper, which Anna thought was superb and made sure Hop Sing knew how much she appreciated his culinary skills, we excused ourselves and walked outside for a bit of air.  No one should complain, not even Adam.  It’s what Anna and I did even when Eli was alive and sitting at our table. 

But Anna had more in mind.  The days of Eli were over, and we were barely out of sight before she tugged at the belt holding up my trousers. 

It was hard to explain how forceful the lady could be.  She’d never take no for an answer, and because she understood the rules of the house, this was her only chance to have me pleasure her.  And because I knew she liked it rough, I was more willing to oblige without feeling guilty.

I pushed her back against the nearest tree, harder than I planned.  With her hands gripping the trunk, the buttons on her white, cotton blouse strained to stay intact.  Although I wanted to rip her clothes and have my way with her, I remembered where we were and how it would look if we walked back inside the house in a state of undress.

As I pressed my lips against hers, she reacted by dropping my trousers, and after lifting her skirt and petticoats, she guided me inside her, but the angle was much too awkward until I lifted her off the ground, and she wrapped her legs around me.  By the time we finished, we were both on our knees, laughing and rolling in prickly pine until her pinned-up hair fell loose and filled with needles and leaves.  We were a sight, and if I knew Adam, which I did all too well, he’d never let our appearance pass as customary after a short moonlit walk.

We entered through the back door and climbed the back stairs.  I took Anna straight to her room and bid her goodnight.  If I planned things right, maybe Pa would give me half a day off tomorrow, and Anna wouldn’t have to sit in her room alone all day.  I imagined boredom could set in awful quick.

Pa agreed with my plan.  Adam had other business, and if I rode out with Hoss, he thought we could finish the fencing by noon.  I agreed, but I didn’t tell Anna.  Imagining the look on her face when I popped in earlier than expected would make the surprise well worthwhile.

Midway through the morning, Hoss gulped from his canteen.  “You mighta saved that little gal’s life, Joe.”

“I’m sure trying.”

“Who you think done it?”

“Heck if I know.  Give me some of that, will you?”  I took a drink.  “All I know is that Anna’s not a murderer.  She’s better’n that.  She’s sweet and kind and probably doesn’t even know how to handle a gun.”

“You’re probably right.”

“You bet I am.  Let’s get back to work.  I have plans for this afternoon.”

“““““

Anna dressed and descended the stairs.  Not sure who was home or what she might find, she was greeted by Ben, who stood from his desk and escorted her to the dining room table.  While he poured her a cup of coffee, Hop Sing brought out a platter of steaming-hot breakfast delights.

“My goodness.  What’s all this?”

“For Missy.  All on plate I make for you.”

“You’d have to roll me across the floor if I ate everything, but thank you, Hop Sing.  It’s much appreciated.”

Ben chuckled.  “You’ll have to excuse our cook.  He forgets he’s not cooking  for Hoss.”

“Will you join me?”

“No, no.  I had breakfast with the boys before they left.”

“Oh.  It’s late, isn’t it?”

“Not for a lovely lady.  The timing seems perfect.”

“Thank you, Ben.  Now I know where Joe learned to charm the ladies.”

The banter came easy between Ben and a woman young enough to be his daughter.  Anna expressed her fears, and Ben drew on his accomplishments as a father to ease her anxiety over the upcoming inquest.  When he realized she’d relaxed, he offered to hitch the carriage and take her for a ride, but she declined.  Being alone in the house was a priority he’d never understand.

“Don’t worry about me, Mr. Cartwright.  I’d rather take the day to rest than bounce around in a buggy.”

“That’s fine.  I understand completely.”

Anna thought it best to go to her room and let Mr. Cartwright finish his paperwork.  The last thing he needed, or she wanted, was to be entertained all day.  Besides, Joe would be home before supper, and they could take another private walk.  Oh, how she looked forward to those special times.

Did she dare light her pipe in the house?  Would anyone guess her secret?  She had one more pinch of tar left.  Cece said she’d see Dr. Lyn and come out to the Ponderosa with whatever he would give her in exchange for the five-dollar gold piece Anna handed her before she left the house.

It didn’t take long to realize that a wealthy widow was charged more than a prostitute or a vagrant who’d given up food and drink and lodging for a little pinch of tar.  She knew that would never happen to her.  She was a fine lady, not a homeless whore who had nowhere else to go, but it still seemed unfair.  

Everyone was entitled to their choice of entertainment, and she was no exception.  The only reason polite society looked down on the opium trade was its hatred toward the Chinese.  Had a civilized white man offered black tar to the community first, everyone’s thinking would be different.  Every blueblood in Virginia City would be enjoying Dr. Lyn’s remedy for happiness as much as she did.  

After lighting the bedside lamp, she steadied the bowl over the flame.  The anticipation was just as spine-tingling as that first drag from the pipe.  No one understood, and she couldn’t tell Joe.  She couldn’t tell anyone how much pleasure she derived from something the Chinese had enjoyed for hundreds of years.

Her husband had been so set on making his business the best in Nevada, she’d wanted to strangle him.   Sitting at home all day and most evenings while Eli worked late at the office had angered her enough to investigate different forms of entertainment.  She needed something, and the thought of becoming a boring old woman, maybe even fat by the time she was thirty, was an unpleasant notion.  When she realized that opium was a lovely way to spend an evening alone, she invested and made the Chinese contribution to Americans her new way of life.

Lately, though, even a morning smoke had become appealing, but she had a home and money.  That was the difference between her and a lowly prostitute, wasn’t it?  Of course, it was.  She had class, and the girl sweating it out in the den was destined for that life.  That was the way of the world.  Some had every advantage, and some fell into a miserable, poverty-stricken life. 

She’d always lived a privileged life, never having to scrounge for money or position.  Her father was a true Tennessee gentleman and made sure his wife and child had everything they wanted or needed.  It was the southern way of life that carried her through the tough times when her father’s business failed because Northern states refused to buy his goods.  As his business took a downward turn, her father made sure a decent suitor would take care of his only daughter.

Eli Miller was well-to-do.  “The South is doomed,” he said at the last social event her father was able to attend.   The man had big plans and big talk.  Though he wasn’t full of himself, he wasn’t a young man either.  He was smart and eager, and he’d saved nearly every penny he’d earned working for old man Lawson, a man Anna’s father admired.  He’d done well in Tennessee, and he had an inkling to head west. 

When her father invited him to supper, Anna had no idea he’d been brought to the house as a suitor.  He was kind and made her laugh, but he was an old man.   Besides, marriage was the last thing on her mind.  She had plenty of boys her age coming to call, escorting her to dances and parties or on Sunday picnics south of town, so what had her father been thinking when he offered her up to a man who was seventeen years her senior?

Two years later, she found herself married and starting a new life in a Nevada settlement called Virginia City.  Eli worked hard and became a prosperous man with equally wealthy friends, but she and her husband never seemed to be the right quality for the active bluebloods that blacklisted them before ever giving them a chance.  Eli wasn’t concerned, but Anna was devastated.

Even after Eli built the mansion on the outskirts of town, the couple was never invited to parties, and their presence had never been requested for any number of community events.  Only the Cartwrights.  They were the only family who supported them since their arrival, and Anna couldn’t understand why.  If it was their connection to the south, then to hell with them all. 

Anna lay curled on the bed in one of the Ponderosa guestrooms.  Smoke filled the air, but the pipe was empty, and a quiver of panic set in.  If Cece didn’t show up soon, what could she do?  It used to be a way to beat the boredom, but she’d gotten used to smoking every day after Eli died.  Having the whole house to herself, no friends or family to speak of, it seemed only natural to enjoy herself.  And then Joe came to visit, to wish her well, and she latched on like a baby to its mama’s breast.  He had such a tender way about him.  He was so sweet and kind, and he was learning how to shake things up.  He was finding his dark side, and she loved him for giving her everything she desired.

Chapter 11

She brought that awful perfume with her, and it stunk up the whole house.  Pa left a note saying he’d ridden down to the south pasture, which left Anna and Hop Sing at home.  Hoss went straight to the kitchen for a late lunch, and I climbed the stairs, knocked on Anna’s door, and stuck my head inside.  The stench was awful.  Anna sat at the dressing table brushing her long, blonde hair.

“Joe!  I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I have to say that the perfume you use is a tad strong.”

“Perfume?”

“Come on, Anna.  Don’t tell me you don’t smell anything.”

She stood and crossed the room in a huff.  “I’m sorry, Joe.  If I smell that bad, maybe you should open the window.  Better yet, why don’t you just leave the room altogether?”

“Anna, please.  You’re taking this the wrong way.”

“Just go.”  She stretched her arm out tight and pointed to the door.  “Get out and let me be!”

I closed the door behind me, flabbergasted by what just happened and scratching the top of my head.  Hoss stood outside the kitchen and watched me come down the stairs.  By the time I crossed the room, he was dying to ask, “What the heck was that all about?”

“Beats me.  She hates me.”  

“I doubt that, Little Brother.”

“Ask her.  Go up there and ask her.  She’ll tell you.”

“Calm down, Joe.  That little gal don’t hate you.  You’re crazy if you think that.”

“I ain’t going back up there.  If you need me, I’ll be in the barn.”

“Ain’t you gonna eat lunch?”

“Nope.  Take my plate to Anna.  Maybe she’ll go easier on you.”

I walked out the door and made my way to the barn.  Cleaning tack should be a weekly job, but we rarely have time to do it properly.  I did today, though.  I had plenty of time to clean a few saddles and repair anything that made it into the damaged bin.  Anna was in a mood, and I didn’t understand.  “Women.  Can’t live with them, can’t blah, blah, blah.”

“Do you always talk to yourself?”  When her voice filled the barn, I swung around and dropped the lariat I’d just pulled out of the bin.  I wasn’t expecting visitors.  “Hoss told me where you were.”

“Fine.”  I didn’t want to talk.  I wasn’t ready to make peace with a woman who wanted me out of her life.

“You’re mad, and I’m sorry.”

“It’s forgotten.”

“I really am sorry.  I didn’t mean any of the things I said.  I’ll even throw that bottle of perfume away.  You’ll never have to smell it again.”

I must admit, she was trying.  No one could ask for more than that.  “Come here.” Moving as fast as a jackrabbit, she ran into my arms, and I embraced the crazy little blonde that stole my heart and made life more interesting than it ever had been before.  “What would I do without you?”

“Play your cards right, Mister, and you’ll never have to.”

I almost said those magic words, but I held back.  ‘I love you’ had always come easy for me, but not this time.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe the next day, but not right now.  Instead, I kissed her.  “Why don’t I saddle two horses, and we’ll go for a ride.”

“I’d love to.”

Anna rode like she’d been born on a horse.  We sailed across one meadow after another until we reached a high point just west of the lake.  I tied the animals in the shade, and we walked to the overlook where the view was spectacular.

“Is this where you bring all the girls?”

“No, not exactly … well, not for a long time.”

“It’s okay, Joe.  I’m not naïve.  I’m not the first girl you courted.”

“You’re absolutely right.”  I dropped her hand.  “You’re not the first, but I hope you’ll be the last.”

With the first hint of a smile, I grabbed her off the ground and swung her around in a circle.  When I stood her back on her feet, I said those magic words.  “I love you, Anna.  I’ve loved you since the first day I met you.”

“Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear those three little words?”

I didn’t want to change the subject, but we had to be realistic.  “Tomorrow’s the inquest, and as soon as it’s over, we can make plans for our future.”

“It’s like a dream come true, isn’t it?”

“Let’s take a swim.”

“Now?”

“Last one to the lake’s a dirty duck.”  Anna started down the hill before I even finished the sentence, but I was right on her heels and laughing all the way to the water’s edge.  After throwing our boots on the beach and ridding ourselves of everything else, we jumped in the freezing water, and swam out until we could no longer touch the sandy floor.  Treading frantically warmed us both, and we ended up swimming to the nearest boulder and climbing on top.

We baked in the sun until we nearly melted and dropped back into the frigid water.  I could barely touch the bottom, and she giggled when I lifted her and brought her hips to mine.  Being off balance, the suave and polished art of lovemaking failed me, and we bobbed under the water, my sexual advance a thing of the past. 

We lay on the beach.  Using my chest as a pillow, Anna curled up next to me, and it wasn’t long before her hand slipped down my stomach and toyed with me until I turned rock-hard and was ready to go.  As I began to rise, she pushed me back and used the tips of her fingernails to torment me.  And when I couldn’t handle her teasing any longer, she smiled, stood, and ran.  I chased her through the soft, forgiving sand until she slipped and fell.  As she tried to get her footing, I grabbed her ankle, stopped her, and pinned her to the ground.  I held her arms above her head and ravaged the love of my life.

We laughed till we cried.  Playacting became the norm, and every day was an adventure I hoped would never end, but it was time to start back to the house.  Pa would be waiting for supper, and Hop Sing would be ranting.  The afternoon had proved extraordinary, and I never felt more alive.

Chapter 12

Anna wasn’t convinced we made the right decision, but I guaranteed her my father would be an asset rather than a hindrance at the inquest.  He knew more than I did about the law and knew what questions to ask.  He’d know if things were going in the wrong direction.  My pa was smart that way.

The inquest was a small affair held in the sheriff’s office.  Only Anna’s attorney, the prosecutor, Paul Martin, and Roy were present.   Avery Anders stood from his chair and smiled.  “You’re free to go,” Mrs. Miller.  I looked at Pa.  Pa looked at Roy, and Roy shrugged his shoulders.

“Weren’t my decision to make, Ben.  Anders and Albright hashed things out and decided there weren’t enough evidence to go to trial.  It’s all over, Ma’am.  Mr. Anders told you straight.  You’re free to go.”

I took Anna in my arms and let her cry on my shoulder.  “Everything’s fine now.  No more worries.”  I hadn’t realized how much she agonized over her dilemma.  No wonder she blew up at me yesterday.  I nodded at her attorney and mouthed, “Thank you,” before walking her outside.  A breath of fresh air always improved a person’s frame of mind, but what would happen now?  I didn’t quite know.  “I should take you home.”

“But all my things.  They’re out at the Ponderosa.”

“I’ll bring them to the mansion tomorrow.  That’s okay, isn’t it?”

“Not really.  My face powder, my hairbrushes … I need those things, Joe.  Why don’t I spend one more night?  Can you bring me to town tomorrow?”

“Fine by me.”

“One more thing.  Can we stop by my house first?  I’d like to tell my girls … you know.”

“Sure.  I’ll tell Pa, and then we can go.”

“““““

She prayed Cece had been to the den and was back at the house by the time they arrived.  Being out in the country had its benefits and its beauty, but there were too many drawbacks, and easy access to Dr. Lyn was a priority.  Plus, she couldn’t have Joe packing up her things and finding her paraphernalia.  That could end their relationship for good, and that’s the last thing she wanted. 

Not knowing how Joe might react, she’d kept her craving hidden.  She couldn’t lose him; he meant everything to her.  Now that Eli was out of her life, and there’d be no trial, she was free to pursue any man she wanted, but Joe was every man rolled into one.  He was every woman’s dream, and he loved her.  Her life was complete.

Chapter 13

We didn’t arrive home until late afternoon.  Cece had a chore to run for Anna, so we spent half the day on the porch swing, talking and laughing, not a care in the world except Pa.  He’d be madder’n a hornet, but I didn’t mention that to the lovely woman sitting next to me.  Another day wasted.  I’d have to work double hard next week just to make up for all the hours I’d spent with Anna over the last month.

An important question rumbled around in my head.  Was I ready to take the next step?  My heart said yes, but Pa always told me I was short on brains if I didn’t think things through.  But what was there to think about?  I loved Anna.  I wanted to be with her every waking and sleeping moment.  Nothing wrong with that, was there?  Pa would ask me to slow down, and Adam would say straight to my face that I was a fool, but I could always count on Hoss. There was more truth in that big grin of his than words could ever express.

I turned on the seat and faced Anna.  Her eyes sparkled.  Everything about her had changed since the inquest.  She looked relaxed.  Every line of worry had disappeared since she’d been set free.

“Marry me.”

“What?”

“Marry me.”

“Isn’t it too soon?  Won’t people talk?”

“Hell with them.  Anna, I love you.  I don’t want us to be apart any longer.”

Anna loved to ham it up, and she pinched her finger and thumb together at her hairline and pulled a pretend veil down over her face.  “At least a year.  Two and a half at the most.”

“Mourning?  No, Anna.  We’re not wasting a year of our lives so you can march around town dressed in black.”

“If you’re sure.  If you’re really sure.”  My arm rested on the back of the swing, which made it easy to pull her closer and dream of our future together.  “When will you tell your family?”

“Tonight, at supper.  There’s no reason to put it off.  I want us to be married as soon as possible.”

“Where will we live, Joe?  Can you live in town?  Can you be away from the ranch?”

“I don’t know.  It’s not very practical.”  Guess I hadn’t thought things through after all.  “I’d have a long ride to and from every day.”

“I’m a city girl, Sweetheart.  I don’t know anything about milking cows or feeding chickens.  I’d be lost out in the country.  And what about Sissy and Cecelia?  I can’t turn them out on the streets.”

I took her hands in mine.  “What if I built a house halfway?  We’d still be on the Ponderosa, and it would be an easy drive to town.  If the girls are coming with us, I’ll build two extra rooms.”  When Anna laughed, I smiled, but was I wrong to think we could meet halfway? 

“Do you know how much I love you?  Do you realize what you’ve said?  I don’t want to be that kind of wife, demanding this and demanding that.  I want to be your lover … and your friend.  I just want things to stay the same.  Is that too much to ask?”

“Does that mean you won’t marry me?”

“I didn’t say that, Joe.  Of course, I’ll marry you.  I just don’t know ….”

“Let me worry about the particulars.  It’s gotta work, Anna.  I’m not sure how, but I’ll make it work.  You’ll see.”

As soon as Cecelia returned and Anna had a few minutes with her, we left the swing and the mansion and headed out to the ranch.

We had a short time to clean up and dress appropriately before Hop Sing called supper.  Anna went to her room, and I washed up in mine.  When Pa called up the stairs, we walked down together, crossed the room, and sat side by side at the table.  Pa wasn’t stupid.  I wonder if he’d already guessed what I wanted to say.

We all dressed for company, white shirts and black ties, but as soon as Anna and I were married, we could drop all the formalities and enjoy each other’s company. No more putting on airs and watching every move we made. The family could relax.

I let the family discuss Ponderosa business first.  Though Anna wasn’t interested in cows or chickens, this was our way of life, and she needed to learn what it took to run a ranch.  It wasn’t anything like the life she led with Eli.  He was a suit-and-tie man, a paper-pusher, not a man with callouses on his hands and skin worn and toughened from the hot Nevada sun.  When the conversation died, it was my turn to talk.  I cleared my throat, and all eyes turned toward me. 

“I have something to say.”

“Go on, Son.  No one’s stopping you.”

Under the table, we held hands.  I was as nervous as I’ve ever been, and little trickles of sweat crept down my temples.  “I’ve asked Anna to be my wife, and we want to be married as soon as possible.”  Everyone stared as though I’d grown two heads.  “I know it’s kind of soon, but—”

“Soon?  I hope you’re not serious.”

“That’s enough, Adam.”

“Surely, you’re not going along with this … this … her husband’s hardly cold in the grave, Pa.”

My father flew from his chair and pointed to the front door.  “Enough!  Get out now.  Leave me alone with your brother.”  

“But Pa?”

“Go on, now.  Go with your brother, Hoss.”

As soon as the heavy door slammed shut, Pa glared at me before he returned to his seat.  I didn’t move a muscle.  I knew enough to stay quiet and let him think before he said something he might regret.  With Anna by my side, I figured Pa would be on his best behavior, but my announcement came as a shock, and I couldn’t expect him to congratulate us without addressing his fatherly concerns.

“Joseph ….”

“Sir?” 

Pa began pacing.  That was never a good sign, and I gripped Anna’s hand tighter.  “Your brother wasn’t totally wrong, you know.  A decent mourning period is customary in these parts.”

“I know it is, but why should we wait if we’re in love?  Sure, we can sneak around for another year or so, but is that wise?  Wouldn’t it look worse if those nosey bluebloods saw me lurking around the Millers’ mansion?  Think of the gossip, Pa.”

This whole marriage business was hard on my father.  Our plan went against traditions set by those who fashioned the rules, but I’d presented a good case.  At least it made sense to Anna and me.  Get married and get on with our lives.  Was that so hard to understand? 

“You’re not a child, Joseph.  You’re old enough to make your own decisions, but I want you to think this through.  You, too, Anna.  This is a big decision for both of you.  Marriage is—”

“Yes, I know, Mr. Cartwright, and I believe Joe does too.  This wasn’t a snap decision.  We’ve been seeing quite a bit of each other over the last few weeks, and before that, well … I dare say I was attracted to your son when I shouldn’t have been.  Don’t get me wrong.  Joe was a perfect gentleman when Eli was alive.”

“I’ve never doubted my son, Mrs. Miller.”

“I didn’t mean … I just wanted you to know you raised a decent man.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment, but that’s not the real problem, is it?”

Anna left my side, crossed the room, and reached for my father’s hand.  “I’ll be a good wife, Mr. Cartwright.”

“I’m sure you will, and you’ll have my blessing … you and Joseph.”

I moved next to my fiancée and smiled at my father.  “We’ll make you proud, Pa.”

“““““

Joe wanted the night to be special, and it had been, although she needed time alone.  This was her last night at the Ponderosa, and she had to be careful.  No one needed to know her secret.  Maybe somewhere down the road, but there’d been enough excitement for one day.  Throwing her obsession at Joe and his father would be too much.  In time, they’d both understand.

A countless number of folks were quick to badmouth a woman who smoked a cheroot, but even worse was a woman who enjoyed bits of tar as much as she did.  The dens had gotten a bad name over the years.  Polite society had closed their minds to the benefits of Chinese medicines, but Anna was not one of them.  She appreciated the rewards.

Since Joe had made such a fuss over her new “perfume,” she didn’t dare smoke inside the house.  Not long after he’d taken her to her room, she waited until his family had gone to bed before tiptoeing down the back stairs and out the kitchen door.

There was a chill in the air, and rain had begun to fall.  The hot days of summer had given way to autumn and cooler nights.  If she hadn’t been so set on finding a place to smoke without getting caught, she would’ve brought her cape, but she wouldn’t be long.  If she could slip inside the barn without being seen, the opium would warm her insides and she’d never feel the cold.

She lit a lantern and began the well-known ritual.  Soften the tar, inhale, and let the remedy soar through every inch of her body.  Opium was such a joy; she didn’t understand why a selected group of people were so opposed to something so pleasant.  The Chinese weren’t stupid people, only different, and that’s why the socialites balked at anything new they brought to America.  An enhanced life wasn’t something to complain about. 

The thought of pleasuring herself became overwhelming.  She’d have to remain in the barn longer still, but the fear of being caught won out.  Demanding attention, she felt the muscles between her legs contract and relax, but she didn’t dare go there.  She needed to get back to the house.  Maybe then, but not in the barn.  Not when the odds of losing everything were so great.  She rolled to her knees, slid her hand up the half wall, and forced the nauseating feeling away. 

After opening the door a crack, she held her pipe within the folds of her dressing gown and ran through the pouring rain toward the back door.  Breathing hard, she climbed the stairs and slipped into her bedroom.  Safe.  This time.  Her heart raced like a flying bullet.  Her cheeks were ruddy from the cold, and she was soaked to the skin, but her hunger had been satisfied.  She shed every stitch of wet clothing and crawled under the covers, far from the soft linen she was used to.  She closed her eyes and parted her legs enough to let her fingers toy with the only warmth her body offered.

Chapter 14

Our wedding plans came together without much deliberation.  It would take place on the Ponderosa, and only our closest friends would be invited.  Mitch, Seth, Paul Martin, Roy Coffee, and Reverend Jordon.  That was enough for me, and Anna felt the same.  There was no argument, no absurd demands from an anxious fiancée, and no turning back, not that I had any notion of doing so. 

I loved Anna, and she loved me.  Why was it so improper for the two of us to marry?   Adam had reservations.  Brother Hoss seemed thrilled at the prospect, and Pa wanted me to be happy.  The big day couldn’t come soon enough, and it would give the Virginia City elites an exciting new event to kick about and see how it blossomed with each telling.

I took Anna home yesterday.  Even though she begged me to stay, I had work to do, and it wasn’t a good time to disappoint my father.  With him on my side, we could move forward with our plans.  Anna seemed to understand.  In just a couple of weeks, our problems would be over.  We’d be legal, able to walk down the boardwalk together and show our faces at restaurants and plays.

At night, I’d lie in bed with a woman who loved me and wanted me more than anything.  How could I ask for more?  Nothing about Anna was prudish or prissy.  She liked to play games, to taunt and tease, a young man’s dream come true.

“““““

“I have to work.”  We weren’t even married.  “I can’t disappoint my father.”  What about her?  Didn’t anyone think she might be disappointed when every man she knew ran out on her?  Why didn’t anyone care?  Not Eli.  Not Joe.  Were all men alike?  Her feelings were never considered, and boredom was a curse, her curse.  She couldn’t get past the feeling that there was more to life than sitting at home, having a maid do this and a maid do that.  What was the point?  Why get up in the morning if the love of your life left early and didn’t return till late at night? 

Day after day, she stared at four patterned walls.  Should she change the wallpaper, move a picture, or a heavy piece of furniture?  What was her role?  What was her purpose?  Why did they always leave her behind with too much time to dwell on her own unease?

“I’m going to my room, Cece.” 

The dual staircases wound in a semicircle, one to the left and one to the right.  Anna took the right going up and the left coming down.  It became a ritual from the first day she moved into the mansion.  Up on the right.  Down on the left.  She counted the steps.  Eighteen up.  Eighteen down.  Another habit from day one.

She wouldn’t open the window.  Gray clouds had ambushed the sun, and a cold wind blew in from the north.  Her pipe lay in plain sight.  She picked it up from the bedside table and used her many bed pillows to cocoon her body while she smoked.

The ritual came easy, though the excitement of heating the tar and the anticipation of that first draw wasn’t what it once was, and she found herself indulging more frequently.  A Friday night fling turned into once a day, but as of late, once a day was for those who couldn’t afford to pamper themselves, and money was never an obstacle.

When the tar turned a golden brown, she drew in and inhaled a weighty measure that plunged through every organ and slithered down each limb until it tingled her toes and fingers.  Euphoria flooded her senses, and she dropped her pipe on the bed.  She needed Joe more than he’d ever need her, but fixating on what was wrong rather than what was right left her empty, and she picked up her pipe.  Twice before noon ….

She dug through her drawers and found items she could substitute for the man who chose to work and leave her alone to fend for herself.  The handle of her brush or the bamboo pipe Dr. Lyn had sold her the first day she’d been to his den would have to do.  “Damn you all to hell, Joe Cartwright.” 

When Cece knocked on the bedroom door at lunchtime, Anna sent her away.  After finding attainable peace alone in her room, the last thing she wanted was someone fussing at her to eat.  Eli had been a disappointment, and Joe Cartwright wasn’t far behind.  If pleasing his father was more important than satisfying her, why in God’s name had she agreed to marry him?  She lit her pipe.

Darkness settled over the mansion.  Was Joe coming that night?  The next?  What had he said?  She couldn’t seem to breathe.  She needed air and wrapped her heavy cape around her shoulders. After opening her bedside drawer and discovering all the tar was gone, her anxiety escalated out of control.

“Cece!”

The young, black maid came running.  “Yes’um.  What you need, Missy?”

Anna handed her two gold coins.  “Go now!”

“Missy, please.  It late.  It too dark—”

“Now, Cece!  Go now!” 

“Yes’um.”

“And don’t dawdle!”

Anna stood outside the front door and watched Cecelia scurry down B Street until she was absorbed by the night.  The wind blew hard, and under her cape, she only wore her dressing gown and slippers.  She shivered, ran back inside the house, and paced one hallway then another. 

She couldn’t sit down.  She couldn’t stop moving or her body would betray her, but there was no gratification in movement either.  The strength of her habit sucked the breath from her lungs and doubled her over with cramps that forced her to climb the eighteen stairs to lie down in the comfort of her pillows and hope that Cece wouldn’t be much longer.

No one would understand.  The remedy had taken hold, and it seemed that she enjoyed the Chinese medicine more and more each day.  No longer was it a lark, a little game.  Opium had become an essential part of her life, and she vowed to never go without again.  Never would she let her stash run dry.  The remedy was more important than Eli could ever have imagined, and as she swung her legs across linen sheets to the floor and paced the claustrophobic room, she realized she could never tell Joe.

Chapter 15

With Cecelia gone, Sissy answered the front door.  “Mr. Joe.  Come in, please.  You wait.  I get Missy.”

“Don’t bother.  Is she upstairs?”

“Yes, but—”

“Don’t worry.  She won’t mind.”  I ran up the stairs and tapped on her door before letting myself in.  “Hey, Darlin’.  Whew … it’s darn cold out there.”  I started to slip off my jacket when I noticed Anna’s face, red and sweaty and glassy-eyed.  “Don’t you feel well?”

“No.”

“Why aren’t you resting?”  I helped her into bed and pulled both quilts up over her shoulder.  She shivered and tears appeared in her eyes.  “What’s wrong, Sweetheart?  What hurts?”

“Everything.”

“I’ll get the doc.”

“No, no doctor.”

“If you’re sick.”

“I feel better already … now that you’re here.”  Anna curled in a ball and pulled her knees to her chest.  I slid a chair up close, took her right hand in mine, and listened to words I longed to hear.   “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Sweetheart, but maybe the doc has something that will ease—”

“No, Joe.  I’m fine, really.  It must’ve been something I ate.”  Her hand gripped tighter to mine.  “Lie with me.   Hold me tight.”

I shed my gunbelt and boots and slid under the covers behind her.  She reached for me, and I wrapped my arms around her small frame.  The odor was back, that god-awful perfume I thought she’d thrown away.  She felt so low, I wouldn’t mention it, but why on earth?

Since I didn’t leave the house until after supper, I told Pa I’d spend the night at the International, but he knew the truth.  Everyone did, but I didn’t care.  We’d be married soon enough, and I wouldn’t have to lie about anything.

Anna continued to shiver, and I held her as close to my body as possible until she fell asleep in my arms.  Neither of us moved until light crept through her window the following morning.  I couldn’t hang around.  I planned to meet my brothers in the south pasture so we could push about two hundred head of cattle.  They’d eaten the grass down to the nubs, and if we wanted to fatten them up, they needed a new meadow. 

I slipped on my boots and gunbelt and bent to tie the leather thong around my leg when Anna’s eyes opened.  “You’re leaving?”

I sat on the edge of the bed.  “I have to, but I’ll be back tonight.  How about we go to Antonio’s and order two big plates of spaghetti and one of his special wines?”

“That would be nice.”

I kissed her forehead.  “You feel better this morning?”

“Much.”

“I’m glad.  Rest up, and I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

I reached for my jacket and hat, leaned down for one more kiss, and shut the bedroom door on my way out.

“““““

“Cece!”

As soon as Joe Cartwright walked out the front door, Cece ran up the stairs to Anna’s room.  “I’m sorry, Missy.  The doctor no have what you need.  He say shipment come early today.”

“Need is a strong word, Cece, and I don’t want to hear it again, you understand?  Help me dress.  I’ll go see the doctor myself.”

A gentle breeze reddened her face as she hurried down the mountain to Chinatown and Dr. Lyn’s den.  Though it seemed farther than usual, she kept a steady pace until she opened the heavy plank door that hid the derelicts and prostitutes from the rest of decent society.  Spending any amount of time in the company of people who weren’t her kind made her skin crawl.  Who were these people, and why were they allowed to smoke all the opium that should be hers?

She begged a young Chinaman to bring the doctor to her, but he shook his head.  “He not here.”

“Where is he?  When will he return?”

“Not long.  I find nice pallet.  You wait.”

After giving the pigtailed boy a disappointing sigh, she agreed to accompany him to a small, wooden pallet near the rear of the den.  Some pallets were larger.  They accommodated more than one person; even a group might assemble and share a pipe.  As soon as the young man bowed and walked away, she had a crazy thought.  Would someone share with a stranger?  She couldn’t deal with the agony much longer, and she had money.  She could pay for a pinch.

Even though Joe’s gentle touch had eased some of the pain, her muscles still constricted and convulsed.  Her mouth had gone as dry as a desert storm, and her legs felt like willow branches in the wind.  Dizziness became a constant battle.

After letting her eyes search the darkened room, she spotted a trail of smoke and ventured closer to one of the larger pallets where an older man held a pipe to his lips.  He looked innocent enough, and when his eyes met hers, she cleared her throat and asked, “May I join you?”

He laid his pipe aside, pushed up from a prone position, and reached for her hand.  “Of course, Pretty Lady.” 

Using a gentle touch, he pulled her down on the pallet next to him.  With a smile on his face, the old man adjusted his cock, so she was sure to see.  Had she made a mistake?  Had she picked the wrong pallet?  No matter.  She’d keep an eye out for Dr. Lyn and be on her way in no time.  The filthy old man could play with himself all he wanted.  She’d have no part of his vulgar behavior.

He offered his pipe and lit the small ball of tar.  “Name’s Leon.  Yours?”

“Anna—” Her hand flew to her mouth.  Why had she said that?  What the hell was she thinking?

While Leon drank from a bottle of rye, Anna took hold of the pipe, adjusted herself on one of the pillows, and inhaled the beautiful, wonderful tar, but the old man’s generosity wasn’t heartfelt.  He wanted a return on his investment, and his hand began to roam.

By the time she realized his intentions, he had the bodice of her dress unbuttoned and he’d untied the satin ribbons of her chamise.  Leaning forward, he covered her breast with his mouth, but she didn’t turn him away.  The thrill of a man taking what he wanted caused her to draw deeper on the pipe and pretend she and Joe were roleplaying.  When he lay his right thigh over her left, then pushed his knee upward until he split her legs apart, she couldn’t help but seize the moment and welcome the old man to her world.

Since she hadn’t complained, Leon lifted her skirt and slipped his hand inside her fancy undergarments.  When the liquid warmth between her legs urged him on, he eased her thighs farther apart and inserted three fat fingers.  Without being able to control what came naturally, her muscles contracted and held him in place.  Although she tried to hold back, a cry of elation escaped, and Leon took that as a sign.  He lowered his trousers and straddled his new friend, a willing whore named Anna.

When he lifted his engorged cock for her to see, she realized a hunger she’d never known.  A stranger, an old man named Leon, had aroused her, and she crooked her legs farther apart as an invitation for him to satisfy the empty feeling that haunted her night and day.

Through his thick, gray beard, the old man looked down and groused a few unsavory remarks that didn’t sit well with Anna, but she was in no position to object.  When he gripped her thighs and lifted her legs from the pallet, he forced her ankles behind his back, and because his words had been so unkind, she knew the devil had come to call. 

No … she’d come to call.  She was to blame.  She brought this on herself, and she’d have to take any punishment he dished out.  As she drew long and hard on the old man’s pipe, the thought of him taking advantage didn’t seem so bad after all.  A trade was a trade.  She knew that now.

No one in the den cared if a man mounted a woman, and no one would ever conclude that she wasn’t a willing participant.  Searching for a hit of opium had been a mistake, but she’d never have to see him again.  Cece would do her bidding from now on.

The den was full of prostitutes, not women of class.  Even if they spotted her in Chinatown, every white man or woman had a connection with the Chinese.  Maybe it was something as simple as handling a basket of laundry.  Excuses could be made if needed.

Indigents made a habit of entering a den for a few hits on someone’s pipe.  When money was scarce, people were more than happy to spread their legs or pull out their overused cocks and service the individual who held the key to their happiness.  Even during her brief visits to Dr. Lyn’s den, she’d seen women with women and men with men, and she’d been in awe over how it all worked.

Leon stared at Anna’s pale flesh, a fancy lady who spread her legs and appeared as anxious as a bitch in heat.  He pinned her with his weight, caught his breath, and guided his penis deep inside.  He’d known women like her all his life, prudish and proper in the light of day, but possessed the same urges as healthy young men when the lights were dimmed.  He learned early on that a Chinese den surpassed any whorehouse in town.  One hit of the golden tar and a woman lay flat on her back and offered herself faster than a man could react.  The woman who called herself Anna walked in with an air of elegance but would walk away from his pallet a common whore.

She lay as if she were sleeping, but he knew better.  After having her once, he savored a long pull of rye before rolling her on her stomach and lifting her hips high in the air.  Again, he banged flesh against flesh until his seed spilled inside.  She barely moved.  She endured more than a lady should.  And when he invited his friends to bring their pipes and share his woman, she had a look on her face he’d never seen before.  Was she geared up for the men surrounding the pallet, or was she frozen with fear? 

He motioned to Carlton. “You want her first?”  The young man stepped forward and dropped six bits in Leon’s hand.  He’d done this before, and he knew the going rate. 

Everyone was on a first-name basis in the den, and Leon’s young friend couldn’t rid his mud-caked trousers fast enough.  “Hello, Miss,” he said as he pulled his cock from his long johns and drove it inside.  When he reached his zenith and before he crashed down beside her, he saw tears slip from her eyes, but he’d seen that before, and he wasn’t in the mood to comfort an everyday slut.  She’d come to the den.  What the hell did she expect?

He flung his right arm across her waist so no one else could take her until he finished.  Although he was young, he needed a minute to muster up his second wind and he flipped her over and sodomized her with as much force as he’d used just minutes ago.  The petite blonde cried out, “No!  God, no.” 

Carlton forced his swollen cock farther inside, but he had to shut her up.  With his free hand, he clamped down on her mouth.  “That’s enough, Bitch.  The doc don’t tolerate no screaming whores.”  And then he was done.

Gordon Peters stepped forward before Leon had a chance to pick someone else.  He looked over his shoulder at Jeff and James, and his oily smile assured the blonde-haired brothers he planned to take his time and their only choice was to stand back and wait their turns.  He’d seen the beautiful woman and was eager to plant his seed.  With his prison days behind him, he knew a Chinese den was the perfect place to let out any pent-up anger he felt over his unjustified incarceration.

The brothers came next, and James, the older of the two, let his young brother go first.  Since he‘d been a frequent visitor for the last two years, he didn’t want to ruin the experience for Jeff, his first time inside a den.  He’d let the boy have a fun little romp then show him how a real man handled a whore.  These ladies were tough.  They expected the worst, and James was eager to prove his maturity, something Jeff needed to learn if he was ever going to become a real man.

By the time James was finished, Anna was as limp as a rag doll, and Leon told the men still standing in line to scatter.  He took one more poke before pushing the ragged-looking wench off his pallet.  She’d walked in a beautiful woman, a woman of quality, but just as he predicted a few hours ago, the lady would leave the den nothing but a common whore.

The abuse had left her too weak to move.  By late afternoon, her dress had been torn, and her soft cotton undergarments were frayed beyond repair.  Her milky, white skin was slathered with semen and blood, and her beautiful, blonde hair was matted with sweat and other bodily fluids.  When the young, black woman entered the darkened den, she roamed the pallets until she found her mistress.  Cece pulled the black cape over Anna’s shoulders and tied the ribbons of her winter bonnet under her chin. 

“Come with me, Missy.  I know you hurtin’, but we gots to go ‘fore Mr. Joe come lookin’.”

The words sunk in and with Cece’s help, Anna stood from the dirt floor of the den.  Leaning heavily on her maid, she made it out the front door, looked up the mountain, and into the low sunlight that shadowed the mansion.  How would she ever make it home? 

After climbing the mountain and the eighteen stairs, Cece undressed Anna and cleaned what she could.  Both legs were sticky and raw.  Golden and gray bruises covered all four limbs and each hip, and the cut on her bottom lip was exaggerated by the swelling.  When Cece found long, narrow bruises under her chin, she knew how terribly her mistress had been treated.   

“Don’t let him see me like this.”

“How I keep him away?”

“Figure something out.  Don’t you dare let him in this room.”

Chapter 16

I packed a clean white shirt and black string tie in my saddlebags.  Since the mansion was closer than riding home, it seemed the smart thing to do.  I could clean up at Anna’s before we went to Antonio’s.  Hopefully, she felt better.  If not, we could always spend the evening at home. 

I stabled Cooch in the barn behind the house, walked around to the front door, and knocked before I let myself in.  After all this time, it seemed silly to wait for Cece to answer.  If we were messing with the rules and getting married too soon, opening the front door was the least of my worries.

“Anna?  You home?”

Cece came running.  “No, Mr. Joe.  Missy still sick.  She don’t want no company.”

“Don’t be silly.  Has the doc been here?”

“No but—”

I ran up the stairs and pushed her bedroom door open.  “Sweetheart?”

She brought the quilt up over her head.  “Go away.”

“Anna … it’s me.”

“Go away.”

I moved closer to the bed.  “Why are you acting like this?”

“Please go.”

“No, I won’t leave until you tell me what’s wrong.”  I reached for the quilt, but she held tight.  “You’re not still sick, are you?”

I eased the quilt from her hand, but I wasn’t prepared.  I tried to turn away, tried to think what to say, but tears welled as I leaned over the bed and smoothed her golden hair.  My stomach reeled, but I didn’t have time to be ill.  I had to stay strong for Anna.

“My, God.  How …”

“I’m all right.”

“All right?  I’m not blind, Anna.”

“I’ll be fine.”

If the situation hadn’t been so dire, I would’ve laughed at her lousy choice of words.  “Fine?  You’re anything but fine.  Can you sit up?  Can you tell me what happened?”

“No … I don’t know.”

She answered through uneven breaths.  Did she feel exposed?  Is that why she wouldn’t look at me?  I turned and left her bedside.   Someone attacked and nearly killed my fiancée, and she wasn’t willing to talk.  Who hated her so much that they beat her half to death?  My God.  Was this my fault?  Had someone hated seeing the two of us together?

I ran down the stairs and confronted Cecelia.  “What the hell’s going on?”

“Missy hurt.”

“I know that.  Who hurt her?”

“I not know.  Missy no tell.”

I was ready to blow.  No one would talk, but it felt like everyone had answers except me.  “I’m going for the doc.  Anna needs a doctor.”  Cece stared at the floor.  She wouldn’t look up, and she didn’t argue.  I left through the back door, saddled my horse, and rode to Paul Martin’s office.

“I need you, Paul.  Anna Miller has been—”

“Anna Miller?”

“Yes, sir.  Someone beat her half to death.”

Paul grabbed his bag and slipped on his coat and hat.  “I’ll have to get my buggy.”

Damn, I hadn’t thought of that.  “Right.  I’ll ride down and tell Rudy to hitch your horse.” 

We were back at the mansion within the hour.  Though Doc made me wait downstairs, I thought it unfair, but I had the sense not to argue.  Cece held up a bottle of whiskey, and I nodded my head. “Please.”  As comfortable as I’d become with her and Sissy, on this occasion, I felt like an uninvited guest. 

While I chose the floral wingback chair, Cece and Sissy parked themselves on the settee and held hands.  Silence filled the room, the ticking grandfather clock the only sound.  I finished my drink and looped my leg over the arm of the chair.  It wasn’t appropriate, and Pa would’ve scolded me, but I’d thrown respectability out the window a long time ago.

Waiting wasn’t my forte.  There was nothing I disliked more.  By the time Paul started down the stairs, I’d nearly lost patience with the entire business known as medical science.  Cece and Sissy had just headed to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, and I stood from my chair.

“Well?”

“She’s been hurt, but you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“I did, but I don’t know who did the damage.”

“She lay very still while I examined her.  I told her she’d have to report the incident to the sheriff, and nothing more was said after that.  She’s very closed-mouthed about the whole affair.”

“She won’t talk to me either, Doc.”

“I don’t understand what the connection is between you two.”

“Anna’s my fiancée.  We’re to be married in a couple of weeks … oh, and you’re invited, of course.”

Paul covered his mouth and cleared his throat.  “I didn’t know.”

“No one does yet.”

“Sit down, Joe.”

Paul’s tone made me nervous, but I did as he asked.  “There’s something you haven’t told me, isn’t there?”

“Anna was assaulted … savagely.”

When I sprang from my chair, Doc insisted I sit back down.  “She’ll be fine, but it might be a kindness to postpone the wedding until she’s … let’s say, ready for married life.”

I couldn’t look at Paul.  I wanted to cover my ears so I couldn’t hear another word.  My focus was on the myriad of bruises and the cut on Anna’s lip.  To know she’d been assaulted took the ordeal up a notch.  Did I know the man?  Did he live in Virginia City, or was he a transient, a drifter we’d never see again?

My father’s god had failed Anna and me in so many ways.  I tried to be a good person, but I couldn’t begin to grasp how someone so vile could enter our lives and destroy a decent woman who never hurt a soul.

“Can I see her now?”

“I gave her some laudanum, and you can give her a teaspoon every four hours if she still hurts.  She’ll sleep for a while, but you’re welcome to sit with her if you wish.”

“Thanks, Doc.  Thanks for coming.”

“I’ll check in tomorrow.  I’ll have to tell Roy.  He’ll do what he can.”

“All right.”

“Should I send someone out to tell your pa?”

“Just tell him I won’t be home.  I won’t be leaving here anytime soon.”

Since Anna had been dosed with laudanum, I saw Paul to the door, stabled my horse, and then went to sit with her.  The night was long.  I didn’t get much sleep, but she slept like a rock.  It seemed like a good thing.  Maybe it was the laudanum.  If you weren’t used to the drug, it could really knock you out.  Doc would be pleased by the results.

There are times in a man’s life when he feels worthless and hollow inside.  He would offer up his life if he thought it would help, but he realizes there’s nothing he can do.  He’s at a loss.  There are no answers, and he waits.  He wonders what he could’ve done different, but his mind can’t conjure up anything worthwhile.  He couldn’t be everywhere at once, but he feels he’s to blame all the same.

I leaned forward in the chair and cradled my head in my hands.  Morning came, and still, Anna slept.  I never thought the night would end, but it did.  I expected the daylight hours would be painfully long, too. 

“““““

Anna felt his presence.  She didn’t dare open her eyes, but her bladder was full, and lying still and feigning sleep had grown uncomfortable.  How long until the sheriff came and grilled her?  Would Joe be in the room?  The doctor? 

Her body ached.  Her arms felt heavy, and her lip … had it bled?  It felt swollen, thick, and ugly.  She needed time alone.  She didn’t need an audience, but how would she manage such an odd request?  Joe would be the worst of all.  He’d never leave her side, but how long could it go on?  Twelve hours?  Twenty-four?  Even an hour seemed like an eternity.   Even though she couldn’t remember everything, her mind slipped back to the den … and Leon. 

She’d pulled the wooden door and stepped inside, but Dr. Lyn wasn’t there.  A man named Leon, old and grizzly with lots of unruly gray hair, a man who reeked of whiskey and filth, had offered his pipe, and she joined him on his pallet. 

Holding its length over the flame, he heated the tar and waited for her to settle on the largest pillow before handing her the bowl of golden ecstasy.  She tried to contain her excitement as she drew heavily and felt the power of the Chinese remedy drift through her.  When his hand began to roam, she didn’t much care.  She’d let him caress her breasts.  What could it hurt?  Let him get his jollies.  She owed him that much.  Besides, no one would be the wiser, and it was the least she could offer for a hit or two from his pipe. 

He was an old man, and it was just a bit of fondling, but when her nipples hardened against the soft cotton fabric of her brand-new dress, she wasn’t about to let the warmth between her legs distract her from enjoying Leon’s tar.  She appreciated that the feeling was only natural and had nothing to do with desire for some old geezer, and she tried to tamp it down before Leon realized her need to be pleasured, but not by him.  Please, God.  Not by him.

But something went wrong.  In an instant, he’d climbed on top of her and pinned her to the pallet.  Everything happened so fast.  He forced her legs apart, and instead of fighting him off, she clutched the pipe tighter and drew deeper as though his presence meant nothing, but it meant everything.  And when her muscles contracted around him, he reacted like a man possessed. 

But euphoria never lasts.  Coins were exchanged, and one man after another bore down on her with swollen cocks although the final humiliation came when one of the men forced three fingers halfway down her throat.  When she tried to turn away, he pulled his fingers and bit down hard on her lip, leaving not only a scar but memories that would last a lifetime.    After releasing himself from his long johns, he dangled his penis over her face.  Again, she turned her head, but he wasn’t pleased.  He grabbed her chin and forced himself inside her mouth. 

“Take it, you fuckin’ bitch?”

Hairpins dug into her scalp as the foul man placed one hand on the pallet and one at the top of her head.  With his swollen penis jamming the back of her throat, tears slipped from her eyes and soaked her shiny, blonde curls Joe made a point of caressing.

“Get goin’, Baby.  You know what to do.”

Blood seeped from the cut on her lip, and when he ejaculated, he pressed his palm against her throat.  Her breasts heaved, and her hips bucked against the wooden pallet as she struggled for air.  Death was near.  She felt life slipping away until Leon intervened and pulled the man’s hand from her throat.

“Get off my whore.”

She coughed and gasped and tried to scream, but Leon covered her mouth.  She wanted to hate him, but how could she?  The old man had saved her life.  Why?  Did he think she’d ever set foot in that place again?  She’d learned the hard way.  She learned life was precious and how much she appreciated her extraordinary existence.  Until his demise, Eli had offered her a world fit for a queen, but Joe was here and now, and if he’d still have her, she would be his bride and make him the happiest man in the world.

Chapter 17

Paul and Roy came to the mansion together.  I sat with the sheriff while Doc went upstairs to check on Anna.  Roy asked questions I couldn’t answer.  I knew nothing.  I’d been driving cattle when this all happened.  I didn’t even know where it happened.  Anna had said nothing, but I hoped she was ready to give us an account.  We needed names and places.

“You think she’s ready to talk this morning, Little Joe?”

“I hope so.  She was real shaken up last night.”

“I’m awful sorry this happened, but as soon as we have a name, you stay here with Mrs. Miller and let me handle the rest.  I don’t want you running off half-cocked.” 

“He’s all yours, Roy.”

“I’m glad you agree.”

“But if you don’t find him ….

“Now, Joe.”

Doc walked out to the hallway and waved us upstairs.  He must have thought Anna could handle Roy’s probing, and I didn’t want to miss a thing.  I needed to know it all, beginning to end.  Paul stopped me and nodded to the sheriff to go on in.  

“Let Roy go in alone, Joe.”

“But I ….”

“I have a question for you.”

“Sure.  What?”

“Where’s the bottle of laudanum?”

“Laudanum?”  I wasn’t prepared for Doc’s question. “You left it on the bedside table, and Anna never asked for more.  Isn’t it there?”

“No, Joe.  It’s not.”

“I don’t know.  That’s where I saw it last.”

“Don’t worry.  It probably fell on the floor.”  When Roy finished with Anna, Paul went back in to make sure she was okay.

“Let’s go downstairs, Little Joe.”  I hoped the sheriff had something to say.  The sooner Anna named her attacker, the sooner the sheriff could have him behind bars.  I sat across from Roy. 

“Well?”

“She couldn’t tell me a thing.”

“What?”

“Says she didn’t know the men who did them things to her.”

I leaned forward in the chair.  “Men?”

“Apparently, there was more’n one.”

I cradled my head.  “Oh, God.”

Roy stood.  “There ain’t much I can do, Little Joe.”

“I know.”

“I’m awful sorry, Son.”

“Yeah.  Me too.”

Roy might’ve waited outside for Paul.  I didn’t walk him out, and I didn’t much care about anything but my fiancée.  Anna was just this side of death, and my place was with her.  My brothers would have to take care of the cattle without me.  I was no good to anyone on the ranch.  I made my way up the stairs and met Paul just outside her bedroom door.

“I’ll stop back tomorrow, Joe.  Make sure she stays in bed.  Rest is the best thing for her.”

“I will, Doc.  Thanks.”

“““““

She heard the doctor rummaging around, and she knew why he dug through her bedside drawer and checked under the bed, but he wasn’t so bold as to search through the pocket of her dressing gown.  Though the bottle wasn’t quite empty, it should’ve been closer to full.  If Joe planned to sit by her side all day, she needed every ounce of strength to see her through. 

“You okay, Sweetheart?”

“Tired.  You don’t have to stay.”

“You couldn’t pay me to leave.”

Joe was a sweet and beautiful man, always the gentleman, but often too principled for her new lifestyle.  Her head pounded and her body ached.  She didn’t have the energy to be sociable, and she’d rather he went and played with his cows than sit and watch every move she made.  Her skin slithered like a snake in the desert, and she needed a sip of laudanum, but there he sat. 

“Joe, would you mind bringing up a fresh pitcher of water?”

“Anything else?”

“No, not right now.”

As soon as he left the room, she drank till the bottle was dry.   She hated to think how she’d make it through the afternoon.  Evening was another story.  She had to send Joe home, but how?

Heal thyself.  She’d heard that once.  A sermon, maybe, and that’s what she had to do.

She slid her legs off the bed until both feet touched the Oriental rug Eli had paid a fortune for because she’d asked for something soft under her feet when she woke in the mornings.  She pushed up, but her legs were weak, and they wouldn’t hold her for long.  After steadying herself, she moved to the overstuffed chair and fell into it most unladylike.  If she could show him she was well enough to sit up, maybe he would leave her alone.

Joe returned with a full pitcher and nearly dropped it when he saw her sitting in the chair.  “Why in God’s name are you out of bed?”

“I feel much better.  I wanted to feel human again.”

He knelt in front of her.  “Sure you’re okay?”

“I am, and I want you to go to work.”

“What?”

“Your brothers need you.  That’s what you said yesterday.”

“Not today, Sweetheart.  Not when you’re hurt.”

“I’ll get more rest if you’re out at the ranch and not wasting the day sitting with me.”

“But—”

“I’ll tell you what.  As soon as you leave, I’ll crawl back in bed and sleep until suppertime.  Deal?”

“It doesn’t feel right.”

“It is.  I swear it is.”

“All right.  I’ll be back this evening.”

“I love you so much.”

“Love you too, Sweetheart.”

Gone at last.  She pulled the bottle from her pocket, but the bottle was dry.  Sighing, she leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes.  The medicine was gone, and that floating feeling would be gone soon, too.

The old man was inside her head.  The procession of men who skimmed their hands across naked flesh and covered her breasts slipped through her memory like a pack of hungry wolves that spotted their prey.  The same men who’d mistaken her for a common whore, who rammed their cocks between her legs and in her face.  What gave them the right?  Who made the rules inside a den?

“Cece!”

The door opened, and the petite maid stepped inside.  “Yes’um.”

“I can’t leave.  You’ll have to be my legs today.”

“Please, Missy.  I hate that place.”

“There are coins in my top drawer.  Take a handful and go now.”

“But Missy.”

“Now!”

The little black bitch nearly slammed the door when she left.  What gave her the right to argue with a woman of class?  Anna had saved her from ruin, and that good-for-nothing had the gall to speak to her as an equal.  Cece had everything she needed in this world, and if she didn’t shape up soon, she’d have to be taken down a peg.

Sitting up in bed, she worried her head in her hands.  Never had she been so cross and talked like that to Cecelia.  Between her restless nature and yearning for the remedy, she’d lost her mind and shouted at her longtime companion.  As time crept by and Cece hadn’t returned, she tore at the skin on her arms until droplets of copper colored blood dripped on her white, linen sheet.  She scratched and scraped and dug in deep before realizing the unsightly damage she’d inflicted on her soft, pale skin. 

“Why?” 

Marking her arms had been an unconscious act.  Again, she’d gotten carried away and done the unthinkable.  What the hell was wrong with her?  Why was she so out of sorts?  Distraught and full of contempt for all she’d done, she fell back on her pillows and in the moments before slumber took hold, her mind conjured up odd but disturbing thoughts.

She raised her hands high.  The sheriff knew her secret and was bound to imprison her in a cell where the remedy didn’t exist.  She grabbed long strands of hair and covered her face from any onlookers and snooty bluebloods.  It was none of their concern.  Besides, no one knew her secret except Leon, but that filthy old man was nothing but a money-grubbing bastard.  He used her and collected a fee from his friends as if she were his whore then turned her in for the bounty.  The bounty? 

She shook her head and freed her face from those hideous golden tresses. She needed to wash her hair.  God knows what she looked like after that business in the den.  All those men, their seed splashing over her thighs and belly.  In all her life, she’d never known men who could be so cruel, so despicable, so vile, but this bunch were the lowest of the low.

She wanted to scream.  Had she become delusional?  Had she dreamed about the bounty, or was it true?  She wasn’t a criminal, and she wasn’t a common whore.  She’d messed up once, that’s all.   How could there be a bounty on her head?

Why wasn’t Joseph enough?  Why had she wandered into the den and lain with a man she’d never met before?  What the hell had she been thinking, and where the hell was her stinkin’ maid?  A pinch of tar was more important now than it had ever been before.

She made her way to the window.  Waiting had become a goddamn eternity and her stomach rumbled, but it wasn’t hunger.  Nausea bent her in half, and she reached for the china bowl.  Her insides felt hot and dry, and she heaved, but nothing came; nothing she did would relieve the pain.  What had those men done to her?  Had her gut been saturated with all that semen they spewed inside her?  If she didn’t get the remedy soon ….

When her legs gave out, she landed on Eli’s beautiful carpet, but she wasn’t down for long.  She crawled to the bed and climbed onto the mattress before anyone was the wiser.  God only knew where Sissy was.  She should’ve been by her side, but she hadn’t seen her all day. 

Both young ladies needed a good scolding.  Then again, maybe a good thrashing would set them both straight.  Although her husband had never thrashed anyone, just the sound of his voice caused the girls to stand at attention and bow their heads in shame.  She’d never taken a hand to the girls either, but the time for correction was drawing near.

She couldn’t keep her mind from falling back on the den and how each repulsive man ravaged her.  Every cavity of her body turned into a kingdom of delight for men without morals or enough sense to treat her with the respect she deserved.  Some mashed her lips until she thought her teeth might chip or crack.  Some bit and others sucked her breasts until her nipples were chapped, nearly raw.  Others couldn’t have cared less whether she had anything above the waist.  They only wanted inside.  Some pounded so hard, the doc said she was bruised both inside and out.

Had she given Leon a sign?  Had she fallen so low that even an old man’s touch excited her and brought relief to the fevered ache between her legs?  It was hard to understand and harder to explain her abnormal appetite but never in a million years had she thought he’d dole her out like a … damn!  She wasn’t a fucking whore, but in his eyes, she wasn’t nothing more. 

No one could ever know she’d brought the injuries on herself.  It was a one-time shot, and she’d never enter a den again.  Only Cece—without argument—whenever she demanded the girl do her bidding.  Where the hell was that damn little bitch anyway?  How could it take her so long?

Chapter 18

Had I done the right thing? I never intended to leave her alone, but she nearly kicked me out the door.  There were days I wondered.  Her moods could change in a heartbeat, but Pa would say that about me, too.  Perhaps we were more alike than either of us cared to admit.  Would that lead to a happy marriage?  I hoped we were smart enough to push aside each other’s bad tempers and bad days.  We were both adults, and if we played our cards right, we could live a happy life.

Pa had taken my place pushing cattle.  When he saw me riding up, he turned Buck toward me and sidled up next to Cooch.  “I didn’t expect to see you today.”

“I didn’t expect to be here.”

“You all right?”

“Not really.  She’s in bad shape, but thought she’d get more rest if I weren’t there.”

“That’s probably true, Son.  Will you go back tonight?”

“Yeah.  I might clean up first.  I never had the chance last night or this morning.  Don’t need my best girl thinking I never look presentable.”

Pa smiled and lifted his eyebrows in amusement.  I enjoyed our little chats.  Sometimes, we weren’t just father and son.  We were friends.  I figured he had questions.  He’d want every detail, but he’d wait till we got home, and I could tell a proper story.  I didn’t want the whole world to know, maybe not even my brothers.  I wasn’t sure if I’d give them any specifics or not.

The four of us punched cows until they were settled and grazing on new grass, the last of the season.  To keep them fat and happy, we’d be hauling hay before long.

We cleaned up before supper, a ritual Pa insisted on.  As soon as the platters were passed and our plates were full, different sets of eyes glanced my way.  First Hoss, then Adam, then Pa.  Everyone waited for the story.

“She was attacked by more than one man.  She’s hurt, but she’ll pull through.  There’s not much more I can say.”

“Who’d do such a thing to that sweet little gal?”

I smiled at Hoss.

“Where’d this happen?”

“I don’t know, Adam.  I didn’t think to ask.”

“That’s enough, Boys.  Joe’s said all he wants to say.”

Pa knew when I was hurting, that I was tired and distraught, and that endless questions wouldn’t correct the damage those men had inflicted on an innocent young woman. I needed to ride back to town and see if there’d been any changes.  Anna may not think she needed me, but surely, I brought her some comfort when I was there.

“Can you sleep here tonight and ride to town in the morning?”

“I told Anna I’d be back tonight.”

“I’m sure you did, Son, but you’re nearly asleep in your chair.”

“Think about Cochise, Little Brother.  He’s as tired as you are.”

“Only you’d bring up my horse.”

“Just statin’ the facts.”

“Maybe you’re right, Pa.  I can barely keep my eyes open.”

“Good.  You get up to bed.  Your brothers will finish the chores.” 

“““““

“It took you long enough.”

“Dr. Lyn busy, Missy.  I wait long time but gots what you needs.”

“Don’t you ever listen?  I don’t need.  I enjoy.  There’s a difference.”

“Sorry, Missy.”

“You should be … now, get out of my room.”

Not knowing what time Joe might return, she opened her bedroom window to keep the room aired out as much as possible.  The north wind that blew was like ice, and Anna took comfort under her quilts.  Only her eyes peered out as she softened the first pinch of tar Cece brought.

Her maid had taken a handful of coins and returned with a larger-than-usual package.  Anna should’ve praised her rather than picked at her, but it didn’t matter now.  Cece wouldn’t bother her again until morning and, if she were smart, she’d keep Sissy away too.

It was only minutes before she was touching the swollen folds between her legs.  Everything was raw, inside and out, and pleasure wouldn’t come easy.  She needed a man.  Satisfying herself had become tiresome; she had lost the excitement she used to derive from forcing her fingers where a man’s membrane should be.

Leon had been rough, but his calloused hands excited her.  His vulgar brutality awakened something inside, and she yearned for the old man’s touch.  What was it about that evil man that had aroused and comforted her?

Although his friends hadn’t been welcome, Leon made her feel alive, but her mind continued further.  Was collecting coins in the den the way he made a living?  Was that his only means of survival?  

A hunger she’d never felt before weighed heavy.  She wanted the old man inside her, but how could that ever happen?  How could she have only him and not that gang of vile men that hovered like vultures around his pallet?  Her mind escaped into a foreign world where she could trot down to the den for a romp with Leon and no one would be the wiser. 

Did she dare?  The thought of entering the den caused her chest to rise and fall at an accelerated rate.  The abnormal excitement was wrong, and she knew right from wrong.  She’d work more with Joe.  Rough sex was inside every man; she just had to bring it to the surface.  She loved Joe Cartwright.  They’d made wedding plans.  She would be his wife, and she’d be loyal only to him.  Why in God’s name was she thinking of Leon when her life outside the den was perfect?

Chapter 19

My whole body ached.  After working full days with my brothers, I’d ridden back and forth from the Ponderosa to the mansion every evening since Anna had been attacked.  Her wounds were healing, although as many times as she reached out for me, I kept my distance.  I remembered Doc’s words, and I wanted her to be fully recovered before climbing into bed with her.  I didn’t want any memories of the attack ruining our lovemaking.

Even though she’d been assaulted by more than one man, Anna seemed happier than ever.  I picked her up at seven o’clock every evening, and we had supper at a different restaurant each time.  Sometimes we took the buggy and sometimes we walked. 

I treasured the long evening walks we took together.  Her sense of humor kept me laughing, and her petite frame kept me holding her close, wanting to protect her from everyone and everything imaginable.  I knew we were meant to be together, and that the last few evenings had been the best times of my life.

Let the bluebloods run their mouths.  Anna and I had given up worrying about everyone else.  Only the two of us were important.  No one else mattered.  We were young and in love, and we would spend the rest of our lives enjoying each other’s company.  I loved her with all my heart, and I would protect her always.

“““““

Tears seeped from her eyes.  She had a decision to make, but she knew what the outcome would be.  After indulging more than usual, she pulled herself together every evening, bathed and dressed, and playacted in front of Joe.  No one said she wasn’t a good actress, but it couldn’t last.  She couldn’t go another day.  The ache had become too strong to deny.

She needed much more than her lovely fiancée could offer, and she wasn’t about to drag him down the rabbit hole with her.  He could never know her secret.  He was too good, too decent to be hammered into a state of oblivion and have only one thing on his mind twenty-four hours a day.  Needing an old man like Leon was as good as dealing with the devil, but she had no choice.  It was either the devil or succumb to a lonely, unfulfilled life.

Although smoking began as a lark, daily life had become a routine of opium and an acute sexual drive she couldn’t control.  An old man had shown her what she was, a woman who’d let herself be used by men, who craved the excitement of strangers handling every part of her body, of being laid out on her back with her legs spread as far as they’d go, of having some man’s penis visit every cavity of her being and realizing how exhilarating her life would become if she gave in to a lifestyle unbecoming to a lady of class and wealth.  When the thought of taking on Leon’s friends exited her, she cried into her pillow.  That’s not who she was.  But somehow, that’s exactly what she’d become. 

It didn’t matter that she had money and standing in the community; she couldn’t change her ways.  She couldn’t be like all the other fancy women who’d never hand themselves over willingly to wicked, evil men, but deep in her gut, she knew what she had to do. 

Just the thought altered her breathing.  She yearned for calloused hands that were rough against her nipples and thick between her legs.  Hands that aroused her tender folds before flittering deep inside.  Her groin muscles contracted when she thought of the old man, and this time she didn’t ask why.  There was no need.  She knew what she had to do.

“Cece!” 

The little maid came running.  “Yes’um.”

“Hitch the carriage.  I’m going out.”

“But Missy.  Where you go?”

“Do as I say, and don’t ask stupid questions.”

Anna overdressed, but it was freezing outside.  She pocketed a packet of tar and hoped she could strike a deal with Leon.  If she presented her case correctly, the old bastard might go for it.  He enjoyed a smoke as much as she did, and she was willing to share.  Added inside her coat pocket were a few coins for Dr. Lyn.  She’d learned the ropes and didn’t dare come home empty-handed.

The late-day rain turned into snow, and ice formed on several of the side streets.  The single horse struggled to keep his footing, but Anna kept Star at a steady pace.  Deciding she shouldn’t park too close to the den, she tied him to a hitching post a few blocks away.  If someone recognized Eli’s crest, she’d be caught and she’d have to explain, and that wouldn’t do at all.

After smoking most of the day, she dressed for the cold.  The fresh air would do her good.  Excitement grew, and she smiled as she hurried down the darkened street.  She’d have a little romp, and no one would be the wiser.  Life was good, and the ache between her legs would be satisfied in no time. 

She felt strong and spirited.  Her cuts and bruises had healed, and she’d be smarter this time.  After all, she wasn’t a simpleton; she was educated and determined to use that education to take care of her herself and not return home beaten and bruised like last time.

The heavy, wooden door creaked, and she hurried out of the cold and into the warmth of smoke and sex.  She imagined every den in Virginia City would have the same type of atmosphere, but she’d only been to Dr. Lyn’s.  She knew it well and was becoming aware of all the nooks and crannies.  The corners that were dimmer and the party pallets where several men and women joined in something called group sex.  The more she visited, the more she realized that a whole new world existed.

Joe was expected later, so she had to do her business and get home before he set foot on her doorstep.  Life had become complicated, and she understood why dens were becoming so popular.   No need to hide.  No need to air out the room, and no need to diddle herself when men of every size and shape would welcome her to their pallet.

Perhaps that was the way to go.  Smoke, have sex with Leon, drive home, and dress for supper with her fiancée.   She chuckled when she realized how insane her thoughts had become, but was it possible?  Was this a routine that would be best for everyone?

She walked past one pallet after another.  Looking for the old man with calloused hands and whiskey breath hadn’t become problematic yet, but he was the only man who’d taken care of her needs, as no one else could.  When she reached the far depths of the den, she found him sleeping, one hand inside his trousers, his long, narrow pipe forgotten.

After removing her cape, she knelt on the pallet and slipped the pipe from his large, thick fingers.  She stirred the remains and filled the bowl with a pinch of tar she’d brought with her.  Drawing deep, she filled her lungs with the remedy then teased the side of Leon’s face until his eyes eased open.

He seemed shocked to see her, but she supposed he had the right.  Both eyes grew wide when he took in her form, and when she offered him the pipe, his lips curled into a smile.  “Miss Anna.  Welcome to my world.” He reached for his pipe, and when his hand brushed hers, her insides tingled with an eagerness she couldn’t suppress.  She’d romp with Leon and be home before Joe left the Ponderosa.     

The whore had returned, and he drew hard on his pipe.  Anna was a pipe smoker’s dream.  He didn’t have to roam the den looking for a prostitute that would suck him for a few measly coins or let him mount her for a hit from his pipe.  Hell, she’d even brought her own tar.  What kind of woman was she?

With his free hand, he popped the buttons of his trousers and released his old, limp dick.  Years ago, just the sight of a woman like Anna and he’d be as hard as a rock but with age, his cock needed a bit of persuasion.  As he dragged his golden-haired whore across his hip, he guided her mouth toward his penis and pushed her head tight against his groin.  As soon as her tongue traveled clockwise, he shoved himself further down her throat.  He knew how rough Anna liked it, and he wouldn’t let her down, but he wanted to teach her the magic.  After all, she was just a woman, and he was just the man to enlighten her on the wonders of giving head.  Palming her just below each earlobe, he guided her faster and faster, harder, and deeper. 

When she tried to pull away, he held tight.   The choking sound women made used to disturb him, and he used to smack them silly, but over the years, he learned it was all part of the magic.  The louder she gagged, the further his hips rose from the pallet.  Nothing worthwhile was easy, and Anna would be an expert by nightfall.  God knows, he wouldn’t let her choke to death.  Their time together had just begun.

The feisty slut fought.  She dug her long, shapely nails into the sides of his gut, but he wouldn’t let go.  He replaced his palms with his thighs, tucked both hands behind his head, and smiled as his little whore worked hard for another hit from his pipe.  Humiliation was part of the game he played.  It worked every time, and Anna was no different than most.  She came.  She sought.  He gave.

Anna didn’t appreciate Leon’s zest for degrading her.  That wasn’t why she’d come.  She needed his calloused hands to rake across her breast, and she wanted his long, fat fingers to find their way between her legs.  But he had other plans, and when the explosion came, he kept her head in place and she had no choice but to swallow his seed.

While he lay on soft, yellowed pillows, he released his hold and pushed her to the side of the pallet.  She’d made a mistake, and after wiping his remains from the corners of her mouth, she gathered her cape and pushed up from the wooden slats.

 She needed her Joe, a civilized man who knew how to treat a lady.  Leon’s goal was to embarrass and disgrace, and thinking she could handle him and take charge of her own body had been a ridiculous notion.

Anna thought she could play rough with Leon and have a normal life with Joe, but that could never be.  She loved Joe, and it was time she cleaned herself up and did right by him.  She might even try to smoke less.  Even though he didn’t understand the reason behind her mood swings and sudden explosions, he’d be happy if that didn’t happen so often.  

At least she hadn’t undressed.  She was fully clothed, but when she stepped forward, Leon grabbed her right ankle and yanked her back to his pallet. 

“Where you goin’, Missy?”

“I have to go.  I have to be home by—”

“You ain’t going nowhere.  The party’s just beginning.”

“No!”  She pried his fingers from her leg, but the slap came hard and fast, and she could imagine the handprint he left on the side of her face.  “No one challenges me.  ‘Specially not no fuckin’ whore.”

When Anna disregarded his filthy remark, Leon pushed himself off the pillow and yanked his woman across the wooden pallet.  After straddling her hips, he ripped the pearl buttons from her cotton blouse and tore the lacy camisole so that her breasts fell free. 

Beating his chest with both fists, she cried, “Get off me, you old fool.  Get off!” 

Leon’s brow furrowed at her comment, and with calloused hands, he took hold and squeezed each generous mound until tears filled her eyes.  “Ain’t this what you wanted?  I thought you liked it rough.” 

“No ….”

“If you don’t want me, I can collect my friends.”

“God no!”

He toyed with her nipples until they became rock-hard, then mashed them both with his teeth.  When his face was inches from hers, he whispered, “Tell me you want me,” but Anna turned her head to the side. 

“Listen to me, Lady.”  His anger grew, and he pinched her chin, turning her face back to meet his.  “Say it.  I want you, Leon.”  Hearing her cry out and beg would reward him with an erection he couldn’t attain unless he played rough, until he bullied his whore to his way of thinking.   “Let’s try again.  I want you, Leon.”

“I—I ….”

“What does it take?  Didn’t know I had me a stupid whore.”

He fumbled with the side buttons of her skirt, and when he mastered them all, he slid the heavy material down her hips, then pulled enough string ties that all her undergarments peeled off as one.  His penis was so engorged, he barely made it inside her before he spread his seed throughout.

His woman hadn’t moved.  She lay there like a dead fish and let him have his way.  He should’ve felt like an ass, but she’d come to him and put herself at his mercy.  He’d lived a long life and survived long winters in the high mountains.  And when he’d grown lonely, he’d capture a Chinese or a heathen to warm his bed.  Anna took him back to those days when life was good, and sex was at the ready.  Thinking he might give her something to remember him by, he pulled her legs up over his shoulders and sucked some of his own spilled seed.  Women loved that, but she never moaned or tightened her muscles, never a hint she’d enjoyed his act of kindness.

“Smoke.”

Her voice was so soft, he barely heard what she’d said.  “Smoke?  We’ve done that, Sweetheart.  Now, it’s time to fuck.”

The bitch returned of her own accord.  The once classy lady had come looking for him, and he obliged.  This was a Virginia City den, not a Sunday social.  There was no dinner and dance, so what did she have in mind?  Twice the number of men?  Hell, that could be arranged.

He tried to get it up again.  He told her it was time to fuck, but he was too old and too tired to pull it off a second time.  Friends.  He had plenty, and he could earn a week’s wages if he played his cards right.  After handing her the pipe and a pinch of tar, he slipped on his trousers and pulled his suspenders up over his gray-haired chest.   

“Light up, Miss Anna.  I owe you that much.”

He journeyed around the den.  For one silver dollar, anyone could have a draw from his pipe and time with his lady friend.  “She’s eager to please and never turns anyone away.”  Customers lined up behind him, but he kept moving through the den, hoping for a week’s pay.  When seven customers followed, he headed back to his pallet and his cash cow.   

She never should’ve come.  A little romp.  That’s all she had in mind, but she’d been a fool to think Leon wouldn’t demand more than she was willing to give.  He took what he wanted, and she was surprised when he handed her his pipe and a pinch.  She didn’t think he had it in him.  He was evil, the devil.  She should’ve grabbed her clothes and run, but she needed to inhale the remedy before she could manage anything else.

Drawing deeply, she felt the warmth and drew on the pipe again.  She didn’t know where the devil had gone.  Maybe to relieve himself.  She needed to do that, too, but she could wait.  There was still tar to be smoked, and she would stay until she bled the bowl dry.

Falling into oblivion was everyone’s goal, and Anna had smoked enough that her peripheral vision had blurred, and the softness of the pillows enveloped her like a cocoon.  She drew in one last time, and Leon’s pipe fell from her hand.

When his tongue circled her left nipple, she realized Leon had returned and would be ready to go again.  She felt his cock pressing at tender flesh, but she was too sated to move or to look him in the eye.  He could have one more poke before she left the den, before she was expected home.  Joe would be waiting, but something odd pricked her mind.  From long, long ago, her grandmother reminisced about her childhood and the horror of an assault that changed her young life forever.

The last of the People, young Cherokee braves, traveled from central Tennessee and attacked their village at dawn.  The white men were killed, and their wives were staked to the ground while naked heathens had their way with the helpless women.   The children were told to run.   

The story had always stayed with her.  A sad tale, but she also felt grateful that her grandmother had survived the attack.  She was nine at the time, and she did as she’d been told.  She ran.

Anna could feel a tightness circling her wrists, just like the wives who tried to get away.  The dream seemed so real.  Leon stood to the side of the pallet.  Though he didn’t wear black braids or have red skin, she shuddered when she realized what he’d done.  He’d tied her to the pallet, but why?  She’d been willing.  She’d never given him cause to restrain her like the renegade heathens of central Tennessee.

The old man adjusted his cock, and an evil grin appeared as he shuffled a handful of coins.  After balling her hands into fists, she jerked at the ties, but he’d done the job well.  Fear stung worse than a slap when she saw the line that formed behind her captor.  

The man she thought was Leon was quick to do his business and move on, but only moments later, a man as large as Joe’s middle brother climbed on board.  She’d heard Leon’s voice. “Get going, Cam.  Time’s a wastin’, Boy.”

The man known as Cam toyed with his prize, but Leon wouldn’t let him dawdle too long.  Once he’d handed a dollar over to the old man, he planned to get his money’s worth.  As he sucked her right breast, she cringed at the thought of having a penis so large inside her.  Did the size of the man dictate the size of his penis?  She wasn’t worldly enough to know those things, but she feared he might split her in half.

He prodded the opening between her legs, but her legs weren’t spread.  She wondered how much he’d smoked or if he’d ever had a woman before.  When he raised his head and looked her in the eye, she thought he wanted to speak, but he moved to her left breast instead.  His teeth cut deep, making marks on her pale, white skin.  He could poke her all he wanted, but she couldn’t go home scratched and bruised, so she lay still.  She didn’t fight.  Instead, she turned her head to the side and let him do his business without complaint.

As soon as he found his rhythm, tears slipped from her eyes.  If she hadn’t been ruined the last time she came to the den, Leon was sure to destroy her now.  He collected his coins, and it was happening again.  She’d been a fool to think it wouldn’t.  She wanted to scream.  She wanted Joe to rescue her from the filth that surrounded the pallet, watched and waited for their turn.  How could she have been so naïve?  Why would she trust a man who disgraced her last time?  She felt every grunt, every hardened cock that entered her but then something strange happened.

A woman with dark brown hair and taller than most stripped off every stitch of clothing and placed her knees on either side of Anna’s hips.  Her hands were soft, and they skimmed up her stomach to her breasts before she leaned forward and circled each nipple with her tongue.  The woman had an eroticism that surpassed any man, and Anna relaxed into her touch.

“Untie her.”

Leon looked down at the woman on top of his whore.  “Fine.  If that’s what you want.”

“I do.”

“Cost you another dollar.”

The woman reached into her skirt pocket, tossed Leon a coin, and waited for him to release the lady beneath her from the pallet.  She took each of Anna’s wrists and rubbed the feeling back into both, then laid each arm to the side.  Leaning forward, she kissed Leon’s whore on the lips and then urged her tongue deep inside Anna’s mouth.  Anna did the same, and it was beautiful.  When the woman pulled back, she let her tongue slide between the pale, white breasts and over the smallest bulge of her stomach until she could spread her legs and tease the woman beneath her.

In the midst of horror, Anna found ecstasy.  She could barely contain herself when the woman’s tongue flitted and circled inside her.  What had she been missing?  Why had she tried to derive pleasure from men when it was a female she craved?  The woman had kissed her with such tenderness that she wondered if God had made a mistake when he put Adam with Eve. 

But then there was Joe, the love of her life.  His kisses were as gentle as the paying customer on top of her.  He knew how to make a woman feel special, unlike Leon, who only derived pleasure from someone else’s pain.

When Leon pulled the woman from the pallet, Anna nearly wept.  Love was a fleeting thing, and the woman would be gone forever.  She wished she knew the lady’s name, but as another man climbed on top, she watched her sweet companion slip on her clothes and lace her black boots.  When she kissed her hand and blew it to Anna, she wanted to do the same, but the new hairy devil had already pinned her arms to the pallet and driven his cock deep inside.

She kept her eyes on the woman as she walked away.  Was she leaving the den, or would she crawl into bed with another?  No one cared in the den, but could she pay Leon to find the woman and bring her back?  Was that even an option?  As the thought rummaged through her mind, she didn’t realize what was happening. 

While the hairy ape banged his flesh into hers, a second man straddled her head, and when she looked up, he had lowered his trousers and sunk to his knees.  He released his swollen cock and drove it into her mouth where soft kisses had been only moments ago.

She couldn’t catch her breath.  Was she dying?  God, she wished that were true, but the ape’s forceful banging kept her alive.  The remedy had worn off long ago, and with two men going at her at once, how long could she hold on?  The line of men wasn’t so long anymore, but she had to be home before supper.  She had to bathe and put on a proper dress before Joe arrived. 

She hadn’t expected to be gone so long.  She hadn’t expected two at a time or the love of a woman, and it was time for another.  There were only two men left in line, but she was too tired to take on two at once.  Begging Leon with her eyes, she hoped he would show some kindness, but the coins in his hand were more important than she would ever be.

A fiery redhead flipped her on her stomach and raised her hips from the pallet.  She didn’t have the strength to hold herself up, and the man wanted his dollar’s worth.  He looked to Leon for an explanation. 

“She ain’t worth a plugged nickel.  Look at her?  She ain’t nothin’ but a rag doll.  I want my dollar back.”

“Bull.  I didn’t say she was the life of the party.  Try her.  Give her a go.”

Wild hair fell over his eyes when he pulled her hips to his groin and proceeded to bang himself against her flesh, but as abruptly as he started, he stopped.  “She may not be the life of the party, but this bitch gots no life at all.”

Leon pocketed his handful of coins.  “I told you once, you ain’t getting your dollar back.”

“Fine.  Keep the dollar, and you deal with her.  I ain’t fuckin’ no dead woman.”

“Naw, she ain’t dead.  See them tits?  Them things waggles when she breathes.”

“I’m tellin’ you, old man.  She’s a good as dead.”

The last man in line nudged Leon.  “Better get her outta here ‘fore Doc sees her.  She don’t look long for this world.  He’ll see us dead ‘fore he lets the sheriff come snoopin’.”

“Help me with her.”  Leon wrapped the black cape around her limp, naked body.  He and the last man in line dragged her out the front door and leaned her up against the building.  “She found her way here.  She can find her way home.”  Whores were plentiful.  Someone new would grace his pallet tomorrow.

Chapter 20

With breakfast behind me, I fastened my gunbelt and picked up my hat and sheepskin coat.  It had snowed overnight, only about an inch, but the air was too cold for a light jacket.

“Not sure when I’ll be home.”

“Don’t worry, Son.  Take care of Anna.  We’ll get things done around here.”

“Thanks, Pa.  I appreciate that.”  When I opened the front door, Roy Coffee and Paul Martin stood ready to knock.  “Gentlemen.  Little early for a social call.”

Roy removed his hat.  “Can we come in?”

“Oh … sorry.  Come in.  Get warm.”

Paul moved toward my father, but Roy stood right in front of me.  “We should sit down, Little Joe.”

“Okay.  What’s this about?”  My heart raced like a thoroughbred, and my mind conjured up the worst scenario I could imagine, but I was overreacting.  I’d let Roy say his piece, and we’d go from there.

“Paul was awoken last night around midnight.”  I glanced at our doctor.  He hadn’t moved away from my father.  “He was summoned to check for signs of life.  What I’m trying to say, Son, is that … Anna Miller is dead.”

I heard him, but I couldn’t quite process his statement.  “You’re telling me Anna has died?  You must be mistaken, Roy.”

“I’m sorry, Joe.  Paul told me about your plans.  I didn’t know.”

“Dead?”

My father crossed the room, and his hand came to rest on my shoulder.  Paul sat down beside me.  He had something on his mind, but he hesitated.

“Go ahead, Doc.  You got something to say?”

“I’m sorry, Joe, but I suspected something was wrong when I couldn’t find the bottle of laudanum.”

“Laudanum?”  Where the hell was he going with this?  The missing laudanum was over a week ago.

“Mrs. Miller was discovered in front of an opium den in Chinatown.  Her carriage had been parked a few blocks away; I’m sure you can figure out why.  It appears she drove herself down the mountain, but she never made it back to her buggy or the mansion.”

“Wait … you lost me, Doc.  What the hell are you saying?  Anna would never go to Chinatown without an escort.”  Pa squeezed my shoulder.  Without words, he was asking me to calm down and let Paul explain.

“This will be hard to stomach, Joe, but I believe Mrs. Miller found pleasure in opium.”

“That Chinese stuff?  Come on, Paul.  You know better’n that.”

“It’s true, Joe.  Opium comes from China.  It’s an opiate, and it’s a wonder drug if used in the right situation.  It’s in laudanum, which is why Anna drank the entire bottle when she couldn’t get her hands on Dr. Lyn’s so-called remedy.”

“Remedy?  Who the hell is Dr. Lyn?”

“Medicine.  Wonder drug.  Remedy for what ails you.  They all have the same meaning, and it seems some people enjoy opium more than others.  Let’s take you, for instance.  When you’re sick or have a broken bone, I leave laudanum with your father.  Unless you’re close to death, you don’t like the side effects, the dry mouth and nausea, and you push the bottle away.  Anna was the opposite.  She enjoyed the properties of the drug.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“Opium isn’t a cure, but it can relieve anxiety and pain and help people relax.  It’s euphoric, Joe, and Mrs. Miller probably smoked a pinch or two of the black tar every day.  That seems to be the trend for those who rely on it as much as she did.  It became a habit she hid from you, maybe from Eli, too.  Perhaps she was ashamed.  Maybe … I wish I knew all the impacts, but I don’t.  What I know is that “the remedy” pleasured her.  She enjoyed opium as much as you and your brothers enjoy a cold beer on a hot day.  The difference is that you boys know when to leave the saloon.  She didn’t know how or when to leave her pipe alone.”

I stood and paced the room.  “You’re way off base, Doc.  I’ve been with her almost every day for the last two months.  I would’ve known.” 

Paul reached into his jacket and handed me a small packet.  “Open it.  I found it in the pocket of her cape.”

When I pulled the brown paper open, a little nugget fell to the floor.  “What’s this?”

“Opium.”

When I looked at Pa, tears glistened in his eyes, but mine were dry and stayed that way.  Though I tried to say something meaningful, words escaped me.  Paul and Roy were silent too.  The details would come later.  I needed air.  If I didn’t walk out the door, I might suffocate on my own thoughts and fears.

Cochise took me away from the hate-filled words that crushed my world, ended my dreams, and stole my happily ever after.  I didn’t know what to think.  If the doc was right, how could I have been so blind?  That smell.  It wasn’t perfume at all.  It was opium.  My God, Joe.  Adam was right.  I was a stupid kid who was taken in by a woman who never loved me at all, who played me for a fool. 

Adam knew.  From day one, he thought I’d lost my mind, but even big brother didn’t know the hideous truth.  He didn’t know my future wife would walk into a Chinese den and become one of those people.  How was that even possible?  How did she even know about opium?  She was a proper, elegant lady living in a stately mansion.  She had everything she ever wanted.  Why in God’s name weren’t wealth and a beautiful home enough?  Eli wasn’t enough, and neither was I.  That much I could deduce without Big Brother’s help. 

Over the few weeks we’d been together, our relationship changed.  I didn’t know why at the time, but it was coming together now.  If only things had been different.  We could’ve had everything.  A home, children, a long life together, but it wasn’t to be.  She couldn’t see that far into the future.  Her future was falling farther into a routine she had to hide from the rest of the world.   

Worst of all, when I made love to my future wife, she was never satisfied.  She’d suggested we take it to a place I’d never been.  Being rough with a lady wasn’t my style, but Anna demanded it.  I tried to please, although nothing seemed to satisfy her like I thought it should, and I began to wonder.  A week ago, Anna had been assaulted.  She said two men attacked her, but was that the truth?  Was there something she didn’t want me to know? 

Because of my wandering, Cooch became restless, and I slid out of the saddle.  Walking and leading my loyal companion made thinking easier anyway.  What if she’d never been attacked?  What if she’d brought it on herself?  Horrid thoughts ran through my mind, and I knew they were there to stay.  No one would know for sure, not even Doc.

Sometimes one small snowflake will cause an avalanche, and as horrifying thoughts crossed my mind, tears welled and began to fall and after pressing my head against Cooches mane, I tried to rid myself of every feeling I’d ever had for Anna.  The woman was gone from my life and was never coming back.  I needed a way to move on, but how was that possible?

It wasn’t long before Pa found me kneeling at my mother’s grave, telling her what a fool I’d been and asking forgiveness.  No one wants a fool for a son, and I owed her an apology.  Pa too, and that would come in time.

My father never let me down.  He knew when I needed him and when I needed to be alone.  I needed him now, and I walked up the hill, stood in front of him, and let him wrap his arms around me.  I cried for a life taken too soon.  I cried for those of us left behind.

“I’m sorry, Son.”

“I know.”

“Anything I can do?”

“No.”

“Life goes on, Joseph.”

“Yeah, I know. 

I heard Pa’s words at Mama’s grave, and I heard them when I woke at night, but it didn’t help.  Maybe in time.  Maybe when I was old and gray, but I wouldn’t give up either.  I may not feel human, and I may not be ready to move on, but as seasons change, life renews, and men grow wiser with age.

My brothers do all they can.  Even Adam knows when to back off and let me grieve what might’ve been.  Hoss is full of suggestions.  “Let’s do this and let’s do that.  What do you think, Little Brother?”  He tries his best to distract me from a world that let me down.

Someday, I’ll be ready to rejoin the living, to have that cold beer and know when to leave the saloon.  I wish Anna had let me into her world.  Maybe I could’ve helped, but maybe her death was inevitable.  We had plenty of good times, and I’ll treasure her memory for the rest of my life.  My sweet Anna.  She tried to have the best of both worlds.

The End

2022